Chelovek iz Kemerova (Человек Из Кемерова) (Angol translation)

Reklám
Angol translationAngol (metered, rhyming)
A A

That Fellow from Kemerovo

Versions: #1#2
I had a number of problems;
Have I ventured a great deal too far?
The lowest bottoms of the lowest hell
Didn’t look deep enough as they are,
And then I’ve called my mother,
And she was right saying so,
She gave her answer: “You have to place a call
To that fellow from Kemerovo".
 
He stings with his words like De Niro;
His arguments make you sick.
The chance you can rip him off is zero,
The underground escapes - that's his trick.
If heavens will plummet to earth,
If all grass will cease to grow -
He will come and silently right all wrong,
Oh, that fellow from Kemerovo.
 
Adam is a fugitive,
Abel is trapped inside the cellular net,
And Noah didn’t finish what he was building,
Got wasted, fell face in the mud, all wet;
The written history of mankind
Wouldn’t be so misaligned,
If they would find time and senses to converse
With that fellow from Kemerovo.
 
I received one phone call from Kiev,
Another - from Kathmandu;
They called to open a plenum session –
I explained to them what they should do.
I will drink tonight plain water - a liter or two,
So at dawn my head would be straight and whole -
Since today I have intention to drink
With that fellow from Kemerovo.
 
© Schnurrbrat
Critique is always welcomed (proof-read or not, negative too).
Kűldve: SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat Hétfő, 25/03/2019 - 16:18
Last edited by SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat on Péntek, 21/06/2019 - 02:50

Chelovek iz Kemerova (Человек Из Кемерова)

Hozzászólások
SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Hétfő, 25/03/2019 - 21:42

@St. Sol @brat
Guys could you proof read a bit? Did I earn my first "E" tag or not. Please cut like a knife.

St. SolSt. Sol    Kedd, 26/03/2019 - 00:10

Very good, but not quite E yet. My comments to improve will follow tomorrow.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Kedd, 26/03/2019 - 04:56

After singing third stanza number of times, I could live with this mankind-misaligned verse, it gives some positive structure.
If I want all my stanzas end on "Kemerovo" I have to sacrifice something.
So It boiled down to the fix of last three lines of a poem (two without refrain line): work-in-progress, but i think it's better now.
Another weak line: Got wasted, fell face in the mud, all wet;
Tomorrow with coffee.

St. SolSt. Sol    Szerda, 27/03/2019 - 00:09

Suggestions:
And I have ventured a bit too far; [ --^ --^ --^ ] => i have gOne just a lIttle too fAr (eliminates stressing of the "a" article)
And then I’ve called my mother, => And then I’ve called my dear mother, (need to add a syllable before "mother")
Mom answered: "You will have to place a call => Mom sAid that I have to mAke urgent cAll (eliminates stressing of "to")
Stingy for words just like De Niro; => He's stingy with words like De Niro (fixes stressing pattern)
Arguing with him is only for sick. => Arguing with him's just for sick (fixes stressing pattern)
Underground escape - that is his trick. => Underground escape - that's his trick.
When heavens will plummet to earth, => [When] heavens crash to the ground (must use present tense after "when", "when" is optional (out of meter) but easily singable: in such cases I put it in [] brackets as an option)
Where grass will cease to grow - => When the grass stops to grow at all
And written history of mankind => The written history of mankind
Wouldn’t be so misaligned, => Wouldn't be so badly crooked
If they would find their senses to communicate => If they could find their sense to connect with (that old? man from...)
They called to open a plenum session – => They called me to open the plenum talks –
At the dawn my head would not hang so low - => So that my head would be straight by the dawn
.
Regards, St

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Kedd, 26/03/2019 - 16:18

Thanks, St. Sol.
Let me process this. It seems your remarks are mostly about stressing.
I guess that is the reason of change to "crooked", but it kills the perfect rhyme with mankind though.

BratBrat    Kedd, 26/03/2019 - 16:45

Wouldn’t be so misaligned, => Wouldn't be so badly crooked => Would nOt be so mIsalIgned (I think, "misaligned" is good enough to be kept, plus "crooked" in fact has 2 syllables)

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Kedd, 26/03/2019 - 16:49

Probably will need day or two - can't sing out-loud at work Wink smile

Pinhas ZelenogorskyPinhas Zelenogorsky    Szerda, 27/03/2019 - 01:47

Круто! Но что-то герой не то и не тогда делает с водой в последней строфе. И впечатление, что он собрался в пожизненный запой, хотя речь идет о разовой выпивке.
И что-то я не ловлю рифму к Кемерово. У БГ ударение на первый слог: "кЕ-мерава", так что крива, права, трава, голова его вполне устраивают. Ударение на последний строк "ва".

BratBrat    Szerda, 27/03/2019 - 02:07
Pinhas Zelenogorsky wrote:

И впечатление, что он собрался в пожизненный запой, хотя речь идет о разовой выпивке.

Это результат чересчур буквального восприятия текста. Уверен, что у большинства англоговорящих такого не будет.
А так песню уже вполне можно петь на английском.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Szerda, 27/03/2019 - 02:09
Pinhas Zelenogorsky wrote:

... хотя речь идет о разовой выпивке.

Can't disagree more, PZ. He is going to drink with that Fellow from Kemerovo. That's different Wink smile I will fix two lines you mentioned and others. For now I'm time limited. Kemerovo gives little rhymes to choose from, but i think i found few with similar stress with repeating "O"s

Pinhas ZelenogorskyPinhas Zelenogorsky    Szerda, 27/03/2019 - 02:15

Сейчас сбацаем. Петь, видимо, надо Кемероу?