Jokes/Aνέκδοτα

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Master
<a href="/hu/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Csatlakozott: 19.07.2018

- “All you ever do is move on. Don’t you want something meaningful?’
- ‘That’s how you find it. Looking for love’s like looking for oil, you’ve got to drill a few holes before you hit a gusher.”

Excerpt From: Hyland, Alex. “Black Violet.” Accent Press Ltd, 2017. iBooks.

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/hu/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1331196">Flopsi <div class="editor_icon" title="Editor" ></div></a>
Csatlakozott: 12.03.2017

A priest telling his sacristan: „It’s a long time since your last confession. How about now?“ The sacristan telling the priest: „But I’ve got nothing to confess.“
„We’ll see.“ And they go into the confessional.
„Dear son, is there anything you would like to tell me?“
„I’ve got nothing to confess.“
„I’m wondering who’s drinking the altar wine.“
„Sorry, I can’t hear you.“
„I said: My wine is always gone. Who’s drinking it?“
„Sorry, but I can’t understand you. We’ll switch places and you’ll see for yourself.“
After switching places the sacristan says: „I’m wondering who’s sleeping with my wife.“
„You’re right I really can’t understand a word.“

Újonc
<a href="/hu/translator/finland-gaming" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1403472">Finland Gaming </a>
Csatlakozott: 23.11.2018

No Way

Master
<a href="/hu/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Csatlakozott: 19.07.2018

Phil, [@Phil Ambro]
This is the joke forum. The key is: you read a joke and LIKE it if you want. No critique is expected publically. Enjoy!

Super Member Keep To Yourself
<a href="/hu/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1208934">makis17 </a>
Csatlakozott: 31.05.2014

__Hello, are you there?
__Yes, who are you please?
__I'm Watt.
__What's your name?
__Watt's my name.
__Yes, what's your name?
__My name is John Watt.
__John What?
__Yes, are you Jones?
__No I'm Knott.
__Will you tell me your name then?
__Will Knott.
__Why not?
__My name is Knott.
__Not what?
__Not Watt, Knott.
__What?

Banned User The Bride
<a href="/hu/translator/crazylove" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1402849">Black Mamba </a>
Csatlakozott: 18.11.2018

Συννενοηση μηδεν.

Master
<a href="/hu/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Csatlakozott: 19.07.2018
Master
<a href="/hu/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Csatlakozott: 19.07.2018

Have you heard the original? If not, enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTcRRaXV-fg

Master
<a href="/hu/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Csatlakozott: 19.07.2018

Married couple at a fine restaurant. Husband noticed that wife kept staring at the table next to them occupied by a man in a drunken stupor!
He asked: do you know this man?
Wife: yes, this is my ex-husband! He's been drinking like that ever since I left him 7 years ago!
Husband: that's remarkable! I wouldn't think anyone could celebrate that long!

Master
<a href="/hu/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Csatlakozott: 19.07.2018

A woman walks up to an obnoxious drunk at a bar and tells him, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your drink."
The man replies, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/hu/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1331196">Flopsi <div class="editor_icon" title="Editor" ></div></a>
Csatlakozott: 12.03.2017

Good resolutions for the New Year
2017
1) Losing 20 pounds
2) Using the cell phone not that often
3) Running 3x a week
4) No more alcohol

2018
5) Losing 5 pounds
6) Using the cell phone not for hours
7) Running 1x a week
8) Less alcohol

2019
9) Losing 2 pounds
10) Using the cell phone not at night
11) Running 1x a month
12) Less alcohol after 6 p. m.

You'll all have a Happy New Year!!!

Expert
<a href="/hu/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1387945">Jadis </a>
Csatlakozott: 01.07.2018

It's about the guy who decided to become perfect.
On the first day, he gave up smoking.
On the secund day, he gave up drinking.
On the third day, he gave up giving up.

Happy New Year too !

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/hu/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1331196">Flopsi <div class="editor_icon" title="Editor" ></div></a>
Csatlakozott: 12.03.2017

A man took a woman to his crib. She realizes her menstruation had just started. „Well, he’s probably too drunk to notice anyway.“ She leaves him early in the morning. As he wakes he sees the puddle of blood in his bed. „Oh no! What have I done?“. He jumps up, checks his weapons „okay, I didn’t shoot her“, checks his knives „I didn’t stab her either“, looks in the mirror and starts to scream „fuck, no, I ate her“.

Super Member Keep To Yourself
<a href="/hu/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1208934">makis17 </a>
Csatlakozott: 31.05.2014

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this motorcycle?
Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!
Biker: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation...
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag but tools.
Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

Happy Easter!! :D

Expert
<a href="/hu/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1387945">Jadis </a>
Csatlakozott: 01.07.2018

This reminds me of a Russian (but not only Russian) humoristic tale about an old man who found a treasure, and his wife told it to everybody, and then the barin summoned them both to his court... I have to find it again.

