Прости мою ночную душу | Prosti moyu nochnuyu dushu (फ्रेंच में अनुवाद)

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Прости мою ночную душу | Prosti moyu nochnuyu dushu

Прости мою ночную душу
и пожалей.
 
Кругом всё тише, и всё глуше, и всё темней.
Я отойду в страну удушья, в хмарь ноября.
Прости мою ночную душу, любовь моя.
Спи, сон твой хочу подслушать, тревог полна.
Прости мою ночную душу в глубинах сна.
 
Прости мою ночную душу
и пожалей.
 
BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever द्वारा मंगल, 29/10/2019 - 01:20 को जमा किया गया
आख़िरी बार गुरु, 31/10/2019 - 05:27 को BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever द्वारा संपादित
जमा करने वाले के कमेंट:

Песня написана на стихи Анны Барковой

फ्रेंच में अनुवादफ्रेंच (poetic, singable)
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Pardonne à mon âme nocturne

Pardonne à mon âme nocturne
et prends pitié.
 
Tout est plus calme et plus profond et plus obscur.
Devant moi, morne et oppressant, s'étend novembre.
Pardonne à mon âme nocturne, ô mon amour.
Dors, car je veux saisir ton rêve, et tes angoisses.
Pardonne à mon âme nocturne au fond des songes.
 
Pardonne à mon âme nocturne
et prends pitié.
 
Говорят: в конце концов правда восторжествует, но это неправда. (А. П. Чехов)
JadisJadis द्वारा मंगल, 29/10/2019 - 17:10 को जमा किया गया
"Прости мою ночную ..." के अन्य अनुवाद
फ्रेंच P, SJadis
कमेन्ट
BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    मंगल, 29/10/2019 - 22:25

Really good translation. Thanks again for introducing us to her.I keep buying her songs and adding the ones I really like here.

JadisJadis    बुध, 30/10/2019 - 07:49

I suppose that "всё тише, и всё глуше, и всё темней" rather means "everything is getting more quiet, deeper, darker", but there is a doubt, and anyway it would be too long...

sandringsandring    बुध, 30/10/2019 - 08:22

Jadis, I think you should give this line a second fix.
Why don't you check it up with D's translation?
Devant moi, morne et oppressant, s'étend novembre. Regular smile

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    बुध, 30/10/2019 - 11:35

Ooh, Philippe was to look at my translation - I could hear his indignation across the oceans. Regular smile
He didn't even bother when I asked if my revised version is any better. The Lord Overseer was busy. 😛

JadisJadis    बुध, 30/10/2019 - 13:50

Deanna, I much admire your "I'll withdraw myself into the stranglehold of a bleak November", but have you ever tried to sing that ? (Good luck!)

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    बुध, 30/10/2019 - 16:33

Philippe, should I sing, you'll immediately find the land of asphyxia. Lol.
You do know that I was just jesting, right?

JadisJadis    बुध, 30/10/2019 - 16:41

It was a purely hypothetical hypothesis.

JadisJadis    बुध, 30/10/2019 - 13:46

Well, if il woud say "I will go for a country of asphyxya, into the dark (or: the mist, 2 meanings) of november", not only would it sound queer (especially "asphyxya"), but also much too long, and the rhythm would be destroyed :
 Я отойду / в страну удушья,/ в хмарь ноября
De
vant moi, morne / et oppressant, / s'étend novembre.
The rhythm is not perfectly the same, but very close. That's why I said it was both "singable" and "poetic".
"oppressant' stands for "asphyxya" (it makes one's breathing difficult), and "morne" (gloomy, dreary, bleak...) is here instead of "dark, mist". And "devant moi s'étend novembre" (before me November is stretching) is close to " I will go for a country (...) into (...) november." It took me much time fo find a suitable equivalent.
 

sandringsandring    बुध, 30/10/2019 - 14:47

Jadis, don't you ever worry about my French. I understand it all right. Je partirai en whatever it may be and November drifts by of its own accord don't match. And a poetic or singable translation is but a Dutch excuse. Why do you stick to that "asphyxia" thing? there are hundreds of other ways to say the same.

