Свет | Svet (अंग्रेज़ी में अनुवाद)

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Свет | Svet

Свет ярких звезд, холодный и прекрасный,
Свет солнца – жаркий, нещадящий зной,
И лунный свет, таинственно-манящий.
Сравниться разве может он с тобой?
 
Я назову тебя молитвенной свечою,
Тем пламенем, что годы напролет
В заснеженном окне, ночной порою
Указывая путь, кого-то ждет…
 
LizzzardLizzzard द्वारा गुरु, 05/09/2019 - 18:46 को जमा किया गया
आख़िरी बार बुध, 25/09/2019 - 14:01 को LizzzardLizzzard द्वारा संपादित
जमा करने वाले के कमेंट:

старинное посвящение, у которого как всегда нет названия)

अंग्रेज़ी में अनुवादअंग्रेज़ी (metered, poetic, rhyming)
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The Light

संस्करण: #1#2
The light of brilliant stars, so cold and stunning,
Bright sunlight with its fierce and searing heat,
And moonlight, so mysterious and beguiling—
A rival to you none of those could be.
 
A prayer candle is the name I'd give you—
The hot flame that for years in a row,
Burning at night-time by the frosted window
As guiding light, waits for someone to show…
 
AlmitraAlmitra द्वारा बुध, 20/11/2019 - 13:01 को जमा किया गया
लेखक के कमेन्ट:

In the original, line 5 has two extra syllables, and my initial translation went like this: A prayer candle is the name I'd rather give you. However, in the original, the 1st & 4th syllables are stressed, while the 2nd and 3rd are not, and the Russian stress patterns won't let you read it differently. But the same line in English would not have been read the way it was meant to be read: a pray-er-CAN-dle-is-the-NAME-I'd-ra-ther-GIVE-you. It would have been read like this: a PRAY-er-CAN-dle-, so it would be nothing but a stumbling block to English-speaking readers, which is why I got rid of 'rather.'

कमेन्ट
BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    बुध, 20/11/2019 - 13:07

first verse is perfect, 2nd one needs something. I'll wait to see if you improve it b4 making "suggestions" 🍎

AlmitraAlmitra    बुध, 20/11/2019 - 13:14

I mean, there's always room for improvement. But I'm afraid I fail to see what I may have missed when translating the final verse. Sometimes it's because we're too close to our translations, so feel free to voice your suggestions.

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    बुध, 20/11/2019 - 13:30

As three continents are now aware, I can't get the meter ( I seem to be marching to the tune only known to me) and rhyming right, so feel free to ignore my suggestions:
A prayer candle is the name I'd give you—
The hot flame that for years in a row, --- That flame that keeps years through
Burning at night-time by the frosted window --- the nights, burning by the window
As guiding light, waits for someone to show… --- as a guiding light, waiting for someone

AlmitraAlmitra    बुध, 20/11/2019 - 13:57

That way we'd have to lose the L6-L8 rhyme and make the last sentence, which spans four lines, more complex than it already is. When I was translating the last verse, I tried to make its syntax as clear as possible, for the original has two consecutive clauses that 'split' the main idea in two. It'd be tough on the reader, especially an English-speaking one, since English has almost no inflections to indicate the relations between words.

AlmitraAlmitra    बुध, 20/11/2019 - 15:00

Btw, marching to your own rhythm is actually a good thing when you're writing your own poems. Gives you a distinctive style. Alas, a translator has no choice but to convey someone else's ideas, speak in someone else's voice, and march to someone else's heartbeat. It is very much like acting. Since only the best of the best can bring about a perfect transformation on demand, I try to follow a piece of advice I got years ago - if you can pick a text to translate, choose the one that bears some semblance to what you could have written, or you will end up struggling with the source text, and struggling always shows. I follow it to this day.

LizzzardLizzzard    बुध, 20/11/2019 - 15:50

You are amazing as always!
Thank you so much for such a nice and close translation ♥
I am delighted!

P. S. and thank you for sharing an interesting thought on translations. really very accurately noticed.)

AlmitraAlmitra    बुध, 20/11/2019 - 16:25

Thank you so much! And I meant what I said in my comment, which is why I choose to translate poetry proper (as I understand it), like your lines, instead of rap lyrics. While rap lyrics may be very poetic and charged with some powerful imagery, I wouldn't write a rap song to say what I have to say, I'd write a poem, a rhyming, metered, old-fashioned poem. Hence my choice of texts for translation.