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  • George Carlin

    Free-Floating Hostility • Back In Town

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paroles de Free-Floating Hostility

now this next piece of material
is real simple.
it's called
free-floating hostility.
24 minor cultural items
i'm bored with,
tired of,
and pissed at.
so i hope you're ready
for a little random anger.
people...
people...
PEOPLE who make quote marks
in the air with their fingers.
are you tired of these people yet?
he said he was "Sober".
hey lady,
"EAT ME"!
budda-boom budda-bing.
the next guy who says to me
"budda-boom budda-bing"
is getting kicked right
in the fucking nuts.
budda-boom mother-fucker!
you want to
try budda-bing?
bad hair day.
where did this
shit come from?
what a superficial culture.
put on a hat and go to
work you shallow cunt.
it's a good thing
lewis and clark
never had a
bad hair day,
or daniel boone huh?
custer: he had a
REALLY bad hair day.
but he had it
coming, that blond,
blue-eyed, criminal fuck.
what about these
guys that tell you:
"i heard that…",
"i heard that…",
oh you did did you?
well isn't this exciting...
what is this, a
fucking hearing test?
did i wonder into a
beltone commercial here?
of course you "heard"
you fucking nimrod.
i'm standing right next to ya...
i'm going to move down here...
i'm going to move a little farther away...
BLOW ME!
by any chance did you hear that?
what about these
people who tell you
their needs
aren't being met?
you run into this stuff?
this is support-group shit,
twelve-steppers.
"my needs aren't being met".
know what i tell them?
"DROP SOME OF YOUR NEEDS".
life is a zero-sum game.
what else is troubling me?
mickey mouse's birthday
being announced
on the television news
as if it's an
actual event.
i don't give a shit.
if i cared about mickey
mouse's birthday,
i'd have memorized
it years ago,
and i'd send him a card:
"dear mickey
happy birthday
love george".
i don't do that, why?
because i don't give a shit.
fuck mickey mouse.
fuck him in the asshole
with a big rubber dick,
then break it off
and beat him with
the rest of it.
i hope mickey dies.
i do,
i hope he god-damn dies.
i hope he gets a hold
of some tainted cheese,
and dies lonely
and forgotten,
behind the baseboard
of a soiled bathroom,
in a poor neighborhood,
with his hand in
goofy's pants.
mickey mouse - no wonder
no one in the world takes
our country serious.
why do we waste valuable
television-time,
informing our
citizens of the age
of an imaginary rodent.
now let me ask you this:
the two pandas in the zoo,
do you care if they fuck?
i don't.
why don't they stop
telling me on the news
"the pandas didn't
fuck again this year".
i'm not concerned.
i have no emotional stake
in panda fucking,
all right?
if they want to they will,
if not, they'll watch
the price is right.
probably the only reason
they're not
doing it on time
is 'cause some jack-off
from the environmental
movement
has moved into the
cage with them.
could you get a hard-on
if some guy in a green
t-shirt with a stopwatch
was taking your girlfriend's
rectal temperature?
leave these
creatures alone!
and as long as were
talking about the news,
i don't want to
hear anything more
about sperm-egg donor,
surrogate,
in vetro,
test-tube,
biological,
adoptive
foster parents who
want their baby back.
baby jane,
baby ruth,
baby this,
baby that,
baby it's cold outside,
i don't give a shit.
leave me alone and
keep it off my tv.
sick american shit.
i'm also tired
of hearing about
"innocent victims".
this is an outmoded idea.
there are no
"innocent victims".
if you live on this planet,
you're guilty.
period.
fuck you.
end of report, next case.
NEXT FUCKING CASE!
next case.
your birth certificate
is proof of guilt.
and what happened in this
country that now suddenly
everyone is walking around
with their own personal
bottle of water?
when did we get so
thirsty in america?
is everybody
so dehydrated
they have to have
their own portable
supply of fluids
with them at all times?
get a drink before
you leave the house.
another crime
against society:
hyphenated names.
hey lady, pick a fucking
name would you please?
pick a fucking name.
