I believe this translation could use some touching up. Let me go through it basically line by line to give my comments.
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---- 1: «When I woke up from the repeating dreams, / I noticed my heart is / throbbing faster.» ----
The first thing I notice is that "kizuku" is present, while you translated it with the past "noticed": why? Shouldn't «Mune no douki ga hayai koto ni kizuku» mean «I notice my heart is throbbing faster»?
Also, if you use the past "noticed", then "is" is ungrammatical and must be "was", whereas if it should indeed be "notice", then it also should be "wake up": either all present, or all past.
Why "faster"? I'd say just "fast", you're not comparing it to anything, are you?
The line division doesn't really match the original, which has a somewhat weird line division anyway. To match it better, you should put the last two lines together, and split the first one, probably between "up" and "for". I know this produces two lines that don't match their sided originals because English forces you to swap them, but there's not much you can do. If the two lines were together, it would be better.
I wouldn't use "the" (the dream(s) has/ve not been mentioned before), or the plural. I'd go with either "a repeating dream", or maybe "my repeating dream".
Btw, here we have a conflict between translations: the text, to me, looks like «In a repeating dream, / When I try to open my eyes» (or try to wake up), and the other English translation does that, but both you and the Thai translation (พอลืมตาตื่นจากฝันอันซ้ำซากนั่นขึ้นมา, Google translation "When I woke up from that repetitive dream" - but Thai verbs don't inflect so the past tense is just random Google) do otherwise. So does "Yume ni me ga sameru" mean "Wake up from a dream" or "Wake up in a dream"? Google translates it as "wake up to a dream", but that doesn't make much sense. Can we say "Ongaku ni me ga sameru" = "Wake up to music", i.e. you wake up as music is playing? Or "Sairen ni me ga sameru" = "Wake up to a siren", i.e. a siren is going off as you wake up?
---- 2: «There is always me losing steps / from the right track.» ----
"There is me" doesn't sound very natural. You'd usually say "I am here/there". Maybe you could switch things around here and go with «Always losing steps from the right track, / I am here», which also matches the original better in terms of word order?
"losing steps" also doesn't sound right. I could potentially see "missing steps", but I think what we're going for here is "wasting steps", or "wasting time and effort". I'd also change "from" to "off", so "wasting steps off the right track", meaning walking on a wrong track and wasting time and effort.
"Fumihazusu" means something like "step off, walk away from / out of", while "hakusen"… "white line"? Why is "the right track" referred to as "the white line"?
Always running as I step off the right track,
I am here.
---- 3: «I'm not sure why but without any reason I feel like to cry my heart out.» ----
Why not just directly ask «Why?», as happens in the Japanese?
"feel like" doesn't take "to". It's either "I feel like crying my heart out", or "I want/wish to cry my heart out".
---- 4: «Like an infant, like I am a little girl again, / I was always waiting for a warm hand / to gently stroke my hair.» --
I feel like "I have always been waiting" is more appropriate here.
I see no reason for «Like an infant», especially since I feel this is not referring to infancy, which is very very young, like, before you learn to speak. I'd leave l. 1 as just «As if I were a little girl again». "were" here is a subjunctive, used to show that, in fact, you are not a little girl again, and you couldn't be.
--- 5: «You are the only one who could make me a gentle person. / I love you, I love you so much.» ---
I'd go with "can" rather than "could", but I guess "could" is fine too.
---- 6: «How much I devote my passion, / there are people who can not understand each other.» ----
That indirect question dangling on its own is definitely incorrect. Pretty sure you want a "no matter" at the beginning, or «However much».
And here's another interpretation question. So, if I just write どんなに情熱傾けても分かり合えない, it's definitely «No matter how much devotes 's passion, cannot understand each other», where those who cannot understand each other are the same who devote passion. Why is it that, in the song, you give "devote passion" a different subject than "cannot understand each other"? Couldn't the two lines together mean «There are also people who, no matter how much passion they devote [to each other], cannot understand each other»? The other translations only confuse me further: «No matter how our passion tilts / There are people who cannot mutually understand each other», where "our passion tilts" I cannot really understand, and the Thai ถึงฉันจะทุ่มเทให้เธอขนาดไหน / แต่ก็มีคนไม่เข้าใจฉันอยู่ดี (Google «No matter how much I devote to you / But there are people who don't understand me anyway.», where "wakariaenai" suddenly isn't reciprocal, which I'm pretty sure is wrong. Why would the singer be devoting passion to (or be passionate about) making sure everyone understands each other? Wouldn't «There are people who cannot understand each other no matter how hard they try» make more sense?
---- 6: «On such an occasion, it clouds my heart.» ----
It is unclear to me what "it" refers to. Maybe you should go with «my heart becomes cloudy/clouded/overcast».
---- 7: «Love doesn't tickle away a regular rhythm.» ----
"tickle" is definitely not the word you want here. "kizamu" seems to mean "carve out", so «Love doesn't carve out a regular rhythm», or maybe «Love doesn't follow a regular rhythm».
---- 8: «I fell asleep again on the comfortable sofa.» ----
Once again, which sofa? Maybe "my confortable sofa", or "a comfortable sofa".
---- 9: «Like an old days, like I am a little girl again, / I was always waiting for a warm hand / to gently stroke my hair.» ----
"an old days" is definitely ungrammatical. Maybe you meant "in old days", but that still requires an article: «Like/As in the old days». For the rest, please refer to part 4 above.
---- 10: «You are the only one who could wrap me gently» ----
Aside from the remark of part 5, "wrap" sounds funny. I mean, I know that's what tsutsumikomu literally means, but here it clearly means to hug/embrace, and that's the verb you should use in your translation.
---- 11: «I love you, I love you so much. / You are the only one who could wrap me gently / I love you so much, with my scarlet heart.» ----
OK, again cfr. part 5.
---- 12: «Lovin' you, so much.» ----
"Anata to" does not mean "so much", it means "with you".
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Those are my two cents.
video:
https://www.bilibili.com/video/BV1px41127uY/