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Не могу оторвать глаз от тебя (英語 訳)

  • アーティスト: Akvarium (Аквариум)
  • 曲名: Не могу оторвать глаз от тебя 3 回翻訳しました
  • 翻訳: ポーランド語, 英語 #1, #2
英語 訳英語
A A

I can't take my eyes off of you

バージョン: #1#2
I was born this morning
Before the very first light
The silence is outside me
The silence fills me inside
I bow to the dying stars
I bow to the light of the moon
But inside me is trying to surface
An inaudible to everyone else tune
 
I was born in the North
To better preserve myself
I don't have friends
Who could thwart me from aiming well
The sea parted in front of me
Yielding to the fire I brew
And inside me all sensors went off
At the day's earliest view
 
I couldn't take my eyes off of you [x6]
 
I was born with an erased memory
My home is somewhere far
I recall learning to walk
Without touching the floor
I left for the desert
Where every stone remembers your stride
But I couldn't miss out on meeting you
Just as I couldn't fail to see the sunrise 1
 
I can't take my eyes off of you [x12]
 
  • 1. I really really wanted to rhyme "step/sunset", but I was booed by the Russian crowd [smiley face]. But it greatly improves rhyming/consonance with the original.
© Schnurrbrat
Critique is always welcomed (proof-read or not, negative too).
土, 09/03/2019 - 04:36にSchnurrbratSchnurrbratさんによって投稿されました。
木, 05/12/2019 - 03:46にSchnurrbratSchnurrbratさんによって最終編集されました。
著者コメント:

After some consideration, I decided to leave the subject-verb inversion of the first verse (locative inversion).

Не могу оторвать глаз от тебя

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Pinchus ZelenogorskyPinchus Zelenogorsky    火, 02/04/2019 - 04:07

Великолепный перевод, очень воздушный! Интересно, как воспринимается носителями английского. Единственное спорное место - это стрелки часов. Зашкаливали ведь стрелки "биологических часов" внутри.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    火, 02/04/2019 - 04:16

true, but have to include "clocks" to prevent confusion with hands as part of the body
Edit: fixed. thanks for proofreading.

IgeethecatIgeethecat    火, 02/04/2019 - 05:01

Стрелки зашкаливают - idiomatic equivalents in English would be ‘being’ “off the charts”, “off the scales”, “through the roof”, etc.
Может, как-то можно использовать? А то с часами не совсем понятно Regular smile

Phil AmbroPhil Ambro    火, 02/04/2019 - 04:23

It's really good, but the title really should be "I can't take my eyes off of you" or "eyes off you".

vevvevvevvev    火, 02/04/2019 - 06:52

Good job!
"Can't take my eyes off you" -> "Couldn't take my eyes off you"
"Just as I could not fail to see the SUNSET" -> "Just as I could not fail to see the DAWN"
Dawn has a joyous shade, and sunset is sad. It is important.

IgeethecatIgeethecat    火, 02/04/2019 - 07:11

It’s very common to confuse sunset and sunrise. I’ve seen it more than once even from native English speakers Regular smile

And about “couldn’t “ - он же сейчас и реально не может оторвать Wink smile couldn’t не лезет по духу

vevvevvevvev    火, 02/04/2019 - 08:54

Тут дело не в духе, а в том, что БГ написал "не мог" и "рассвет".

sandringsandring    火, 02/04/2019 - 07:40

Hi, Uncommon.
There are two options I couldn't take my eyes off you and I can't take my eyes off you. In your translation, there's only one.

A bit of grammar for the correct meaning (made it rhyme for you)

Где каждый камень помнит твой след Where every stone remembers your stride
Но я не мог бы упустить тебя But I could have never missed out on you
Как я не мог бы не увидеть рассвет. Like I would have never missed out the sunrise.

sandringsandring    火, 02/04/2019 - 13:19

Я не мог оторвать глаз от тебя. I couldn't ....

Я не могу оторвать глаз I can't.....

