Rakoshiy Nelch - Svyashennik i Brodyaga (Священник И Бродяга) (Angol translation)

Orosz

Svyashennik i Brodyaga (Священник И Бродяга)

Судьба на перекрестке двух путей
Свела священника с бродягой.
Отец, глядя из-под седых бровей,
Слегка смутился передрягой.
 
"Как смеешь преграждать ты мне дорогу?"-
С надмением он скитальцу произнес.
Ты грамму пользы миру не принес,
А я всю жизнь прислуживаю богу
 
"Умерь свой пыл священноликий,
Меня учить нужды особой нету,
Ты лучше б прекратил нытье и крики
И щедро одарил меня монетой."
 
"Я многим в своей жизни подавал,
Но класть в твою ладонь не стану, путник.
Твой вид мне говорит, что ты распутник
И душу свою бесам даровал.
 
Ты никогда не чтил Господних правил,
Твой взгляд внушает людям страх,
Ты многих разорял и грабил,
Все это я прочел в твоих глазах."
 
"Не стоит распыляться на кресте,
Все ваши догмы обратились в пепел,
И ты поди душой не так уж светел,
Мой верный братец во Христе"
 
"Как братом называть ты меня смеешь?
Твоим грехам раздивится Гоморра!
Я мир несу, а ты собою сеешь
Зачатки злобы ужаса и мора."
 
"Пускай я обирал не в меру,
Пускай просил, чтобы остаться сытым,
Но я людей лишаю только быта,
А ты за деньги продаешь им веру."
 
Kűldve: SaintMark Péntek, 26/08/2016 - 19:57
Last edited by Sophia_ on Hétfő, 16/04/2018 - 18:19
Align paragraphs
Angol translation

A Priest And A Tramp

Destiny at the crossing of two ways,
Brought together a priest and a tramp.
The ecclesiastic, looking out from under hoary eyebrows,
Was slightly embarrassed by the situation.
 
"How dare you block my way?" -
He haughtily said to the wanderer.
"You haven't brought an ounce of good to the world,
And I've been serving God my whole life!"
 
"Temper your ardor, churchman.
There is no special need to teach me.
You'd better stop yelling and screaming,
And generously give me a coin."
 
"I gave alms to many in this life,
But I'm not going to put in your palm, wayfarer.
Your appearance tells me you're a libertine
And gave your soul to the Devil.
 
You've never honored God's rules.
Your glance inspires a fear among people.
You ravaged and robbed many people.
All this I've read in your eyes."
 
"There is no need to anger on the cross,
All your dogmas turned to ashes.
And trust me, you aren't such a saint already,
My faithful brother in Christ"
 
"How dare you call me a brother?
Your sins could surprise even Gomorrah!
I'm bringing peace and you're sowing
Seeds of anger, fear and pestilence."
 
"It's true I robbed a lot,
It's true I accepted alms to stay well-fed,
But I only deprive them of wealth,
While you sell them faith for money!"
 
Kűldve: r_n Hétfő, 16/04/2018 - 15:43
Added in reply to request by SaintMark
Last edited by r_n on Csütörtök, 19/04/2018 - 14:58
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petit élève    Hétfő, 16/04/2018 - 16:08

Beautiful lyrics, beautiful song. You guys are really good.

Sophia_    Hétfő, 16/04/2018 - 18:17

I agree. Really good songs.

Brat    Kedd, 17/04/2018 - 15:17

And what about a bit of proofreading?
S1L1 at the crossroads of two ways->at the crossing of two ways (there's no need to repeat roads-ways)
S1L2 the priest and the tramp->a priest and a tramp (we don't know anything about these people except their occupation)
S1L3 by looking->looking
S1L4 Had ->Was

S2L3 hasn't brought an ounce of use-> haven't brought an ounce of good

S4L2 inspires a fear to people.-> inspires fear among people.

S7L2 Your sins will be surprised even the Gomorrah!-> Your sins could surprise even Gomorrah! or Even Gomorrah could be surprised at your sins!
S7L3 I bringing the peace and you sowing->I'm bringing peace and you're sowing
S7L4 The dawning of anger->Seeds of anger (you couldn't sow a dawn, indeed Regular smile )

BTW, petit élève may add something I've missed. Wink smile

petit élève    Kedd, 17/04/2018 - 15:30

I'm a bit uneasy proofreading the authors of the song themselves. I mean, it's their work, and who am I to think I could do better?
Still I agree some bits could use more standard English.

