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Как много в мире тех, кто прав!

Как много в мире тех, кто прав,
Кто жил, не ошибаясь!
О, если б это было так -
Не здесь бы мы рождались!
 
Тогда бы жили мы в Раю
И яблоки жевали,
За деньги не вели б войну
И не воровали!
 
Никто не выписал бы чек -
Просто жрали б даром!
И был бы рядом человек,
Что не станет ранить...
 
Мы говорили б по душам...
Не по телефону!
Диплом не нужен был бы нам,
Чтоб найти работу!
 
В Раю ходили бы пешком,
"себя не уважая",
И в погоне за рублем
Кровь не проливали!
 
Свыше каждому дано
Право ошибаться!
Я не знаю, где закон,
Чтобы притворяться
 
Умным, клевым и крутым,
Что всего добился,
Все омары поглотил,
Правильно женившись?
 
Да, я впрочем не юрист,
Даже не философ...
Вижу жизни чистый лист,
На нем - много строчек...
 
Их же кто-то написал?
Я сижу, читаю...
Очень много умных фраз -
Смысл их ускользает...
 
Traduction

How many of those in the world, who is right!

How many of those in the world, who is right,
Who lived, and never made mistakes!
Oh, if only it would be so- then we might-
Choose different birthplace!
 
Then we would live in Paradise forever more
And heavenly apple we would eat,
For money we wouldn't wage a war
And to steal there would be no need!
 
No one would write a check in fear-
We would eat for free!
And human being would be near,
That wouldn't hurt a flea...
 
We would talk heart to heart...
On the phone we wouldn't talk!
We don't need diploma or certificate,
So we can find some work!
 
We would walk in paradise,
" No respect for ourselves
In pursuit of riches in life
The blood we didn't shed!
 
Everyone is given by God
The right to make a mistake!
I don't know where is the law,
That allow you to fake
 
The smart ones, classy and cool,
That achieved their all,
All the lobsters they consumed,
For them the marriage was the right call?
 
I'm not a lawyer, by the way,
Not a philosopher, even a bit...
I see the life clean slate,
There are many lines on it...
 
Did someone actually write them?
I'm reading them all day...
So many clever phrases-
Their meaning is slipping away ...
 
Commentaires
Marica NicolskaMarica Nicolska    Mar, 12/02/2019 - 12:50

I realy like your translating! It is so profound and nice at the same time!
Thank you very much!
I am not sure, but it would be something else
And to steal there is no need! = maybe "And to steal there would be no need!"?
I find, everything is perfect! Thanks a lot!

Vera JahnkeVera Jahnke    Jeu, 28/05/2020 - 14:34

good work!

silencedsilenced    Jeu, 28/05/2020 - 22:01

Erf, Vera, your enthusiasm drives me to switch into old grumpy nitpicker mode.
Besides, this is one of my favourites of Marica's.
I took great pleasure in working on the French version, but it was a struggle, and revisiting it I see quite a few things I could have done better. :)

How many of those in the world, who is right -> I don't think the Russian structure can be kept in English
"is" would have to agree with "those" ("are"), and the sentence would still miss a main verb.
"so many people are right in this world", maybe? But that sounds ambiguous and not very punchy.
"to be right" does not seem to work well.
"to be in the right" (morally sound and justified in your actions) could fit better.
Maybe "the world is so full of people in the right" to make it a bit more punchy?

heavenly apple -> "the heavenly apple" or "heavenly apples"

would've ate -> eaten

И был бы рядом человек, / Что не станет ранить... -> I understand "people could live close together without hurting each other".
Staying close to the Russian would be a challenge though.
"he who stood close would not harm (nevertheless)" or something? Aaaah, my eyes!

would've talked -> the tenses seem odd to me.
I would rather use present conditional everywhere (we would eat for free / we would talk heart to heart rather than on the phone / we wouldn't need diploma...)

So we can find -> "to find"' or "in order to find"
"so that we could" would make "not needing diploma" the means to find work, while it's just the diploma.

there is no Uber -> ? that seems to be an alternative translation of next line.
I'm not sure what the Russian means. Is it about narcissism or rather hubris?
In my French version I rendered it as "swagging" or "bragging around", but that's probably not very good.

blood we didn't shed -> wouldn't (as a matter of fact, we did shed a lot of blood for roubles. This has to be conditional :) )

Я не знаю, где закон / Чтобы притворяться -> "the law that you can fake" would mean some specific law that can be faked.
Rather "the law that allows to fake"

achieved their all -> it might be my English, but I don't think that works
I guess the most basic equivalent would be "those who made it" or maybe "those who came out on top"?

Все омары поглотил,
Правильно женившись? -> To my shame I totally mistranslated this bit in French.
Now that I read the Russian properly, I still might fail to understand it.
I get "regardless of your social success, you will still be unhappy without love"
So that would be "for all the lobster they ate, were they happily married?" or something like that.

did wrote them -> "actually wrote" or "did write"

Vera JahnkeVera Jahnke    Ven, 29/05/2020 - 11:05

"Erf, Vera, your enthusiasm drives me to switch into old grumpy nitpicker mode." - No problem, I think, you are right, good arguments... 😥👍

Treugol'nyTreugol'ny
   Jeu, 28/05/2020 - 21:52

Thank you for your review. I just don't understand, why you addressed it to Vera. I did took on board your suggestions. Sometime it's difficult to understand the true meaning of what the author had in mind. For example: The line about the lobsters and marriage a bit confusing. I think it's about someone who tick the right boxes, married into a well off family and reaps all the benefits. She used the lobsters as a mark of affluence. In our country they are not cheep. Ordinary people can't afford to order them in the restaurant. Don't take it as a gospel, it's only my opinion.
Kind Regards,
Anatoli

silencedsilenced    Jeu, 28/05/2020 - 21:55

Sorry, I meant it's Vera's rating that triggered the remarks.
After all 5 stars is supposed to be perfect, it's an invitation to nitpick :)

I agree, interpretations can vary. I'm only suggesting and thinking out loud.
Thanks to your translation, I also noticed a few mistakes in my French version.