Master
<a href="/hu/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Csatlakozott: 19.07.2018

For some reason, pretty certain due to your work with st Sol, this came to my mind,
Кафедра русского языка. Две доцентши, одна курит, вторая разгадывает кроссворд.
— Мария Ивановна, «Полный крах всех надежд», шесть букв, вторая «и»...
Курящая долго думает, потом:
— Ну, не может быть! В газете?
— Да.
— «П...ц»?!
— Подходит...
Входит завкафедрой, профессорша.
— Софья Марковна, вот вы доктор наук! «Полный крах всех надежд», шесть букв, вторая «и»?
— «П...ц»! Однозначно!
— Ну не может же быть в российской газете...
— Сейчас все может быть!
Входит аспирантка Машенька, юное невинное созданьице.
— Вот молодежь все знает! Машенька, «Полный крах всех надежд», шесть букв, вторая «и»! У нас только один вариант — «п...ц»!
Машенька краснеет до корней волос и шепчет:
— «Фиаско».

Expert
<a href="/hu/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1387945">Jadis </a>
Csatlakozott: 01.07.2018

:)
 
Жаль, подмога не пришла,
Подкрепленья не прислали.
Что ж, обычные дела.
Нас с тобою наебали...

Master
<a href="/hu/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Csatlakozott: 19.07.2018

РАДИ БАБЫ СВОЕЙ ВСЕ ДЕЛА ОТЛОЖУ...
ЧТОБ В ТОСКЕ У ОКНА НЕ СИДЕЛА....
ТО КОНЯ ШУГАНУ... ТО ИЗБУ ПОДОЖГУ...
ЕЙ НЕЛЬЗЯ БЕЗ ЛЮБИМОГО ДЕЛА!!!!!

Expert
<a href="/hu/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1387945">Jadis </a>
Csatlakozott: 01.07.2018

Oh, I found it, it's called "Барин и мужик" in Russian, but "The Fish in the Forest" in English. Sorry that the videos are a little lengthy, but they're quite interesting, IMO.

Master
<a href="/hu/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Csatlakozott: 19.07.2018

Мама, я вот подумал, буду всё-таки космонавтом. Вот будет у меня жена, будет всё время говорить: "пропылесось, убери, сходи в магазин..." А я не могу - я в космосе!

Mom, I thought about it and decided that, after all, when I grow up, I will become an astronaut. I will get married and wife will tell me: "vacuum, clean up, go to the store..." But, I won't be able to - I will be in space!

Master
<a href="/hu/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Csatlakozott: 19.07.2018

ХОРОШИХ мужиков разобрали ещё щенками, а брать взрослую собаку в дом, не зная её повадки, ОПАСНО!
--
ХОРОШИХ баб разобрали ещё щенками, а брать взрослую суку в дом, не зная её повадки, ОПАСНО!
---

Super Member Keep To Yourself
<a href="/hu/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1208934">makis17 </a>
Csatlakozott: 31.05.2014

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.. 😇⚰️⚰️⚰️😇

Expert
<a href="/hu/translator/brat" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1334845">Brat </a>
Csatlakozott: 13.04.2017

Если б выбрать я мог, как покинуть сей свет, -
Дай мне, Господи, мужества не беситься от жиру! -
Я бы умер спокойно, во сне, как мой дед,
А не с криками ужаса, как его пассажиры...

:D

Expert
<a href="/hu/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1387945">Jadis </a>
Csatlakozott: 01.07.2018

S'il faut choisir sa mort, j'aime mieux, je l'assure,
Celle de mon grand-père, endormi calmement
Que celle, douloureuse et triste, que connurent
Ses passagers hurlant abominablement.
:P
 

Super Member Keep To Yourself
<a href="/hu/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1208934">makis17 </a>
Csatlakozott: 31.05.2014

@Brat & @Jadis, είμαστε υποχρεωμένοι να γνωρίζουμε ρώσικα και γαλλικά;
Γράψτε σε μία διεθνή γλώσσα όπως είναι τα αγγλικά για να καταλαβαίνουμε τι γράφετε, άντε μπράβο μη θυμώσω! :P

Master
<a href="/hu/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Csatlakozott: 19.07.2018

They just translated your joke as a rhyming Russian and French - showoffs

Super Member Keep To Yourself
<a href="/hu/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1208934">makis17 </a>
Csatlakozott: 31.05.2014

Just kidding dear! ;)

Expert
<a href="/hu/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1387945">Jadis </a>
Csatlakozott: 01.07.2018

