Reklám

Романс Рощина (Romans Roschina) (Angol translation)

Proofreading requested

Романс Рощина

Почему ж ты мне не встретилась,
Юная, нежная,
В те года мои далёкие,
В те года вешние?
Голова стала белою,
Что с ней я поделаю?
Почему же ты мне встретилась
Лишь сейчас?
 
Я забыл в кругу ровесников,
Сколько лет пройдено.
Ты об этом мне напомнила,
Юная, стройная.
Об одном только думаю,-
Мне жаль ту весну мою,
Что прошла, неповторимая, без тебя.
 
Как боится седина моя
Твоего локона,
Ты ещё моложе кажешься,
Если я около.
Видно, нам встреч не праздновать,
У нас судьбы разные.
Ты любовь моя последняя.
Боль моя.
 
Kűldve: SaintMarkSaintMark Szombat, 19/11/2016 - 06:36
Submitter's comments:

композитор - Никита Богословский
стихи - Николай Доризо

Angol translationAngol (equirhythmic, rhyming)
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Roshchin's Romance

Versions: #1#2
Why did you and I not meet somehow,
Sweet and young, gentle one,
In those years of mine so long ago
In the spring of my years
Now my head has turned all to grey
What more is there left to say?
Why then have we only met somehow
Only now?
 
I forgot among my older friends
How the years passed away
You reminded me of what had gone
Sweet and young, ardent one
I can think only of one thing
And sad that my only spring
Passed away, and unrepeatably, without you.
 
How my white hairs are afraid before

Beautiful locks of yours
,
You seem younger to me all the more

Just as I am nearby
.
No, for us there's no rendezvous
.
We have two divided fates.

You my final love must still remain.

And my pain.
 
Köszönet
thanked 3 times
Kűldve: shinedshined Hétfő, 17/05/2021 - 19:47
Last edited by shinedshined on Hétfő, 24/05/2021 - 15:17
Szerző észrevételei:

Difficult to translate both the odd rhyme scheme and the odd rhythm (Often 3 troches and a dactyl but not always)

The author of translation requested proofreading.
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Translations of "Романс Рощина ..."
Angol Guest
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Angol E,Rshined
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BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Hétfő, 17/05/2021 - 20:22

I think it’s hardly my place to give you advice, so please just think it suggestions:
Why did you and I not meet somehow, — why haven’t you and I met before now
Fresh and young, tender one, — [sounds like a chicken dish. Sorry. Truly.] You, young and tender one
Passed by unrepeatably without you. — passed without you, not to return
Why then have we met somehow Only now? — Why then have we met only Just now?

You know, [@layman] may be the best to help out as meter and rhyme elude me
Or [@brat] if he catches the call...

shinedshined    Hétfő, 17/05/2021 - 22:04

Yes, I grant the interpretation is a little loose. But for an over-the-top romantic song like this you need the meter and you need the rhymes. You need to be able to sing it to the tune. So something has to give. "Why haven't you and I met before now" (and its refrain at the end) is /uu /uu /u u/ (two dactyls, a troche and an iamb). But "Почему ж ты мне не встретилась" is /u /u /u /uu (three troches and a dactyl). I think you are right about the chicken. Need a two-syllable word for "tender" and I can probably get away with "Fresh and young." I thought "unrepeatably" was pretty good: it occurs at the same place in the line as неповторимая, scans identically, and means the same thing. The length of неповторимая makes it (and unrepeatedly) the longest word in the song by far, and it has a yearning quality.

BratBrat    Kedd, 18/05/2021 - 04:19
BlackSea4ever написал(а):

Fresh and young, tender one, — [sounds like a chicken dish. Sorry. Truly.]

Почему ж ты мне не встретилась,
Юная, нежная? -
Коммунизм был без макдональдсов
В тот застой Брежнева:
Были все куры синие, -
Теперь кудри в инее,
И уж зубы не столь острые
У меня....

Teeth smile

Btw, Dan, you have a couple of hardly singable lines:
1. In the springtime of my years - 1 extra syllable
2. What is there left to say? - 1 lacking one, though there's no problem stretching 'there' over 2 notes.
3. Passed by unrepeatably without you. - 2 syllables lacking
4. Whenever I am nearby - 1 extra one, this line is the toughest one...

shinedshined    Kedd, 18/05/2021 - 14:31

Я был в «Ленинграде», когда Брежнев был президентом. Никаких макдональдсов, а большая ложка икры на хлебе с тележки за копейки. И морозеное было чудесным!

You are spot on about the syllables. How about:
1. In the spring of my years.
2. What more is there left to say
3. Passed away, and unrepeatedly, without you
4. Just as I am nearby

BratBrat    Kedd, 18/05/2021 - 15:24
shined написал(а):

Я был в «Ленинграде», когда Брежнев был президентом. Никаких макдональдсов, а большая ложка икры на хлебе с тележки за копейки. И морозеное было чудесным!

You are spot on about the syllables. How about:
1. In the spring of my years.
2. What more is there left to say
3. Passed away, and unrepeatedly, without you
4. Just as I am nearby

Pretty good save that Brezhnev wasn't a president, however...
And I wonder where that caviar is now... Maybe Yeltsin ate it all up to the last grain...

IremiaIremia    Hétfő, 17/05/2021 - 21:49

Welcome back, Dan!

IremiaIremia    Hétfő, 17/05/2021 - 21:51

Sweet and young, gentle one.

shinedshined    Hétfő, 17/05/2021 - 22:44

Can you help with последняя? The line should say "you are my last love" and it should say ONLY that. This "still remain" is terrible. But there is no four-syllable English word for "last."

IremiaIremia    Hétfő, 17/05/2021 - 23:05

You’re my last love, and it will remain
So will my pain.

shinedshined    Kedd, 18/05/2021 - 00:38

Nice idea but still stuck with the remain/pain. D

Dr_IgorDr_Igor    Kedd, 18/05/2021 - 00:57

And you are this hurt, this love of mine
The last one.

shinedshined    Kedd, 18/05/2021 - 14:38

Has the flavor but it is too far from the original. The боль not the последняя is the tag line.

Dr_IgorDr_Igor    Kedd, 18/05/2021 - 14:52

The original is just an excuse. You want something that would stand on its own. Otherwise, what's the point ...

shinedshined    Hétfő, 17/05/2021 - 22:04

PERFECT!!

IremiaIremia    Kedd, 18/05/2021 - 01:22

You’re the last love that I’ll ever find.
Anguish mine

shinedshined    Kedd, 18/05/2021 - 14:40

Now that is a fine idea. Scans perfectly. But "Anguish mine" is not quite English.

IremiaIremia    Kedd, 18/05/2021 - 15:20

😉 Could be “pain of mine”

LaymanLayman    Kedd, 18/05/2021 - 06:06

You're my last beloved, my only love,
Pain of mine.

BratBrat    Kedd, 18/05/2021 - 09:36

You're my love that's proven terminal,
You're my sore...

Teeth smile

Давайте ещё варианты накидывайте.
Подсказка: две последние строки не обязательно должны рифмоваться.
Т-щ Лейман это, похоже, просёк...

Treugol'nyTreugol'ny    Kedd, 18/05/2021 - 23:11

We will not celebrate our dates,
And ours, so different fates

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