JadisJadis    बुध, 30/10/2019 - 14:52

"oppressant" for instance ? Regular smile
 

sandringsandring    बुध, 30/10/2019 - 15:07

What I mean is that "Я отойду" is an active action. November has nothing to do with it. She says "I'll hold my breath until I choke not to wake you up". That's an idea.

JadisJadis    बुध, 30/10/2019 - 16:05

It may be. I checked « отойти » in my dictionary, it says "s'éloigner, se retirer, reculer, s'en aller, partir, démarrer, se replier, se détacher" (etc.), so the choice is wide! I did bet on « to go away » (like уйти, as my dico suggests). Now it also mentions "отойти в сторону" (which looks rather similar to the present case) = s'écarter, se mettre à l'écart (and some more).
 
Anyway, here, it is clearly said "Я отойду в страну", and I can't see any "страну" in " I'll hold my breath until I choke not to wake you up " (which would be something like "Я задержу дыхание... ", I guess). I understand that it may be an image, but then the image should be rendered in the translation too...
 
I once committed a haiku, perhaps it influenced me, it goes like that  :
 
Devant le capot
tendu vers le point du jour
cinq cent kilomètres
 
It means more or less :
 
In front of the car hood
stretched towards daybreak
five hundred kilometers
 
and that means that the 500km will have to be travelled, the car, although still immobile, is ready to go in the morning (towards East ; it's the very moment before starting off). The active notion (the car running) is implied, not expressed. Saying « November is stretching before me » also implies, in my mind, that I will have to go towards, or through it.
 
Now if it's not about November, this is someting else, although I thought that both expresssions "в страну удушья" and "в хмарь ноября" where parallel (same construction, в + accusative [+ genitive] if I'm not wrong), so I thought it meant « towards the land of [asphyxya, or whatever], towards the [darkness, or whatever] of November. And that would mean that the concerned country is November.
 

JadisJadis    बुध, 30/10/2019 - 16:37

By the way, there is a (probably fundamental) aspect of the song I'm not sure everybody was aware of it : it's the repetition of the sound "уш" throughout the whole poem, nearly always at the same place (the "хочу" in L5 is also alike) :
 
Прости мою ночную душу и пожалей.
Кругом всё тише, и всё глуше, и всё темней.
Я отойду в страну удушья, в хмарь ноября.
Прости мою ночную душу, любовь моя.
Спи, сон твой хочу подслушать, тревог полна.
Прости мою ночную душу в глубинах сна.
Прости мою ночную душу и пожалей.
 
It would be great to produce something alike in the translation !
 

JadisJadis    बुध, 30/10/2019 - 17:01

But that's the whole diffence between poetry and prosa. Lol.

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    बुध, 30/10/2019 - 17:22

Laugh all you want, I translate and you write poems... Btw, is it politically correct to laugh at the poetically challenged [in France?]

JadisJadis    बुध, 30/10/2019 - 17:48

Dunno, but we usually much appreciate humoristic poems (which is not the case here). Here is an example for you (it's a "pastiche" of the original, on the same page above).
 

Pinchus ZelenogorskyPinchus Zelenogorsky    बुध, 30/10/2019 - 17:07

Уж замуж невтерпеж!
Это просто рифма сквозная.

Прости мою ночную душу
и пожалей.
Кругом всё тише, и всё глуше,
и всё темней.

Я отойду в страну удушья,
в хмарь ноября.
Прости мою ночную душу,
любовь моя.

Спи, сон твой хочу подслушать,
тревог полна.
Прости мою ночную душу
в глубинах сна.

Прости мою ночную душу
и пожалей.

JadisJadis    बुध, 30/10/2019 - 17:15

You're right, but that "уш" was not chosen at random. It evokes a regular but heavy breathing, and that's precisely what the song is about.

Pinchus ZelenogorskyPinchus Zelenogorsky    बुध, 30/10/2019 - 17:18

Ну, можно так посчитать. А на практике, автор использовал слово "душу" и стал искать к нему рифмы.

JadisJadis    बुध, 30/10/2019 - 17:43

As Deanna would say, that kind of analysis is a killjoy. Regular smile
(But true, this presentation is much better. I didn't know it, but it's much clearer so. I'm proud I felt by myself it should be something like that).