"hi i'm emily
jericho-fordescu".
hi i'm george
jerk-me-off-fuck-you-too.
you don't acquire
personal dignity
by adding a name
to your name.
feminists think
it's a "radical act".
it's not.
castrating a guy
in a parking lot
with a coke bottle
is a radical act.
hyphenating your name
is pretentious bullshit.
and what is going
on with all these
telephone-calling plans?
mci, at&t, is this
shit really necessary?
when did the
phone bill become
life's most
critical document?
in a country
where you can buy
cinnamon dental floss,
cheese in a spray can,
and eatable
women's panties,
are people really
breaking their balls
to save nine cents on
a fucking phone call?
talking to your
mother once a year
might not be the most
pleasant thing in the world,
but it should not be seen
as a critical
spending decision.
something else i
don't understand:
motivation tapes.
motivation books.
what happened here?
suddenly everybody
needs to be motivated?
it's a fairly
simple thing.
either you want to do
something or you don't.
what's the big mystery?
besides, if you're
motivated enough
to go the store to
buy a motivation book,
aren't you motivated
enough to do that
so you don't
need the book?
put it back.
tell the clerk "fuck you",
"i'm motivated",
"i'm going home",
"i'm going home".
and can anyone
explain to me
the need for one-hour
photo-finishing?
you just saw the
fucking thing,
how can you possibly be
nostalgic about a concept
like a little while ago?
another complaint:
too many vehicles.
there are some families
in this country
who own entirely too
many vehicles.
You see them on the
highway in an rv
but that's not
enough for them.
the rv's not enough.
behind them they're
towing a motorboat,
go-cart, dune-buggy,
dirt-bike, jet-ski,
snowmobile,
para-sail, hang-glider,
windsurfing equipment,
a hot air balloon,
and a small two-man
deep-sea diving-bell.
doesn't anyone just take
a fucking walk anymore?
the only thing
these people lack
is a lunar
excursion module.
too many choices america.
it's not healthy.
another abomination:
white guys
over ten years of age
who wear their baseball
hats backwards.
listen to me
white guys. let me
tell you something.
you're never going to be
as cool as black guys,
it's not going to happen...
you're white,
and you're lame.
it's a fucking
law of nature.
turning your hat around
and learning a
complicated handshake
will not make you cool.
and you black guys,
since you started
the whole thing,
i'm going to let you
stay with the hats
a little bit longer,
but i think really,
once you qualify
for social security
it's time to spin
that motherfucker
around to the
front of you
all right?
yeah.
another tip.
another tip
for the men.
the earring.
the thing with
the earrings.
it's over.
it's been over
for a long time.
doesn't mean
anything anymore.
it was supposed to
piss off the squares.
the squares are
wearing them now!
doesn't mean anything.
it's just fucking jewelry,
unless you have an earring
with a live baby
hanging from it.
it's just jewelry.
and I want you to know
i'm in favor of
self-mutilation
and personal
disfigurement.
i've always said there's
nothing like puncturing
and perforating your skin
in a dozen or so places
in order to demonstrate
your high self-esteem.
when i see a young man
decorating his scalp
with a soldering
iron i say:
there's a happy guy,
thinks highly of himself.
and haven't we gone a
little over-board with
these colored ribbons
for different causes?
every cause has it's
own colored ribbon now.
red for aids.
blue for child-abuse.
pink for breast cancer.
green for the rain forest.
purple for urban violence.
i got a brown one.
you know what it means?
EAT SHIT MOTHERFUCKER!
