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The cranes

I often think of our heroic soldiers
That never came back from the bloody plains
Imagine them not lying dead in polders
But still alive just turned into white cranes
 
Since those days till now taking off in
The flocks they fly above and give us cries
And maybe that's the reason that we often
Go silent, sad, look up into the skies
 
They fly and fly above and they are tired
The foggy day is nearing the end
I see a gap and I think what's transpired
They call on me to fill it, to ascend
 
A day will come I'll join the cranes in flying
In their flock through evening glaucous haze
From high above I will be sadly crying
For all I knew and loved in those days
 
I often think of our heroic soldiers
That never came back from the bloody plains
Imagine them not lying dead in polders
But still alive just turned into white cranes
 
Paroles originales

Журавли

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Commentaires
BratBrat    Lun, 24/01/2022 - 12:51

Hey, it's pretty singable, indeed!
Though the line
Since those days till now taking off in
is 2 syllables shorter than that of the original.
I can see the way one can sing it but it would be better to apply some tweaking like this:
From those old times till nowadays taking off in
It would be better even stylistically, IMO.
Moreover, there's another instance of 'those days' to be tweaked somehow, otherwise it is highly likely to mislead readers on the period of time implied:
For all I knew and loved in those days
Wouldn't it be better to use "in my past days" instead?

IremiaIremia
   Lun, 24/01/2022 - 13:34

Хороший перевод, Игорь! Но я согласна с Братом - в припеве не хватает слогов.

Since those days till now taking off in
The flocks they fly above and give us cries => since those old days till nowadays they fly in
The flocks above us uttering short cries

И ещё в конце:

From high above I will be sadly crying
For all I knew and loved in those days =>

For all I knew and loved in those old days

Dr_IgorDr_Igor
   Lun, 24/01/2022 - 15:07

Братья и сестры!
Дам вам полный ответ через пару часов. Соглашаться не буду видимо, т.к. у меня спето и записано.
Ключевое слово моего будущего ответа - дифтонг. Когда надо или очень хочется он поется на две ноты.
В некоторых случаях (those) засунуть его в одну короткую ноту - давиться.
Вспоминаются дни дифтонговых дискуссий - https://lyricstranslate.com/en/kogda-ya-vernus-day-i-return.html
Хорошее было время.

BratBrat    Lun, 24/01/2022 - 15:26

Дифтонги растянуты, песенка спета,
Осталось запостить в ютубе всё это...

Dr_IgorDr_Igor
   Lun, 24/01/2022 - 18:20

Конэчно, конэчно, какой, Брат, проблэма
Запостим запустим и будэт поэма
И будэт поэма проблэмы то нЭма
Вэдь нэ тэорэма и дажэ нэ лэмма

VerulaVerula    Lun, 24/01/2022 - 16:14

A beautiful translation and a beautiful song.

VerulaVerula    Lun, 24/01/2022 - 16:14

...and I hope to translate it soon. 💗

Dr_IgorDr_Igor
   Lun, 24/01/2022 - 18:19

You never fail to make your hopes come through!

VerulaVerula    Lun, 24/01/2022 - 18:36

Hahahahaha - there are still, let me see, 80 Severyanin-Igoriadas left! But this song is already translated.

VerulaVerula    Lun, 24/01/2022 - 18:43

Yeah! Leonid's and Freia's translation are very good, so there was no need for a third one, but it was such a wonderful song that I didn't want to go without…

Sergei KolesovSergei Kolesov    Ven, 22/07/2022 - 22:38

Уважаемый Игорь, благодарю за перевод и за напоминание об этой песне, о великолепном её исполнении Марком Бернесом! Меня всегда его "простой голос", "парня с нашей улицы" завораживал. Сергей