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  • Roza Rymbaeva

    Озарение → traduction en anglais

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Озарение

Опять приходят и уходят поезда.
Опять встают и засыпают города.
Тебя не знаю я, еще не знаю я,
Мы не встречались никогда.
 
Еще ты голоса не слышал моего.
И обо мне еще не знаешь ничего.
Не знаешь губ моих,
Не знаешь глаз моих,
Не знаешь сердца моего.
 
Я знаю, что настанет день, настанет час -
Свершится чудо -
Грянет гром в судьбе!
И солнце доброе взойдет для нас,
И все на свете я отдам тебе!
 
Сияньем звездным все дома озарены,
По тихим улицам неслышно бродят сны.
Не спит любовь моя, и твердо знаю я,
С тобой мы встретиться должны!
 
Я знаю, что настанет день, настанет час -
Свершится чудо -
Грянет гром в судьбе!
И солнце доброе взойдет для нас,
И все на свете я отдам тебе!
 
Traduction

In the Stars

Trains arrive and leave again
Cities fall asleep and wake up again
I don't know you yet,
We have never met each other
 
You have never heard my voice yet,
You know nothing about me yet
You don't know my lips
You don't know my eyes
You don't know my heart
 
But I know that day will come, that hour will come
A miracle will happen
Thunder will strike in my destiny
The kind sun will rise for us
And I'll give everything in this world to you
 
Every house is lit up in the stars
Dreams roam silently along quiet streets
My love doesn't sleep
And I know for sure that we are bound to meet!
 
But I know that day will come, that hour will come
A miracle will happen
Thunder will strike in my destiny
The kind sun will rise for us
And I'll give everything in this world to you
 
Commentaires
IgeethecatIgeethecat    Sam, 28/09/2019 - 20:03

Oleg, this is an English translation, not Russian :)
Nice one :)
Я только к грому попридираюсь
Thunder will strike — thunder thunders, the lightening strikes, гром гремит здесь, конечно, в переносном смысле, как образное выражение, но вы же всё равно не сказали бы «гром сверкает» или «молния гремит», правда?

silencedsilenced    Sam, 28/09/2019 - 20:47

Hi Oleg! Nice translation. Just a bit of nitpicking for old time's sake, if you don't mind?

We have never met each other -> you can safely delete "each other" for a lighter sentence

never heard my voice yet -> People can say that, but "never" and "yet" are redundant, so that sounds a bit unrefined, like casual spoken English.
"you haven't heard my voice yet" maybe?
"you are yet to hear my voice" could work too, but that might sound unnatural or over the top.

Thunder will strike in my destiny -> I agree with Maria, this does not sound as good as the Russian.
Thunder is just a noise, it would rather "clap" when lighting strikes, and then "rumble". So the equivalent of a "lightning strike" would be a "clap of thunder"
"a clap of thunder over my destiny"... This sounds over the top to me. Maybe one case of Russian being more able to express emotional metaphors?
"A strike of lightning in my life" or "lightning striking my very life", maybe?

The kind sun -> rather "a kind sun", as in "an imaginary instance of the real sun"

lit up in the stars -> sounds a bit like the houses are hanging in the cosmos.
"lit up by the stars" or "basking in starlight" for something more poetic, as if the houses were surrounded by light?

My love doesn't sleep -> I suppose the idea is similar to Okudzhava's beautiful "Часовые любви у Никитских не спят..."?
I don't think the English conveys the same feeling.
"My love is ever watchful" or something like that, maybe?

IgeethecatIgeethecat    Sam, 28/09/2019 - 21:52

Only Pierre has time to nitpick so precisely :)
Totally agree, but I wanted to be nice and don’t disturb Oleg too much
А он даже молнию не страйкнул
Всё, умываю руки, пока Франция нам тут революцию не устроила :)

silencedsilenced    Sam, 28/09/2019 - 21:55

How does this "clap of thunder over my destiny" sound to you, Maria?
Maybe it's just me and my stubborn French rationality that find it over the top?

IgeethecatIgeethecat    Sam, 28/09/2019 - 22:06

I would just go with “lightning bolt stroke my destiny”
Beat my stubborn Russian, dah.

silencedsilenced    Sam, 28/09/2019 - 22:15

struck?