EAT SHIT MOTHERFUCKER!
and what can we do
to silence
these
christian athletes,
who thank jesus whenever they win,
never mention his name when they lose,
not a word.
you never hear them say:
"jesus made me drop the ball,
the good lord tripped me up
behind the line of scrimmage".
according to these guys
jesus is undefeated.
meanwhile these assholes
are in last place.
must be another one
of those "miracles".
and speaking of
delusional people,
what about a guy who
hears a voice in his head
which tells him to kill
his entire family,
so he does it.
is this the only thing
a voice in the head
ever tells these
people to do,
is to kill others?
doesn't a voice
ever tell a guy:
"go take a shit on the
salad bar at wendy's".
doesn't a voice...
doesn't a voice tell a guy
to take out his dick on the
merry-go-round once in a while?
well some guys
do take out their dicks
on the merry-go-round,
but usually it's
their own idea.
something else i
can do without:
after-shave and cologne,
and this disgusting shit
that men put on
their bodies.
just what i need
in the elevator,
some guy standing
next to me
smells like a
fucking pine tree.
i say go home and
wash you smelly prick.
you smell like the urinal
in a portuguese cat-house.
god-damn guys are stupid.
guys are really
fucking dumb.
they think they're going to
get laid with this stuff you know.
oh yeah, they put
it on at home thinking:
oh boy, oh boy, i'll
get laid tonight.
i'll get laid tonight.
you don't get laid
with green shit
that comes out of
a bottle okay?
the only smell that's
going to help you get laid
might be your own
natural scent.
you have pheromones.
it's a secondary
sex characteristic.
people in america, they're
all nervous about sex.
they want to cover it
up and disguise it.
guys in europe, they
know how to live.
guy gets in an
elevator over there,
he smells like a
pile of dog shit,
those people are
sophisticated!
getting pretty tired of
these guys walking around
in cowboy hats
and cowboy boots.
you ever see
these jack-offs?
can't we kill some of
these motherfuckers?
walking around in a
fucking cowboy hat.
grown men.
it's not even halloween
for christ-sakes.
i say "hey tex
grow up and get
yourself a wardrobe
consistent with the
century you're living in".
why do certain
men feel the need
to dress up as
mythic figures?
you don't see anyone
walking around
in a pirate
costume do you?
when was the last
guy you ran into who
had on a viking outfit?
make-believe cowboys...
the closest they ever
got to a cow,
is when they stopped to
take a piss at an arby's.
and cam-corders:
here is technology
gone bezerk.
everywhere you go now,
there's some dick,
some yo-yo,
some putz,
with a cam-corder.
and he is going to
tape everything.
doesn't anyone
in this country
just stop and look
at things anymore?
sort of take them in,
maybe even remember them?
is that such a
strange notion?
does experience have
to be documented,
and brought home, and
saved on the shelf?
and do people really
watch this shit?
are people's lives so
bankrupt, they sit at home
looking at things
they already did?
and these guys are
so intense you know.
it's always guys,
they won't let women
touch the cameras.
it's a highly
technical skill.
look for a hole.
push on a button.
big skill. and
they all think they're
federico fillini.
low-angles, zooms and pans,
and it's the same
ugly three children
in every god-damn shot.
all the george lucas
magic in hollywood
is not going to change
the unfortunate
genetic configuration
on the faces of
these children.
keep these unfortunate
youngsters
out of public view.
now
a lot of these
cultural crimes
i've been
complaining about
can be blamed on
the baby-boomers.
something else i'm a little
tired of hearing about,
the baby-boomers.
whiney, narcissistic,
self-indulgent people,
with a simple philosophy:
"gimme-it it's mine"!
"give-me-that it's mine"!
these people were
given everything.
everything was
handed to them,
and they took it all.
took it all.
sex, drugs, and
rock-n-roll.
and they stayed loaded
for twenty years,
and had a free ride,
but now they're staring
down the barrel
of middle-age burn-out,
and they don't like it.
they don't like it so
they've turned self-righteous,
and they want
to make things
hard on younger people.
they tell them to:
"abstain" from sex.
"say no" to drugs.
as for the rock-n-roll,
they sold that for
television commercials
a long time ago,
so they could buy
pasta-machines,
and "stair-masters",
and "soybean-futures".