Now we're expecting your rhymed and metered Greek version... ;)
 

Super Member Keep To Yourself
<a href="/hu/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1208934">makis17 </a>
Csatlakozott: 31.05.2014

A maestro was frustated with the bad performance of the women cellists, so he shouted:
"Women, you have the god's most beautiful instrument between your legs and all you can do is scratch it!" 😋

Super Member Keep To Yourself
<a href="/hu/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1208934">makis17 </a>
Csatlakozott: 31.05.2014

_If I take lexotanil with viagra what do you say could happen to me?
_You will go the fuck to sleep :P

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Go_the_Fuck_to_Sleep

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/hu/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1331196">Flopsi <div class="editor_icon" title="Editor" ></div></a>
Csatlakozott: 12.03.2017

Time changes will be this year on Sunday, March 29, 2020.
Oh great - one less hour to spend at home...

Master
<a href="/hu/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Csatlakozott: 19.07.2018

To those who empty supermarket shelves! Don’t forget condoms lest you should propagate such idiots like you!

Retired Moderator
<a href="/hu/translator/aldefina" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1152070">Aldefina </a>
Csatlakozott: 16.01.2013

- It's long, stiff and has cum in it. What is it?
- Well, I guess it's a co...
- No, it's a cu..., a cucumber. But I like the way you think.

Master
<a href="/hu/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Csatlakozott: 19.07.2018

Father is taking son out. He asks the son how are the things at school (obviously, a pre-pandemic joke). The boy excitedly says that his class held auditions for a play and he got the role of a man married for a long time. Father encouragingly says: if you study hard, try hard, you will eventually get a speaking part.

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/hu/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1331196">Flopsi <div class="editor_icon" title="Editor" ></div></a>
Csatlakozott: 12.03.2017

A psychiatrist shows his patient some Rorschach tests.
He asks: „Can you tell me what you see?“
„Yes, sexual intercourse.“
„And this?“
„Sexual intercourse“
„And this?“
„Sexual intercourse“
„Seems like your sexual fixated.“
„Me? You’re showing me all this nasty stuff!“

Retired Moderator
<a href="/hu/translator/aldefina" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1152070">Aldefina </a>
Csatlakozott: 16.01.2013

A patient asks a doctor:
- Can I catch a gonorrhoea by sitting on a lavatory seat?
- Well, of course you can. But why should you do that when there are more pleasurable ways of catching it?

Retired Moderator
<a href="/hu/translator/aldefina" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1152070">Aldefina </a>
Csatlakozott: 16.01.2013

- How deep is a woman's vagina?
- It's very deep. You can't imagine how deep it is. It can swallow your house, your car, your children, your dog and half of the money you spared.

Master
<a href="/hu/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Csatlakozott: 19.07.2018

Little boy Izzy was in the room where his mother took her lover while his father was at work. Izzy was hiding in a closet. Suddenly, the husband comes home. The wife hides her lover in the closet, not knowing that her son is already there.

- Izzy: It's dark here.
- Yes.
- I have a soccer ball.
- Wonderful.
- You do not want to buy it?
- No, thanks.
- My father is outside.
- How much?
- 250 dollars.

A few weeks later, Izzy and the man meet again in the closet.
Izzy: It's dark here.
- Yes.
- I have sneakers.
Remembering the last time, a man asks:
- How much?
- 750 dollars.
- Okay.

A few days later, child’s father suggests they play football.
- I can’t, I sold the ball and sneakers.
- How much?
- For 1000 bucks.
- But that's a lot more than they cost! This is a sin, you must go to the rabbi and talk about it.

In the synagogue, Izzy went to the rabbi, closed the door and said:
- It's dark here.
- Izzy, don’t even start!

Retired Moderator
<a href="/hu/translator/aldefina" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1152070">Aldefina </a>
Csatlakozott: 16.01.2013

Another joke somehow connected with the previous one I submitted - a talk between a man and his wife:

- When I was young I lived in a rented flat. I had nothing, but every time I went to bed there was a beautiful 20 years old girl lying with me. Now I’m old. I have everything - a big residence, a private jet, ten luxury cars and a lot of money, but when I go to bed I see an old fat woman lying with me.

- No problem, just find an attractive 20 years old girl and I’ll take care that you again won’t have anything.

Master
<a href="/hu/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Csatlakozott: 19.07.2018

Just yesterday I saw the movie Some Kind of Beautiful. Here is a quote in support of your joke:
Gordon : Good God, man. You've fallen for that little slice of American pie.
Richard : Dad...
Gordon : Now you listen to me. This might be the most important bit of advice that I ever give you. American women may be fun and Victoria Secret when you first meet them, but as soon as they get their claws into you, they stop fucking and start eating, and the only ass you gonna get is a fat one.