Разное в разных местах

BratBrat    火, 02/04/2019 - 18:12

My home somewhere far -> My home country's to me out of bounds ('ground' in the matching string would rhyme even better)

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    火, 02/04/2019 - 18:43

Thanks, Brat.
You right, it will bring syllable count closer to the original, will improve rhyme and meaning of the ground/floor choice.
From my point of view "out of bounds" itself is not improvement meaning wise.
I probably just stubborn and I'm fighting to keep my own version. I like those two short lines, i decreased syllable count to 6 from 9 or 10 and i like the result. In general, i found that matching huge # of syllables in Russian original often clatters the English translation.
Cheers.

Pinchus ZelenogorskyPinchus Zelenogorsky    水, 03/04/2019 - 02:38

Это хорошая идея - уменьшать количество слогов при переводе RU->EN и увеличивать при движении в обратную сторону. Именно это позволило сделать английский перевод таким воздушным.
Иначе получаются вот такие монстры: https://lyricstranslate.com/en/gopniki-%D0%B3%D0%BE%D0%BF%D0%BD%D0%B8%D0...
Моя любимая строка:
Whose these so bedraggled with ground and shit the western cowboy boots are on the feet?

St. SolSt. Sol    火, 19/11/2019 - 01:31

"Се, стою у двери и стучу: если кто услышит голос Мой и отворит дверь, войду к нему, и буду вечерять с ним, и он со Мною." Откр. 3:20

Это - песня человека, (впервые) узревшего красоту Бога. Перевод должен отражать эти смыслы, imho:
Yielded to the fire I brew -> Yielded to Thy fire
Without touching the floor -> without touching the ground with my feet
I couldn't take my eyes off of you -> I couldn't take my eyes off of Thee
and so on...

Phil AmbroPhil Ambro    火, 19/11/2019 - 17:02

It seems like a beautiful poem. Is it about someone who died, and the singer is missing them? We have a saying, "It's better to have loved and lost (the one you loved) than to have never loved at all." That seems to be the idea here. Am I right?
Anyway, a few minor problems that I think you can easily correct and make it understandable to the English reader.

Silence is outside me > It's (quiet/silent) outside me

Silence I have inside > but (silent/quiet) inside. {Use "quiet" in one, and "silent" in the other. It works well in English poetry.}

But inside me is trying to surface > Deep inside me a song's trying to surface
An inaudible to everyone tune > yet to everyone else it's an inaudible tune.

I was born on the North > I was born IN the North

To longer preserve myself > ??? {Makes no sense, sorry. You have to fix this. I can't even give a suggestion, because I don't understand what you're trying to say here.}

I don't have friends who can sway me aiming well > {I don't understand what you're trying to say here, sorry.}

Yielded to the fire I brew > yielding to the heat from my brew.
{You can't "brew" a "fire", you "brew" liquids like coffee. "A brew" is a hot liquid.}

And inside all hands went off-scale > And inside me, {the world fell apart} ["the hands went off scale" means nothing in English.]

I was born with an erased memory > I was born without any memory.
{Although it's understandable, this sounds weird in English, because our understanding is that a baby's mind is empty. In the English view, you can't "erase" something that is not there. But, you can keep this line if you wish, but it does sound strange to the English mind.}

I left for the desert
where every stone remembers your stride > where every stone reminds me of your stride. {if it's your memory}
{or} > where every stone CAN remember your stride. {if the stones metaphorically have memory}
[What you wrote is OK, but I had to read it over and over again trying to figure out what you meant.]

But I could never missed out on you > {I don't understand what you mean}
> But, I could never stop missing you.
> But, I could never miss you, you're always with me.
> But, I don't regret missing you.
> But, I could never have missed you. {I doubt you mean to say this.}

Just as I wouldn't fail to see the sunrise.
> just as I wouldn't miss seeing the sunrise.

I don't mean to be nit-picking, but it's a beautiful poem, and you work so hard on these things. It should make sense.

Pinchus ZelenogorskyPinchus Zelenogorsky    水, 20/11/2019 - 10:50

>I was born with an erased memory > I was born without any memory.
Фил, я думаю, речь о памяти прошлых жизней, которая была стерта при рождении.

