Chinese -> English Translation proofreading

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<a href="/it/translator/bowserinator" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1500203">Bowserinator</a>
Iscritto dal: 10.05.2021
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Hi, I recently translated two songs I really liked
https://lyricstranslate.com/en/ru%C3%B2-d%C4%81ng-l%C3%A1i-sh%C3%AC-if-i...
https://lyricstranslate.com/en/j%C3%AD-xi%C3%A1ng-hu%C3%A0-lucky-words.html

but there is a lot of poetic language and idioms in them, so I'm not sure they're 100% accurate, could a native speaker please check them over? Thank you.

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<a href="/it/translator/ogingero" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1352420">OgingerO</a>
Iscritto dal: 08.09.2017

Didn't read the whole thing, but the second song -

performances’ melody - better as: the melody of the performances. if you mean all the performances in one song - or, the melodies of the performances - if you mean all the different sounds of the performances.

all year9 round - I would move the footnote after "round"
I wish spring stays around - I wish (that or the) spring will stay around.

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<a href="/it/translator/bowserinator" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1500203">Bowserinator</a>
Iscritto dal: 10.05.2021

For the 1st note, it was kind of hard to translate, since it's actually ambiguous whether it's the melody of a performance, or just the melody of all the performances, so I tried to sidestep the issue by saying "performances' melody", (edit: I realize that my translation implies many performances now) If you have any ideas on how to keep that translation aspect of the ambiguous plurality, although I agree that it sounds unnatural.

For the second, the footnote refers to the word "year" in the sentence, not "year round", so I'm not sure if footnotes should be at the end (there's a whole thing in the song where they go "one of A", "two of B", "three of C", so for "year" they put "four seasons". Maybe "wet rains four seasons round" would work, sounds a little weird. If you have any good ideas XD

For the third one, spring is often personified so I think it's fine without "that", the ”will" sort of implies that it happens in the future, but in the context of the song it's already spring.

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<a href="/it/translator/ogingero" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1352420">OgingerO</a>
Iscritto dal: 08.09.2017

Ok "The performances’ melody travels out the red doors" if it's coming out multiple doors and there are multiple performances it would kind of imply they are different performances. Maybe: the melody of performances travels out the red doors? Or use a word that has less singular/plural meaning like - sounds, music, etc... it's a tricky one... I'm not sure if the original lyrics are plural or singular (regarding the doors and performances). But if they are both plural it would kind of imply they (the melodies) are plural - if they are both plural in the original but it's still ambiguous to you, you can always footnote it as melody/melodies - lyrics are unclear. The footnote refers to the word "year" in the sentence, not "year round" - ah.ok. 

Maybe "wet rains four seasons round" -

It's just the "round" implies it repeats - not a single year. But yearly in a cycle.

For the third one, spring is often personified so I think it's fine without "that", the ”will" sort of implies that it happens in the future, but in the context of the song it's already spring.

If it's personified, use it the way you would a name and IMHO (in my humble opinion), it still sounds a bit off. Like "wishing" is for the future, "hope is for now"..
I wish it will always be this way, I hope it stay this way (or I wish it would stay this way). It's just the way we say things. So I would either write: I hope spring stays around or I wish spring would...  (this is a weird tense thing in English, the kind of thing native speakers don't really think about).
I want to tell you I would have never guessed you were not a native speaker from your translation,  although def. not an American English native  (from your use of "in the street" instead of "on the street").. Unless something is literally IN the middle of the street (there's a cat in the middle of the street), we say "on the street". I didn't mention this initially because "spring IN the street"  in US English literally means "spring" is in middle of the street in US English but has other meanings in UK English ( https://grammarforexperts.com/in-the-street-vs-on-the-street-vs-at-the-s... ).
By the way four-way it should be hypenated (instead of four way)
Lastly, this line

 the chicken sings the sky is light

This has no connotations to me, If this has meaning in your culture I would footnote it. You did a great job with the footnotes!
By the way,
IF you don't get any additional help with your translations in the forums, you might want to join a language learning server on discord for people learning Chinese, you can get help with English while helping others learn your language (I do this on a language learning server with my Hebrew translations, I help people with their English at the same time) Regular smile
Good luck!

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<a href="/it/translator/ogingero" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1352420">OgingerO</a>
Iscritto dal: 08.09.2017

Ok for the other song:

For the soul's gallop in this lingering dream2 to be known across the world .

Soul's can't have a gallop, using an apostrophe here implies "gallop" is possessed by the soul.
"congelate" - no one will know what this is - this isn't used in modern parlance (speech). we use "congeal"

A hundred thousand4 years of worry

I would move the footnote to after "years"

Under the acacia tree5

in the footnote you have "donghua" - this won't be understood by non-Chinese speakers

In the east the new moon6 dangles, the sparse lonely stars

comma after east - east,
that's all I saw. Great job!

