Очите на мама
The Eyes of Mamma [Singable]
Grazie! ❤ | ||
thanked 3 times |
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This is a singable (rhythmically equal) translation. As a result the translation is not quite literal, although as close to the original as possible.
1. | Mother |
1. | Очите на мама (Ochite na mama) |
2. | Вълшебен ден (Valsheben den) |
3. | Magical Day (English version) |
OK, I won't do anything until he has his say. But I will try to answer some of your questions and concerns. By the way, my first English translation is more adequate and give some insight on the meaning behind the Bulgarian original.
I don't like "bared" myself, this line in the original means "you laid it (the world) open for me", but it having only 5 syllables doesn't leave much room for the maneuver. The only alternative I can come up with is "spread", but it is still rather fishy.
"when I was being born" has an alternative: "when you gave birth to me", but then it conflicts with the previous line also ending with "me".
"you gifted me easy flight" -- what about "you have shown me how to soar"? Still, the original means "you gave me (an ability) to fly (toward tomorrow days)" in the "you showed me the way" way, not in the "you can fly, thus fly". :)
"No end, no end of dreams" -- that one is tricky. "I was having uncountable dreams (hopes) in the sacred moment when you gave birth to me", but it all is a supplement for the following "I remember your voice..."
"whispering me gently" -- the original is saying "I remember your voice which whispered to me gently". I'll think on it.
"this new world that is faithful, faithful and sincere" -- nope it is all about the world that is "full of faith/trust and love". "Вяра" can mean either "faith" and "trust".
"heartfelt “Thank you very much!”" -- The meter here is "+-±-±-+", thus an article can't be first. If only "my devout “Thank you so much!”"
And the pattern of the verse with "the bloody third line" is:
-+--+--+
-+--+--+
-+--+--+--+-
For just everything that you are,
for courage and terror you feel,
for gift of your love is the song I am singing
What d'ya think? :)
Tricky cove these rhyming/rhythmic translations! You're a braver man than me :)
I agree about bared/born but see your dilemma - maybe
"You laid it bare for me"
and "when I was newly born" - that makes it the moments just after birth , rather than during the actual act! :)
You showed/taught me how to soar/fly - these all sound good to me
Yes, "whispering me gently" doesn't quite work, you can have "whispering to me gently" or just "whispering gently" but the object "me" really requires a preposition
For just everything that you are,
for courage and terror you feel,
for gift of your love is the song I am singing
I'd lose the 'just' and add a 'the' after both "for"s - if the meter will take it!
I think I'd need to read it again when you've had a fiddle and see if anything sounds odd.
Well ok then... :)
First verse -
You have let me in ... as soon as - doesn't work. Needs to be "You let me in"
How do you feel about "You let me enter in...as soon as I was born" or maybe "You welcomed me in..."
By gentle hands of yours - With your gentle hands
Like two wings of angel - Like two angel's wings/Like two angelic wings
towards tomorrow days...ok-ish but maybe "towards a new tomorrow"?
Verse 2 -
The moment has - I don't really understand this - Is it " the moment when...I was born by you"
That works but the 'has' has no place. Also "Born by" is generally understand to mean "Carried". Perhaps "born from" - it's also a little unusual but at least the meaning is clear.
Saying me in whisper - still need that preposition whether saying or whispering "saying TO me..."
Verse 3 -
Pretty much works. It's a bit fragmented but I guess that's ok in poetic writing. It took me a few reads through to understand though. Similarly for 4.
Hope that helps and isn't too nit-picky :)
I have updated first two verses once more. I hope there is nothing massively wrong now. Sorry, I won't answer individually -- too much to write as the revamp was almost total. ;)
Still, it as a fun experience to try to bend English into Slavic sentence structure while balancing the rhythm. Although I won't even try to make it rhyme -- I'm not on a suicide mission. :D
The song is touching, thus the effort. But enough is enough, thus no rhyming. Or how we would say "надо и меру знать". :D
It's getting there! :)
I still don't like "You did let me in" we don't really use "did" unless replying emphatically - "I didn't let you in..." - "Yes, I *did* let you in!"
I guess you need 5 beats though. How about "Yes you let me in" - the "yes" serves no real purpose, just emphasises what follows.
"I had at time" - needs "the time" - does that upset the rhythm too much?
How about "I had back then"?
I won't pick over the rest too much :)
For the first one I came up with: "and you let me in" or "and you guided me / inside as I was born." Which one is better? :)
For the second one: is "I had a lot of hopes / the sacred time / when you gave birth to me," too bad?
I like your "I has back then" but "then when" doesn't sit well with me if only because of esthetics.
Hey, it's fun, maybe a masochistic one, but still fun. :D
I think I'd use "and you let me in" - "you guided me inside" sounds uncomfortably sexual!
Second is good but might I suggest "I had so many hopes...." that sounds much nicer
I quite like "I had back then / when you gave birth to me" it actually sounds very natural to my ear. But you must find what satisfies your ear too. :)
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Музика и аранжимент: Румен Бояджиев-син
Текст: Даниела Кузманова