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Fear of happiness

How do I explain the fear of being happy
when even my friends could not understand it
they tell me to keep calm when I need it
they bring me hot milk and some blankets
and it's when they're there, talking
that I would like to shout "thank you all, you can go now"
but I stay here
watching a film
 
How do I explain all the patience I put into it
but I can't live without
something burdening me
pointing me to the end
because my brain is made of thorns
and my heart is like a flower
it still believes in good
it does not know the petals will all fall together
in that moment it will want to explode
it will shout at me to stop loving
 
This is my fear of happiness
No, it's not negativity
This is my fear of happiness
Being happy is scary
This is my fear of happiness
But you can stay
 
How do I explain (what it's like) when nobody understands you
when nothing hurts you
total indifference
towards the astral form of evil
we made a special connection
 
And I try to explain in it every song
But everybody always thinks I'm talking about other people
"But you're so cute, with your baby face and little voice"
 
But the baby's grown too fast
between walls of a room
that started feeling too small
and every time something goes the way it's supposed to
I feel like I can't take it
 
And I look for every kind of pain
Mixed with blood and sweat
and I feel my breath shortening
and I feel anxiety taking over
get me out of this freakin' room
 
This is my fear of happiness
No, it's not negativity
This is my fear of happiness
Being happy is scary
This is my fear of happiness
But you can stay
 
Telling you we'll be together
telling you we'll be okay
telling you this is how it will go
telling you we'll be together
telling you "I won't be okay"
 
I can feel the anxiety from here
 
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Cherofobia

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