 

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<a href="/it/translator/bowserinator" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1500203">Bowserinator</a>
Iscritto dal: 10.05.2021

Ok, for the first one I'll just use "the melody of the performances", I guess you could interpret that as either a singular melody or a unified melody composed of many.

I always thought "round" meant like "around all the time", like "all year round" is "throughout the whole year", but I'll just use "and wet rains in all four seasons" then

Thanks for the "wish / hope" suggestion, I'll change it to "I hope spring stays around"

Is the "in the streets" note about "In a few streets, I wish spring stays around?" I never knew about the "in / on" the street thing, but I was thinking "in" because spring was permeating through the streets themselves, not just like a "parade on the streets", so I thought it'd fit better.

> By the way four-way it should be hypenated (instead of four way)

Whoops, nice catch

> the chicken sings the sky is light

Literally just the chicken singing at sunrise, I don't think there are any connotations other than the (I believe its the rooster, idk my chickens) usually makes noise at sunrise.

Thanks, I'll try to look into language learning discords, as you can tell by the many footnotes it was quite hard to translate.

Member
<a href="/it/translator/bowserinator" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1500203">Bowserinator</a>
Iscritto dal: 10.05.2021

> Soul's can't have a gallop, using an apostrophe here implies "gallop" is possessed by the soul.

But it is possessed by the soul (yeah that phrase was weird), the soul is galloping, but I think the original refers to the soul's action of galloping as a noun or verbal noun

> "congelate" - no one will know what this is - this isn't used in modern parlance (speech). we use "congeal"

I'm actually not sure about this one, I've really heard of "congeal". Google https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=coagulate%2Ccongeal&year_s... says they're about similar usage though, maybe there are regional differences but not any obvious ones from what I can find

> A hundred thousand4 years of worry
Fixed now Regular smile

> in the footnote you have "donghua" - this won't be understood by non-Chinese speakers
Ok, I'll add a note for that

> In the east the new moon6 dangles, the sparse lonely stars
Fixed

Thanks for your help Teeth smile

Also for future reference, is it better to literally translate idioms then explain them in a footnote, or the other way around?

Super Member
<a href="/it/translator/ogingero" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1352420">OgingerO</a>
Iscritto dal: 08.09.2017

Maybe you can write something like "the gallop of the soul"? That is one weird sentence... could you use another word instead of gallop? Running? Racing?

I've never ever heard congelate used before, coagulate and congeal are totally usable. Did you misspell coagulate or did I read it wrong?

In the street/on the street, I think both are ok here... I just wanted you to know they are used differently in different dialects of English, so if you saw it, you will not think you (or someone else) made a mistake).

As far as the idioms, I think it's better to translate them for meaning and put the literal translation ina footnote, but I think it's a personal decision). Am example would be a Hebrew phrase that translates too "dead on it", when the English meaning is: crazy for it. A lot of people aren't going to check the footnotes, so they're just going to think the lyrics are weird, make no sense or that it's a mistranslation.... Using the meaning elimates this - but for people learning the language - having the literal meaning is helpful as a footnote.

Super Member
<a href="/it/translator/ogingero" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1352420">OgingerO</a>
Iscritto dal: 08.09.2017

All year round sort of implies it's every year, all the time , a cycle, instead of just a whole year. I think four seasons is more comprehensible, you can always use: throughout the year, or something like this as well.

Yes only the rooster makes the sound, I would use rooster/s to be honest, chickens implies that it's random birds that are chickens, vs roosters (male chickens - they're the ones with the "waddling"on their necks and red feathers on theirs heads, you think rooster and one automatically imagines a rooster on a fence crowing in the morning, you think chickens you imagine them pecking at dirt on the ground... This might be because of the children's songs and stories we hear. If you are interested, look up "the farmer in the dell" song on YouTube, you can see what I mean).

Discord Chinese learning server or you can do a general language server like "cave of linguistics". 😊

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<a href="/it/translator/bowserinator" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1500203">Bowserinator</a>
Iscritto dal: 10.05.2021

Oh I didn't even notice I made a typo, I meant coagulate. I was wondering why you said it was uncommon XD

> Maybe you can write something like "the gallop of the soul"? That is one weird sentence... could you use another word instead of gallop? Running? Racing?

One of the meanings is like "fast running", (galloping), "the gallop of the soul" would probably work better. Honestly there are a lot of literary meanings so it might not even mean gallop, it could in this context mean "chase" or "yearn for", but I wanted to keep the speed connotation. Plus the other two meanings are both very literary and not common. (Translating is hard)

For the other one, I'll change chicken -> rooster.

Super Member
<a href="/it/translator/ogingero" class="userpopupinfo username" rel="user1352420">OgingerO</a>
Iscritto dal: 08.09.2017

Coagulate is definitely ok to use Regular smile