"soybean-futures".
you know something?
they're cold
bloodless people.
it's in their slogans.
it's in their rhetoric.
"no pain no gain",
"just do it",
"life is short play hard",
"shit happens deal with it",
"get a life".
these people went from
"do your own thing"
to "just say no".
they went from "love
is all you need"
to "whoever winds up with
the most toys wins".
and they went from
cocaine to rogaine.
and you know something?
they're still
counting grams,
only now it's fat grams.
and the worst of it is,
the rest of us have to watch
these commercials on tv
for levi's loose-fitting jeans,
and fat-ass docker pants,
because these degenerate
yuppie-boomer-cocksuckers
couldn't keep
their hands off
the croissants,
and the häagen-dazs.
and their big fat asses
have spread all over
and they have to wear
fat-ass docker pants.
fuck these boomers.
fuck these yuppies.
and fuck everybody
now that i think
about of it.
well sometimes in comedy
you have to generalize.
now there's one thing
you might have noticed
i don't complain about:
politicians.
everybody complains
about politicians.
everybody says they suck.
well where do people think
these politicians
come from?
they don't fall
out of the sky.
they don't pass
through a membrane
from "another reality".
they come from
american parents,
and american families,
american homes,
american schools,
american churches,
american businesses,
and american universities.
and they're elected
by american citizens.
this is the best
we can do folks.
this is what we
have to offer.
it's what our
system produces:
garbage in. garbage out.
if you have selfish
ignorant citizens...
if you have selfish
ignorant citizens,
you're going to get
selfish ignorant leaders.
and term-limits ain't
going to do you any good.
you're just
going to wind up
with a brand
new bunch of
selfish, ignorant
americans.
so maybe...
maybe...
MAYBE,
it's not the
politicians who suck.
maybe something else
sucks around here
like:
"THE PUBLIC".
yeah the public sucks.
there's a nice campaign
slogan for somebody:
"the public sucks, fuck hope".
fuck hope.
because if it's really
just the fault of
these politicians,
then where are all the other
bright people of conscience?
where are all the bright,
honest, intelligent americans
ready to step in
and save the nation
and lead the way?
we don't have people like
that in this country.
everybody's at the mall
scratching his ass,
picking his nose,
taking out his credit card
out of a fannie-pack,
and buying a
pair of sneakers
with lights in them.
so i have solved this
little political dilemma
for myself in a
very simple way:
on election-day,
I-STAY-HOME.
i don't vote.
fuck 'em.
FUCK THEM.
i don't vote.
two reasons.
two reasons i don't vote:
first of all,
it's meaningless.
this country was bought
and sold and paid for
a long time ago.
the shit they shuffle
around every four years
doesn't mean a
fuckin' thing.
and secondly,
i don't vote
'cause i believe
if you vote,
you have no right
to complain.
people like to
twist that around.
i know,
they say,
they say:
"well if you don't vote you
have no right to complain".
but where's the
logic in that?
if you vote,
and you elect dishonest,
incompetent people,
and they get into office
and screw everything up,
well you are responsible
for what they have done,
YOU caused the problem,
you voted them in,
you have no right
to complain.
i on the other hand,
who did not vote,
WHO DID NOT VOTE.
who in fact
did not even leave the
house on election-day,
am in no way responsible
for what these
people have done,
and have every
RIGHT to complain
as loud as i want,
about the mess YOU created,
that i had nothing
to do with.
so i know that a little
later on this year,
you're going to have another
one of those really swell
presidential elections
that you like so much.
you enjoy yourselves.
it will be a lot of fun.
i'm sure as soon as
the election is over,
your country will
"improve" immediately.
as for me, i'll be
home on that day,
doing essentially the
same thing as you,
the only difference is,
when i get finished
masturbating,
i'm going to have a little
something to show for it folks.
thank you very much.
thank you very much.
thank you everybody.
see ya later.
 

 

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