Super Member
<a href="/hu/translator/lunky" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1442798">Lunky </a>
Csatlakozott: 03.01.2020

In Siberia, a local logging company buys a new chainsaw from the US. So they get the user manual translated, which says they can log at least 12 cubic metres of wood each day.
The foreman gives the chainsaw to their most efficient worker:
- Listen, Ivan, now you can show these filthy yankees what you're capable of!
So Ivan goes into the forest and he's cutting down the trees all day long with the brand new chainsaw. At night, they check his performance, only to find it's 8 cubic metres of wood. The other day, Ivan gives his all and drinks a whole bottle of vodka. Again, he keeps cutting down the trees nonstop but the result is only 10 cubic metres.
The foreman is enraged that the americans scammed them and writes a complaint letter to the company.
The manufacturer sends their best technician to solve the problem. When he arrives, they hand him over the chainsaw so he can try it out.
The technician starts the chainsaw, to which Ivan responds in shock:
- What's that noise?

Editor Soldier of Love
<a href="/hu/translator/flopsi" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1331196">Flopsi <div class="editor_icon" title="Editor" ></div></a>
Csatlakozott: 12.03.2017

In the year 2035: A daughter tells her father: „Dad, my big sis Paris got such a nice name…“
Her father answers: „That’s only because your mother got pregnant when we were in Paris. But come on, you’ve got a pretty name too, don’t you think so Quarantine?”

Master
<a href="/hu/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Csatlakozott: 19.07.2018

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.

- So it's a wrong number? Sorry
- No sir, Google bought it.

- OK. Take my order please
- Well sir, you want the usual?

- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with three cheeses, sausage, thick crust.

- OK! This is it ...
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?

- What? I hate vegetables.
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

- How do you know?
- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza! And I already take medicine ...
-Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.

- I bought more from another drugstore.
- It's not showing on your credit card statement

- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement

- I have have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from the undeclared income source.

-WHAT THE HELL?
- I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.

- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me

- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago

Expert
<a href="/hu/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1387945">Jadis </a>
Csatlakozott: 01.07.2018

Кошмар...

Retired Moderator
<a href="/hu/translator/aldefina" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1152070">Aldefina </a>
Csatlakozott: 16.01.2013

Just reality. :D

Retired Moderator
<a href="/hu/translator/aldefina" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1152070">Aldefina </a>
Csatlakozott: 16.01.2013

The thing is it's not only Google, FB, WhatsUp, just to mention the best known, but many more. Some time ago I installed on my smartphone Yanosik - a Polish navigation program, which for many reasons is trusted as the best navigation for Poland. One of the options was to give a date when insurance cover ends, to remind me not to forget to renew the cover. I gave only the date, no more information what so ever. Two weeks before the end of the cover I got an information from them. Fine, but with my registration numbers. I have two cars, so how did they get which one was meant? Address from the navigation + date when the cover expires + access to the insurance data base. Easy, isn't it? Even using an account with a fake name didn't help me. That's why I hate to use smartphones. I do it only from time to time when I accept being spied, 'cause I have no other choice.

Super Member
<a href="/hu/translator/lunky" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1442798">Lunky </a>
Csatlakozott: 03.01.2020
Aldefina wrote:

I do it only from time to time when I accept being spied, 'cause I have no other choice.

You see, that's the thing. It's both scary and outrageous when you think about it. I mean, how could we let this happen? We got to the point where these aforementioned platforms (at least some of them) can't even be avoided (like using FB for school etc.), or if you do, you just shoot yourself in the foot. Don't get me wrong, I like new ways to improve our lives and all... but I believe this is getting out of hand.

Retired Moderator
<a href="/hu/translator/aldefina" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1152070">Aldefina </a>
Csatlakozott: 16.01.2013

That's already the fact that we are spied every possible way. If you're using a computer you can control it, even if only partially, but there is nothing worse in this respect than Android. The only way would be to turn off the navigation and data transfer, but then you don't need a smartphone.

I'm especially irritated by Zuckerberg. The idea of creating a spying tool called FB made him one of the richest men on this planet. Yes, personal information is the most valuable thing in the world now.

Super Member
<a href="/hu/translator/lunky" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1442798">Lunky </a>
Csatlakozott: 03.01.2020
Aldefina wrote:

I'm especially irritated by Zuckerberg.

But, but... he did nothing wrong. :D I'm just gonna leave this here for the laughs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aHQ1yQPwRo

Master
<a href="/hu/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Csatlakozott: 19.07.2018

To lighten up the mood,
Two girlfriends got together.
One says: yesterday, I took the test for pregnancy.
The other one asks: were the questions difficult?

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