Не могу оторвать глаз от тебя (Angol translation)

Angol translationAngol (metered, rhyming)

I can't take my eyes off of you

Versions: #1#2
I was born this morning
Before the very first light
Silence is outside me
Silence I have inside
I bow to the dying stars
I bow to the light of the moon
But inside me rises to surface
Inaudible to everyone tune
I was born on the North
To longer preserve myself
I don't have friends
Who can sway me aiming well
Sea parted in front of me
Yielded to fire I brew
And inside all hands went off-scale
At day's earliest view
I couldn't take my eyes off of you [x6]
I was born with an erased memory
My home is somewhere far
I recall learning to walk
Without touching the floor;
I left for the desert,
Where every stone remembers your stride
But I could never missed out on you
Just as I wouldn't fail to see the sunrise.
I can't take my eyes off of you [x12]
© Schnurrbrat
Critique is always welcomed (proof-read or not, negative too).
Kűldve: SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat Szombat, 09/03/2019 - 04:36
Last edited by SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat on Szombat, 04/05/2019 - 23:15

Не могу оторвать глаз от тебя

More translations of "Не могу оторвать ..."
Collections with "Не могу оторвать ..."
Pinhas ZelenogorskyPinhas Zelenogorsky    Kedd, 02/04/2019 - 04:07

Великолепный перевод, очень воздушный! Интересно, как воспринимается носителями английского. Единственное спорное место - это стрелки часов. Зашкаливали ведь стрелки "биологических часов" внутри.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Kedd, 02/04/2019 - 04:16

true, but have to include "clocks" to prevent confusion with hands as part of the body
Edit: fixed. thanks for proofreading.

IgeethecatIgeethecat    Kedd, 02/04/2019 - 05:01

Стрелки зашкаливают - idiomatic equivalents in English would be ‘being’ “off the charts”, “off the scales”, “through the roof”, etc.
Может, как-то можно использовать? А то с часами не совсем понятно Regular smile

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Kedd, 02/04/2019 - 05:56

Yeah, i know this one. The problem that I've found "hands rolled over" somewhere while looking for a fitting phrase. Will think a bit more on this.
thank you.
EDIT: found 45 idioms with "roll", no roll over though. GT gives roll over.

IgeethecatIgeethecat    Kedd, 02/04/2019 - 04:19

The common phrase is “Can't take my eyes OFF you”. Regular smile

Phil AmbroPhil Ambro    Kedd, 02/04/2019 - 04:23

It's really good, but the title really should be "I can't take my eyes off of you" or "eyes off you".

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Szombat, 20/04/2019 - 23:47

Thank you, corrected after a loooooooong time of the consideration.

vevvevvevvev    Kedd, 02/04/2019 - 06:52

Good job!
"Can't take my eyes off you" -> "Couldn't take my eyes off you"
"Just as I could not fail to see the SUNSET" -> "Just as I could not fail to see the DAWN"
Dawn has a joyous shade, and sunset is sad. It is important.

IgeethecatIgeethecat    Kedd, 02/04/2019 - 07:11

It’s very common to confuse sunset and sunrise. I’ve seen it more than once even from native English speakers Regular smile

And about “couldn’t “ - он же сейчас и реально не может оторвать Wink smile couldn’t не лезет по духу

vevvevvevvev    Kedd, 02/04/2019 - 08:54

Тут дело не в духе, а в том, что БГ написал "не мог" и "рассвет".

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Kedd, 02/04/2019 - 14:35

Thanks, vevvev,
I finally found (with sandring's help) where is the past tense in the original. Thought everyone referring to the title.
I will consider sunrise change .

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Kedd, 02/04/2019 - 07:30

Thank you, but i don't think it is important.
Have you been in the desert? It is possible to miss sunrise / dawn - it sometimes just gets gradually lighter/warmer.
Sunsets are way more dramatic in the desert, something you would never miss.
That was my logic sense behind this change; practical aspect is keeping the rhyme in this stanza.

Regarding past tense - again, i think it is necessary - it is in the original and describing past experience. At least, that's how i understood this verse.
EDIT: misunderstood where you want past/present tense. No, title remains as it is. It is one of many many many songs with such title. =)
Anyway, thank you for suggestions.

sandringsandring    Kedd, 02/04/2019 - 07:40

Hi, Uncommon.
There are two options I couldn't take my eyes off you and I can't take my eyes off you. In your translation, there's only one.

A bit of grammar for the correct meaning (made it rhyme for you)

Где каждый камень помнит твой след Where every stone remembers your stride
Но я не мог бы упустить тебя But I could have never missed out on you
Как я не мог бы не увидеть рассвет. Like I would have never missed out the sunrise.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Kedd, 02/04/2019 - 08:02

Thanks, sandring.

I frankly have no clue what u guys are all talking about (re Title)? Why should be past tense?
Are there different idiomatic meanings? I doubt that. Couldn't sounds lame when you sing such song.
"can't take my eyes off you" looks like the most common name for a pop song, isn't it? Like a half of planet showed off their originality.

Thanks regarding last verse. I'll review my grammar there.
Not sure about stride / sunrise. I'm o.k. with current form, i don't think i bend original meaning a great deal there. But i will review it one more time.

sandringsandring    Kedd, 02/04/2019 - 13:19

Я не мог оторвать глаз от тебя. I couldn't ....

Я не могу оторвать глаз I can't.....

Разное в разных местах

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Kedd, 02/04/2019 - 17:43

@Igeethecat @vevvev

I yielded to comments you brew,
Translation much improved,
Please proof-read as new. =)

Fellow grammarians could you please check out the very last line?
@sandring I'm trying to maintain as much as possible from my own version while improving grammar, plus I didn't like where stress is in one you've suggested.

Thank you.

BratBrat    Kedd, 02/04/2019 - 18:12

My home somewhere far -> My home country's to me out of bounds ('ground' in the matching string would rhyme even better)

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Kedd, 02/04/2019 - 18:43

Thanks, Brat.
You right, it will bring syllable count closer to the original, will improve rhyme and meaning of the ground/floor choice.
From my point of view "out of bounds" itself is not improvement meaning wise.
I probably just stubborn and I'm fighting to keep my own version. I like those two short lines, i decreased syllable count to 6 from 9 or 10 and i like the result. In general, i found that matching huge # of syllables in Russian original often clatters the English translation.

Pinhas ZelenogorskyPinhas Zelenogorsky    Szerda, 03/04/2019 - 02:38

Это хорошая идея - уменьшать количество слогов при переводе RU->EN и увеличивать при движении в обратную сторону. Именно это позволило сделать английский перевод таким воздушным.
Иначе получаются вот такие монстры: https://lyricstranslate.com/en/gopniki-%D0%B3%D0%BE%D0%BF%D0%BD%D0%B8%D0...
Моя любимая строка:
Whose these so bedraggled with ground and shit the western cowboy boots are on the feet?