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К Смерти

Ты все равно придешь. Зачем же не теперь?
Я жду тебя. Мне очень трудно.
Я потушила свет и отворила дверь
Тебе, такой простой и чудной.
Прими для этого какой угодно вид,
Ворвись отравленным снарядом
Иль с гирькой подкрадись, как опытный бандит,
Иль отрави тифозным чадом,
Иль сказочкой, придуманной тобой
И всем до тошноты знакомой, -
Чтоб я увидела верх шапки голубой
И бледного от страха управдома.
Мне все равно теперь. Струится Енисей,
Звезда полярная сияет.
И синий блеск возлюбленных очей
Последний ужас затмевает.
 
Fordítás

To Death

You, all the same, must come some day. Why not
Right now? I wait - it's hard to do.
I quenched the light and left the door unshut,
Simple and wonderous one, for you.
For this, take any manner that you will,
Burst in, a poisonous grenade,
Come with a weight, a bandit of much skill,
Use fumes of typhus as your aid
Or with a tale you made up, even that
Which pattered, sickens us to hear,
That I may see the top of a blue hat,
And the concierge turned white with fear.
All the same now to me, the Yenisey
Flows by, the Pole Star lights the skies.
And the last horror's darkness takes away
The blue spark of beloved eyes.
 
Hozzászólások
Kevin RainbowKevin Rainbow
   Szombat, 30/10/2021 - 01:49

Hi Schnurrbrat,

1) I agree there should be a comma after "unshut". I'm not sure I agree that the referent (the "you"/Death) of "simple and wonderous one" is unclear or likely to be misinterpreted. A misunderstanding is possible, but it doesn't seem likely for most readers.

2) Sure. "Use" indeed seems more accurate.

3) Double "that' isn't that uncommon in English. It is that (as a demonstrative pronoun) followed by that (a relative pronoun). Here is an example from Shakespeare's Twelfth Night:

"'Od's lifelings, here he is! You broke my head for
nothing; and that that I did, I was set on to do't
by Sir Toby."

I may change it to "which".

4) Keep in mind that initial trochaic inversion is very traditional and common in English iambic meter. The poetic beats here are "ALL the same NOW" (although "ALL the SAME NOW" is perhaps more likely). Likewise in "SIMPle and WOND-" You'll find examples of this in almost ALL iambic verse in English. The target language is English so it is the conventions of English iambic meter that I am prioritizing.

5) Good point. It should be capitalized.

Your point about the difference in the metrical count is valid. Although these lines are still iambic pentameter aren't they (shorter than the other odd-numbered lines)?

"Иль сказочкой, придуманной тобой"

"И синий блеск возлюбленных очей"

I am less clumsy at scanning/interpreting Russian meter now, so I can recognize what you are talking about. I will change the tag "e" to "m".

Thanks for taking the time to look at my translation and share your thoughts.

IgeethecatIgeethecat    Szombat, 30/10/2021 - 02:56

Чтоб я увидела верх шапки голубой -- а это не про голубые фуражки НКВДешников?