Свет и Тень | Svet i ten' (अंग्रेज़ी में अनुवाद)


Свет и Тень | Svet i ten'

Дарует солнце новый день
Единым росчерком луча,
Мрак на изломе жмется в тень
И прячется, как от меча.
А на закате, снова бой -
Размоет полутьма собой
Тон мира с барского плеча...
LizzzardLizzzard द्वारा सोम, 02/09/2019 - 16:49 को जमा किया गया
आख़िरी बार शुक्र, 06/09/2019 - 19:02 को LizzzardLizzzard द्वारा संपादित
जमा करने वाले के कमेंट:

краткая зарисовка времен междусобойчиков на сайте Демиарт, что можно угадать по первым буквам строк)

अंग्रेज़ी में अनुवादअंग्रेज़ी (metered, poetic, rhyming)
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Light and Shade

Daylight is granted by the Sun,
Engendered with one stroke of light.
Made frail, the gloom that swift blade shuns
In hopes that shade can help it hide.
At sunset, the old clash resumes —
Revived, the half-light will dilute
The world's hues lavishly applied...
AlmitraAlmitra द्वारा रवि, 13/10/2019 - 20:14 को जमा किया गया
आख़िरी बार गुरु, 07/11/2019 - 18:01 को AlmitraAlmitra द्वारा संपादित
लेखक के कमेन्ट:

According to the author, the original is an acrostic that spells out the name of the Demiart website. I tried to produce a poetic translation that preserves that feature of the original. A bit of verbal gymnastics, and voila. I'm not sure the result is as good as it could have been without the self-imposed restriction/challenge, but it's not for me to judge.

The last line was the one that I was really struggling with. The Russian expression "с барского плеча" denotes a precious gift (hence the word "prize") magnanimously granted by someone whose gifts should be cherished. And I couldn't quite figure out, whether it was the tone (colour) of the world that had been granted "с барского плеча" or something else.

As always, I'm open to suggestions and criticism.

Upd: I've corrected the last line to better reflect the idea explained by the author. Plus a few minor edits.

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    रवि, 13/10/2019 - 20:29

О, I tried to translate this poem as well and forgot to ask you whether тон мира = voice of piece or the way Al interpreted it = color

AlmitraAlmitra    रवि, 13/10/2019 - 21:09

I think it could mean the "voice of peace," as a reference to the word "бой." In my mind, I had an image of a tug of war, so to speak. At first, there is no colour - darkness reigns supreme. Then the Sun comes in with its sword - a ray of light - unsheathed to make the murk retreat and give the world its colour back. And at sunset, the half-light starts mixing in with the colours of the world, thus making them more bleak. That's the way I see it. I guess only the author themselves could clear up the confusion.

LizzzardLizzzard    रवि, 13/10/2019 - 22:56

Wow! even the first letters "demiart" are saved o_O I'm in silent admiration, I wouldn’t succeed if I tried.
Yes, Almitra correctly understood this battle. it’s a battle for color, bright colors of the day, dark colors of dawn (demiart is a community of drawing artists).

I especially like the prize. I originally meant the “generous brushstrokes” with which darkness paints the evening. As a master, restoring it's order) But the battle for the prize sounds amazing)

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    रवि, 13/10/2019 - 23:13

Darling, I missed you. I was only subsisting on the empty bantering. I'll pen a note to you and Vera. Plus, I am totally sleep deprived. I was online 2 hours ago and just found myself staring at the dark screen - finally got two hours of sleep. I added a ton of sad songs and some uncreative translations. Vera is stoically supporting me. Thanks, Vera, much appreciated. And, O, more of that light, please.

P.s. And look at Al's work. We claimed him as our own. I was just feeling too sad to explain LT poets on art and ask for the contribution - maybe Vera can do this? Regular smile as our official madam ambassador?

While at it, Almitra, do you like Al? Prefer Alex? Alexander?

LizzzardLizzzard    रवि, 13/10/2019 - 23:39

Sorry for the absence!
I’m torn between work and doctors) but this is nothing that I would not survive. every year I have a race to complete work projects, like many here)
And sleep more! My neurologist even wrote it to me in the prescription XD) But I hope we all finish this year well)

I absolutely agree with you! Almitra has a wonderful writing style!

AlmitraAlmitra    सोम, 14/10/2019 - 13:39

Thank you all for you generous feedback. No pressure, right? Wink smile I have changed "our Sun" to "the Sun" to improve the flow and rewritten the last line to incorporate Liz's explanation. As an added benefit, the line has a better rhyme now. I'm just a translator, not an author's rival, so I'll sack any line, no matter how much I like it, if it's not in line with the author's vision.

BlackSea4ever wrote:

While at it, Almitra, do you like Al? Prefer Alex? Alexander?

Call me however you like. A rose by any other name... Not that I'm a rose. It's just that I'll be me in any case.

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    रवि, 13/10/2019 - 21:16

Knowing O a bit, she will love your translation. I think your explanation is also exemplary.

Vera JahnkeVera Jahnke    रवि, 13/10/2019 - 21:48

voice/colour of peace/world - yes, that's the question!
Good that in Englisch/German "тон" is also "tone"/"Ton". But despite of that I also translated "Licht" (light, cвет), because "cвет" is the theme here. So "мира" should be "world", becauce I cannot imagine "shoulders of peace"...

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    रवि, 13/10/2019 - 22:54

It wouldn't be shoulders of peace, but rather "tone of peace as the gift [condescendengly given] from the powers of Heavens." The more I talk, the more correct Al and your choice sounds to me.

LizzzardLizzzard    रवि, 13/10/2019 - 22:58

“color of the world” / “voice of peace” - Lord, why didn’t I notice this before. In my opinion, people read it cooler than I wrote. XD This is not the first time I've noticed that translations sound more interesting than original)

silencedsilenced    रवि, 13/10/2019 - 22:14

с барского плеча -> wouldn't that just be the shelf behind a bar counter?
And the expression meaning something like a "freebie", like when the bartender offers a round of drinks?

LizzzardLizzzard    रवि, 13/10/2019 - 23:01

Silenced, I love your interpretation! even despite the fact that in reality it is not connected with the bar, the concept very much coincided! It's something like "From the duke's shoulder" - a generous gesture of someone who can afford himself to make a worthy gift right here and now.
(This literally meant that an influential person took off his valuable fur coat, or immediately ordered some of his expensive property to be brought in order to reward someone right now)
So if someone says "bartender, everyone drinks at my expense" - he does it "C барского плеча"))
(today the phrase can be applied simply to a generous gesture)

LizzzardLizzzard    रवि, 13/10/2019 - 23:42

In my case, this is more about the scope of the process.)
like - not on trifles, but in bold strokes)

silencedsilenced    सोम, 14/10/2019 - 00:00

Thank you Liz. I had an idea of the meaning but just tried to guess the origin. It's hard to find good explanations of Russian idioms online.
I hope you'll be fine and grace us with more of your delicious poetry.

LizzzardLizzzard    सोम, 14/10/2019 - 00:17

Thank you for your warm feedback! )))

just in case: "барского/барский" - comes from the word "барин" (master / landowner) (or барыня - if feminine)
in Russian prose about old times you can see phrase "подарил/дал/пожаловал шубу с барского плеча"
given the winters - just fur itself or fur coats were very valuable gifts. and the master’s fur coat was also beautifully decorated. so such gift was a very generous gesture.)

Vera JahnkeVera Jahnke    सोम, 14/10/2019 - 07:27

2 big "yes" from my side:
Yes, it it very hard to find Russian idioms!!
Yes, I also hope that we all can read more of Lizzzards poetry!!