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Nu vot , ischezla drozh' v rukah (Ну вот, исчезла дрожь в руках) (traduction en anglais)

Relecture demandée par l’auteur(e)

Nu vot , ischezla drozh' v rukah (Ну вот, исчезла дрожь в руках)

Ну, вот исчезла дрожь в руках,
Теперь - наверх!
Ну вот, сорвался в пропасть страх
Навек, навек, -
Для остановки нет причин -
Иду, скользя...
И в мире нет таких вершин,
Что взять нельзя!
 
Среди нехоженных путей
Один - пусть мой,
Среди невзятых рубежей
Один - за мной!
А имена тех, кто здесь лег,
Снега таят...
Среди непройденных дорог
Одна - моя!
 
Здесь голубым сияньем льдов
Весь склон облит,
И тайну чьих-нибудь следов
Гранит хранит...
И я гляжу в свою мечту
Поверх голов
И свято верю в чистоту
Снегов и слов!
 
И пусть пройдет немалый срок -
Мне не забыть,
Как здесь сомнения я смог
В себе убить,
В тот день шептала мне вода:
Удач - всегда!..
А день... какой был день тогда?
Ах да - среда!..
 
Modifié pour la dernière fois par SaintMarkSaintMark le Ven, 23/09/2016 - 01:11
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My hands have stopped shaking now

My hands have stopped shaking now,
time to climb!
Now my fear has vanished
for ever and ever.
I have no reason to stop.
I glide forth...
There are no summits in this world
that can't be conquered!
 
Among all the unexplored paths
let one be mine,
among all the unreached milestones,
one is for me
The names of those who died here
are shrouded by snow...
Among all the untravelled roads,
one is mine.
 
Here the whole slope is covered in
blue ice,
And the granite keeps the secret
of other's footsteps...
And I'm looking at my dream
above heads
And I have a religious faith in the purity
of snow and words!
 
No matter how many years go by,
I won't forget
how I managed to kill the doubt inside me
right here.
That day the water whispered to me:
Good luck, always!
Now what day was it already?
Ah yes, Wednesday!
 
Publié par Invité·eInvité·e le Mar, 08/11/2016 - 00:19
Ajouté en réponse à la demande de AlaaelgAlaaelg
Commentaires de l’auteur·e :

I don't understand half of what he's talking about except the mountain climbing, so the translation is likely to be a disaster.

L’auteur(e) de cette traduction a demandé une relecture. Cela signifie qu’il ou elle sera ravi(e) de recevoir des remarques, corrections, suggestions, etc. Si vous avez des notions dans ces deux langues, n’hésitez pas à ajouter un commentaire.
Plus de traductions de « Nu vot , ischezla ... »
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Commentaires
Ivan U7nIvan U7n    Mer, 09/11/2016 - 17:30

At my first amateur look it looks good.

Though there are some things I’d change:
My fear has thrown itself into a chasm
It seems to me too literal. Let’s at least change subject and object:
I threw my fear into a chasm
or better yet
I overcame all my fears (of falling/failing)
Though in the original the subject is fear to give it more drama. Maybe something like this will be better.
My fear let go of me and slipped into abyss.
Среди нехоженных путей
Here undiscovered or unexplored for нехоженных seems better.
are covered by snow
are shrouded in snow
sounds to me better.

And that’s all. Wink smile

petit élèvepetit élève    Mer, 09/11/2016 - 17:28

Well I also hesitated to use "в пропасть" literally.
Your suggestions are much appreciated..

Btw. I'm rather puzzled by the last two verses. What's this story of looking above heads and not knowing what day it was? Are these allusions to something I missed?

Ivan U7nIvan U7n    Mer, 09/11/2016 - 17:46

I don’t want to misguide you as these are just my thoughts.
Looking above heads: he looks with his head turned upward on his target – the peak. It seems the most logical. And next lines are about his faith in his friends just in case.
Day of week: this is more problematic. It made such an impression on him that even after so many years he still remembers what day of week it was. Here I can’t think of any other worthy explanation.

petit élèvepetit élève    Mer, 09/11/2016 - 21:51

Yes, that makes sense. "above heads" sounds rather strange in English though. Maybe "above head level" or something like that would render the idea better.
About the day of week, what seems strange is that the whole tale seems to happen right now, and the last verse jumps many years after the events.
Oh well, Isuppose curious readers can look at these comments and decide by themselves Regular smile

Ivan U7nIvan U7n    Mer, 09/11/2016 - 20:29

Even in Russian “поверх голов” sounds strange. My first idea was “with head held high”, though maybe “over heads” is a middle ground. Wink smile