Rakoshiy Nelch - Gorod (Город) (traduction en anglais)

russe

Gorod (Город)

Застланный город, ссутуленный стан,
Растрепанный ветром, иссякший от ран,
Измазанный счастьем безжалостных птиц
В потоке помятых и заспанных лиц.
 
Припев:
Закончится день и безумная ночь
Набросит на город темную шаль,
И небо взорвут миллионы огней,
Мой город родной, как мне тебя жаль.
 
Уставший от шума и будничных поз,
Во власти скупых электрических звезд,
Задымлен и стоптан, себя не щадя,
Спи город спокойно, эта ночь для тебя.
 
Припев:
Закончится день и безумная ночь
Набросит на город темную шаль,
И небо взорвут миллионы огней,
Мой город родной, как мне тебя жаль.
 
Publié par SaintMark le Mer, 14/09/2016 - 16:30
Modifié pour la dernière fois par Sophia_ le Mer, 18/04/2018 - 15:41
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traduction en anglais

Town

An overcast town, a hunched posture.
Disheveled by the wind, exhausted from wounds.
Smeared with a happiness of ruthless birds.
In a stream of creased and sleepy faces.
 
Chorus:
The day will end and a crazy night
Throw a dark shawl over the town.
And the sky will burst into thousands of lights,
My hometown, I feel so sorry for you.
 
Tired of the noise and everyday poses,
In the power of stingy electric stars.
Smoked and trampled, not sparing itself.
Sleep tight my town, this night is for you.
 
Chorus:
The day will end and a crazy night
Throw a dark shawl over the town.
And the sky will burst into thousands of lights,
My hometown, I feel so sorry for you.
 
Publié par r_n le Ven, 20/04/2018 - 10:58
Ajouté en réponse à la demande de Sophia_
Modifié pour la dernière fois par r_n le Sam, 21/04/2018 - 14:54
Commentaires de l’auteur(e) :

I would be grateful for any remarks or grammar corrections!

Plus de traductions de « Gorod (Город) »
anglaisr_n
Idioms from "Gorod (Город)"
Commentaires
petit élève    Ven, 20/04/2018 - 12:34

1st stanza's meaning is quite ok, but maybe there is a way to make it sound a bit more natural. @Gavin might be of help there.

и безумная ночь набросит -> rather "and a crazy night / will throw..."

will exploded -> will explode

скупых -> I'd rather say "stingy electric stars" ("stingy" also means "avaricious" and "stingy light" is rather common for "feeble light")

Sleep quietly -> maybe "sleep tight"? That's what you say to a child or a loved one.

Gavin    Ven, 20/04/2018 - 12:49

I actually rather like it - the wording is unusual but it sounds pleasingly poetic.
I particularly like "Smeared with a happiness of ruthless birds" - it sounds like "a happiness" is being used as a collective noun (like "a murder of crows") - may not be deliberate but it works really nicely Regular smile

r_n    Ven, 20/04/2018 - 13:19

Thanks!
Should I really use another one "will" in the sentence: "The day will end and crazy night throw a dark shawl over the town."?
Should I correct "Will exploded" to "Will explode" in the sentence: "And the sky will exploded with millions of lights."?
The real meaning is "Millions of lights will explode the sky"

petit élève    Ven, 20/04/2018 - 13:36

I suppose you could avoid repeating "will", but I think you still need an article before "night".
However, repeating "will" is not really a problem in English. These repetitions do not sound heavy as in Russian (or in French, for that matter).
@Gavin should have the last say on this though .

"explode [something]" is rather used for a stick of dynamite or a demolition charge. Maybe you could change the verb and say "millions of lights will shatter the sky" (like a piece of glass reduced to splinters) or "tear the sky asunder" (like a piece of fabric shredded to pieces) or something like that?

r_n    Ven, 20/04/2018 - 13:55

May be "Burst"?
I think the "Shatter" isn't so good for the real meaning.

petit élève    Ven, 20/04/2018 - 14:05

"burst the sky" would evoke someone bursting a balloon (with a cigarette, for instance).
In my own imagination, rays of light would rather "shatter" or "shred" or "pierce" or "cut through" the sky than make it pop like a balloon, but that's rather subjective.
Maybe Nadia could help you pick an English equivalent closer to the Russian?

sandring    Ven, 20/04/2018 - 14:03

Застланный город - это как? Что здесь имеется в виду?
The day will end and a crazy night .... здесь только один вариант
The sky will burst into thousands of lights

А разве Гевин знает русский?

petit élève    Ven, 20/04/2018 - 14:08
sandring wrote:

The day will end and a crazy night .... здесь только один вариант

I guess you mean about the article (a crazy night)? But what about repeating "will" (a crazy night [will])...?

Igeethecat    Ven, 20/04/2018 - 14:26

The day will end and the crazy night
Throw a dark shawl over the town.

What is wrong with ithis?

sandring    Ven, 20/04/2018 - 14:20

The article must be indefinite, the tense Future Simple, right now there's none

sandring    Ven, 20/04/2018 - 14:13

Gavin is right, N-R, you have a feel for words. But you can't say "a happiness", it should be something like "а perfect/dark/whatever happiness" Uncountable abstract nouns have an indefinite article if there's an attribute between them. Here it should be "The happiness OF ...birds". OF gives the preceding noun the definite article in most cases.

sandring    Ven, 20/04/2018 - 14:15

A crazy night will do whatever...No problem here, different subjects

sandring    Ven, 20/04/2018 - 14:23

А чем город застлан?

sandring    Ven, 20/04/2018 - 14:29

Город Армавир, тогда clouded может быть и не тем прилагательным.

sandring    Ven, 20/04/2018 - 14:35

Стан ссутулен промышленностью, это очень индустриальный город, а застлан он смогом

sandring    Ven, 20/04/2018 - 14:41

Тогда у нас получается
A smogged town, a hunched posture - теперь понятно.

r_n    Ven, 20/04/2018 - 17:58

"A hunched posture" is a good variant!
"Застланный", в смысле застлан облаками.
"Smeared with a happiness of ruthless birds", имеется ввиду "Smeared with birds' shit", но немного ироничнее.
Остальные места поправил. Спасибо!

Brat    Ven, 20/04/2018 - 18:19
r_n wrote:

"Застланный"

->Хорошая аллюзия. Wink smile Сразу меж двух огней. Teeth smile
Неужто и впрямь такой?

sandring    Sam, 21/04/2018 - 13:40

And yet, boss, "a clouded town" is closer to "smogged" If you want more to the weather and clouds you should consider "an overcast town". Ну, может это у меня глюки. Можно Гевина спросить, что у него с чем ассоциируется.

r_n    Sam, 21/04/2018 - 14:52

Overcast is a good idea!