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C'est en mourant que l'on devient artiste

Une fois seulement j'ai pu voir mes rêves
Nulle petitesse je ne sentais en dessous des astres
Une fois j'ai eu des barreaux à mon berceau
Tel un prisonnier, j'écris une lettre de là-bas
Mon Créateur, permets ma venue chez Toi de faire de moi ce que mon enfant imagine
En Toi se trouve la beauté de ce monde
Par laquelle je suis devenu artiste en mourant
Mon Créateur, permets ma venue chez Toi de faire de moi ce que mon enfant imagine
Je me suis créé un ciel ici
Permets-moi de m'en aller
 
Testi originali

Kuolema tekee taiteilijan

Clicca per vedere il testo originale (Finlandese)

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Commenti
maëlstrommaëlstrom    Gio, 18/11/2010 - 03:15

Hi gandymar, I've tried to correct your translation by also using the English version, here it is:
Une fois seulement j'ai pu voir mes idéaux
→ In the English trans. they wrote dream, so which one is it actually, dream or ideal?
Nulle petitesse en dessous les astres m'inspirait
→ Je ne sentis/ressentis nulle petitesse en-dessous des astres
Une fois j'ai eu des barreaux à mon berceau
dans mon berceau would imply the bars are not fixed
Tel un prisonnier, j'écris une lettre de là-bas
Tel is just more poetic. En means "of this", it doesn't convey the notion of origin.
Mon Créateur, que, chez toi, tu me laisses devenir tel que mon enfant me croit
→ This sentence is okay, maybe hard to say in French...
En toi se trouve / réside la beauté de ce monde
→ More poetic too.
Par laquelle je suis devenu artiste en mourant
→ This doesn't sound perfect, but I realize you had to put it this way in order to fit with the title.
Mon Créateur, que, chez toi, tu me laisses devenir tel que mon enfant me croit
Je me suis créé mon propre ciel ici
j'ai créé = I created for someone else; je me suis créé = I created for myself (I hope this is what is meant in the song).
Laisse-moi m'en aller
→ Right :D

maëlstrommaëlstrom    Gio, 18/11/2010 - 05:02
gangymar wrote:

The word "haave" could be translated ranging from "rêve, idéal, souhait, désir, aspiration" or even "utopie" if you want to exagerate.

Then I go for rêve; French doesn't have a proper equivalent to haave, I'm afraid :(

gangymar wrote:

In the second line, I just wanted to see if I could somehow put the verb in the end. In order to do so, the direction of action would be reversed to make it sound better. But I failed

If you really want the verb to be in the end of the sentence, then you can put it this way:
Nulle petitesse en-dessous des astres je ne sentais
Or En-dessous des astres nulle petitesse je ne sentais
But it sounds somewhat scriptural or alike to Master Yoda's language, if you know what I mean lol It's okay when it comes to a poetic text ;)

gangymar wrote:

I would rework the line with "mon Créateur" by placing "chez toi" in the beginning so that would be easier to say. Am I right

I don't know, either way sounds unusual in French, but it's probably the only way to express it.

gangymar wrote:

Maybe the adjective "propre" becomes inecessary with the "se créer" which I find an excellent suggestion.

Very good point, I didn't realize propre became cumbersome after se créer. As a result, yes you should remove propre ;)

Good job, gandymar^^

maëlstrommaëlstrom    Ven, 19/11/2010 - 17:30
gandymar wrote:

The line with the "mon Créateur" is the hardest line in the whole text because of its structure, piece by piece :

- "Luojani," > "Mon Créateur", only the question about whether the creator is a special One or a generic one
- "luoksesi" > "chez toi" with meaning of approaching, "vers toi"
- "anna minun tulla" > "laisse moi venir"
- "siksi miksi" > "tel que" which modifies the meaning of the earlier verb > "devenir".
So, before this the meaning was "laisse moi venir chez toi" and after this "laisse moi devenir chez toi tel que..."
- And the rest: "(miksi) lapseni minua luulee" > "(que) mon enfant me croit"

I have to admit, this sentence gave me a hard time, but finally the best way to put it is:
Mon Créateur, laisse ma venue vers Toi faire de moi ce que mon enfant imagine
It'd be difficult for me to find a better option... I hope it meets your expectations.

AthenaOperaAthenaOpera    Mar, 23/11/2010 - 02:10

i like your title much better than i like mine... :-) but then again, i am neither native french, nor native finnish... i am just studying those languages.. i will keep my title nonetheless, for it wouldn't be polite to just copy it from you, it feels like cheating. i love the way you justified your choices by the way!

maëlstrommaëlstrom    Mar, 23/11/2010 - 21:47

Oh no, gandymar, if your explanation is true, then you're the only one to be congratulated, since the translation you've chosen for the title is absolutely perfect :)