Marica NicolskaMarica Nicolska    Ven, 29/05/2020 - 11:26

За деньги не вели б войну
И не воровали!

И в погоне за рублем
Кровь не проливали!

Потрясающе! Я сама только сейчас увидела тональность! Вы и правда, очень наблюдательны!

BratBrat    Ven, 29/05/2020 - 10:56
Treugol'ny a écrit :

In our country they are not cheep.

Anatoli, dear, lobsters can't cheep by design, whichever country you may catch them in,- they are totally mute. :)
А иногда полезно прочитать стихи, чтобы кое-что узнать об авторе...
Вот автор пишет:

Citation :

За деньги не вели б войну
И не воровали!
...
И в погоне за рублем
Кровь не проливали!

То есть, в голове автора существует не только совершенно характерное разделение рублей и собственно денег, но этим понятиям также приводится в соответствие некое типичное поведение: за деньги - воюют, а за рубли - так, слегка кровопускание сделают, да и всего делов-то....
Совершенно правильно пел В.С. - ''Рупь - не деньги, рупь - бумажка...''

Marica NicolskaMarica Nicolska    Ven, 29/05/2020 - 11:19

"Staying close to the Russian would be a challenge though" - you are totally right!
I would prefer to change this stanza too.
It means "I would find a real friend, who could not make me hurt, who does not wound me with his words and deeds"
I propose something like "without unfair deeds" (I know, that my Englisch is too plain, but I am sure, that there are the people, who knows Englich much better!)
You are right - without "swagging" or "bragging around" means here "without arrogance toward other people and without haughtiness".
Вера в немецком нашла очень четкий эквивалент "правильно женившись" - я уже целый пост туда добавила! У нас и прямо можно роман на эту тему писать, а вот найти эквивалент в других языках - сложновато! It means here something like "marriage of convenience" with my own conscience, if I am not honest with some man, who want to be married with me, if I only want to use him to achieve my own goals feeling nothing toward him in my heart!
Thank you very much for your excellent job!

silencedsilenced    Ven, 29/05/2020 - 11:24

It's really one of my favourite poems of yours. So much humanity in it!
I'm so glad to have a chance to contribute by translating it.

I think I finally got the idea of this "advantageous marriage".
I changed the translation and hopefully this time it should match the meaning you intended.

Treugol'nyTreugol'ny
   Jeu, 28/05/2020 - 22:26

To tell u the truth, I don't really care about the ratings.
I do appreciate all the comments and corrections, because it helps me to get better. What I don't like is when people criticise ratings from another party. People do whatever they like and there is nothing we can do about it. I've seen thousands of really awful translations that had 5 star ratings. You can spent the rest of your life, trying to correct them. I would just ignore them. There is so much pain in the world right now, that I couldn't care less about the stars under translations of songs and poems.
Kind Regards
Anatoli

silencedsilenced    Jeu, 28/05/2020 - 22:55

I only do remarks when I think a nicer result can be achieved with a few changes, which is the case here, in my opinion.
The rating only drew my attention to the translation, and I might have done the remarks just the same if I had stumbled on this page for some other reason. Then I used the occasion to joke a bit with Vera and her enthusiastic ratings.

I usually pay little or no attention to these stars, except when they come from people I consider to be good translators.
Vera is among the very best I ever met here (across the few languages I can read) so her ratings do matter to me.
I think Vera and I know each other well enough for her not to feel offended by my friendly teasing.
Or am I mistaken, Vera? :)

Marica NicolskaMarica Nicolska    Ven, 29/05/2020 - 10:08

"There is so much pain in the world right now"
You are totally right!

Vera JahnkeVera Jahnke    Ven, 29/05/2020 - 11:24

[@silenced], [@Treugol'ny], [@Marica Nicolska],

silenced said:
"I think Vera and I know each other well enough for her not to feel offended by my friendly teasing." - That's true! As my name is Bѣpa, I love the truth, even a bitter one! And thank you for your words, so kind. 😊 Although...
In this wonderful poem there is one very remarkable line:

👉 "Мы говорили б по душам..."

So I wonder, if there is any "good" or "bad" inside such a soul? I don't think so, there is only love and understanding.
And exactly that was the reason, because I gave my rating to Anatoli:
I like his translation! ❤ And moreover he created a rhyme-version, as requested by the author! 👍

So thank you all: Mary, for your beautiful and heartwarming poem, Anatoli, for your wonderful translation and silenced, for your sincerity.

silencedsilenced    Ven, 29/05/2020 - 11:30

And thank you for your kindness and gentleness.

Marica NicolskaMarica Nicolska    Ven, 29/05/2020 - 11:40

Thank you very much, Vera, for your nice words and your super translation of my poem! I have really delighted it!