I can't fault your remarks, except "surprised at" would mean a disappointment (as if the guy did not meet Gomorrah's expectations Regular smile ), so "surprised by" would be better here.
Actually to make it sound more natural I would rather adapt it as "Your sins make Gomorrah look like a joke" or something like that.

Brat    Kedd, 17/04/2018 - 15:35
petit élève wrote:

I'm a bit uneasy proofreading the authors of the song themselves. I mean, it's their work, and who am I to think I could do better?

Наше дело - предложить, Ваше (автора) дело - отказаться. Wink smile

petit élève wrote:

Still I agree some bits could use more standard English.

I can't fault your remarks, except "surprised at" would mean a disappointment (as if the guy did not meet Gomorrah's expectations Regular smile ), so "surprised by" would be better here.
Actually to make it sound more natural I would rather adapt it as "Your sins make Gomorrah look like a joke" or something like that.

That's good! You see, "раздивится" is not a very common word, thus the translation should also be of that kind. Teeth smile

petit élève    Kedd, 17/04/2018 - 15:40

If you want something unusual but still idiomatic, maybe "your sins would leave Gomorrah gaping" ?

Brat    Kedd, 17/04/2018 - 15:46

Thumbs up
And someone has just said about being uneasy. Teeth smile

r_n    Kedd, 17/04/2018 - 17:36

Thanks for your corrections! I've changed it.
I would appreciate for any grammatical remarks!

petit élève    Kedd, 17/04/2018 - 18:03

Well, if you're okay with some remarks on the form, I'll be honoured to contribute.

I serve God -> rather "I've been serving God my whole life" (I spent my life serving...)

put in your palm -> put anything on your palm ("put" requires a complement, and "palm" would rather be a flat surface)

You ravaged and robbed a lot of people -> you could replace "a lot of people" with "many", that would sound nicer with the same meaning

"Even though / But" does not really work. "but" is already implied by "even though".
Also I think "take the alms" is a bit unusual. You would rather "accept alms".
Finally, "while" is clearer than "and" to express an opposition.

Rather "Even though I robbed a lot, even though I accepted alms to stay well-fed, I only deprive them of wealth, while you sell them faith for money!"
Or maybe "It is true... But... While..." or "I might have robbed..., I might have accepted alms..., But... While..."

Brat    Kedd, 17/04/2018 - 18:17

Well, you might suggest whatever you want, but don't touch put in Teeth smile
AFAIK, "put in the palm" is a pretty common expression when talking about giving alms in English. Or even "in the palm of your hand". Wink smile
The rest is fine, as usual. Wink smile

Brat    Kedd, 17/04/2018 - 18:41

That's what I mean speaking about prepositions... So, "putting in the palm" would rather mean "giving smth. in such a manner that the grantee could grasp it at once". Regular smile
And the other option is "to lay ON a palm"... Regular smile

petit élève    Kedd, 17/04/2018 - 18:43

Well, that sounds sensible but I can't really say what would sound best. Maybe we could invite @Gavin here too? Nothing like a native to judge the effect in context.

Gavin    Szerda, 18/04/2018 - 15:04

Putting *something* in the palm certainly sounds like giving alms but not sure "put in the palm" by itself makes a lot of sense...

But I'm not going to put in your palm, wayfarer.
how about:
"But I'll not put anything in your palm, wayfarer"

or even "But I will not cross your palm, wayfarer" (cross with silver)

I actually prefer that. "To cross someone's palm with silver" is such a well known idiom that it works even without "the silver"

It's a very good translation BTW Regular smile

r_n    Csütörtök, 19/04/2018 - 10:58

Should I correct the title on "A Priest And A Tramp"?

Brat    Csütörtök, 19/04/2018 - 14:42

Ah, yes, it would be better. Regular smile

r_n    Csütörtök, 19/04/2018 - 14:57

Thumbs up