JadisJadis    火, 19/11/2019 - 17:14

Who's that Offoff ? Some Russian general, or something ?

St. SolSt. Sol    火, 19/11/2019 - 17:18

I couldn't take my eyes off of Thee
This is a song about first witnessing the beauty of God.

AlmitraAlmitra    火, 19/11/2019 - 17:46

> I could never missed out on you.
After verbs like 'could' one is supposed to use the base form of the verb, i.e. 'miss.' If you want to keep 'missed,' then you should probably change it to 'could never have missed' (although the Perfect form adds a slightly different shade of meaning).

Semantically, 'miss out on' means to miss an opportunity to do something or take part in something. E.g. You don't want to miss out on spending time with your kids. But if you fail to meet someone, it's closer to the verb 'miss'. E.g. How could I have missed you?
It's up to you, of course.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    木, 21/11/2019 - 07:57

Thank you guys for your attention. I hope you like the song, which is beautiful to my ears.
I hope you don't mind my summarizing comment to all of you.

[ @Jadis ]
Hi there, this "off of" was suggested by Phil btw, and after a month or two of hesitation/consideration I've accepted it.
There is actually a song in English with the exact same title as my translation, feat. "OFF OF" . And probably not a single one, but quite a few. It is a popular title for pop songs.
I'm not a grammarian, but "off" is a some kind of a particle which is a part of the verb there, while "of" is a preposition. Phil said (and I've agreed with him that the expression is "to take eyes off" but should be followed by a preposition; although it is indeed sounds funny.
You could find similar structures elsewhere (I had a bookmark somewhere, but it is most likely gone now since this translation was done a long time ago).
I remember there is a line with OFF OF in King Henry VI:
http://www.literaturepage.com/read/shakespeare-henry-vi-second-part-24.html

[ @Almitra ]
Thanks, I will have to change something. I wasn't confident with this "miss out on" thing when I've wrote it.
I will copy what I just wrote to Phil:
"to miss out on" - I think it should be corrected to "I could never miss out on letting you go". It seems one could "miss out on" something but not on someone.

:{

JadisJadis    水, 20/11/2019 - 07:33

Perhaps you will find "take my eyes off of you" sometimes, but anyway it seems at least unnecessary (and inharmonious), see here for example.
 
The example you give of Shakespeare 1/ reflects an earlier stage of English (you can find for example in Shakespeare "I cannot goe no further", while by now I guess it would rather be "I cannot go any further", 2/ isn't exactly the same as here : "a fall off of a tree" is a noun phrase, where "fall off" can be considered as a single noun, as if it were written "falloff", so it's less shocking, IMHO, to find a "of" behind.
 
That's why here I would wipe the "of"... off. Wink smile
 

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    水, 20/11/2019 - 07:35

Jadis, I spent some time researching this "off of". There is a grammarian www page somewhere discussing this structure, with examples (but I recall only one which I've posted already). I'm neither a native speaker nor a grammarian, but in my understanding, "off" is used there as a negative particle, like in "switch off" / "switch on" expression, "off/on" there are not prepositions, but rather a modification of the verb. And the "of" there is a normal preposition. You could easily google my title using quotation marks to find identically titled songs:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boBSiD1mHrw
If I would be able to find my bookmarks, I will PM them to you. Or maybe Phil or someone else could explain it better.
For now, I'm convinced that "to take my eyes off of you" is a legit structure in modern English.

AlmitraAlmitra    水, 20/11/2019 - 13:07

It is a legit structure. It is most common in informal speech where it takes the form of 'offa' and can follow other verbs: lay off of, get off of, stay off of, etc. The quite comprehensive Cambridge Grammar of the English Language by Huddleston and Pullum says that 'off' is a preposition that can also select 'of' as head of its complement, but it 'licenses an of phrase only in AmE (He fell off of the wall).'

Personally, I don't think we should be too rigid when it comes to rules. There's a big difference between an acceptable deviation and an ungrammatical structure. I hear native speakers use some people's favourite no-nos all the time. As long as we understand the semantic and stylistic implications of using certain words and structures, we're good. And I honestly believe that some people should learn to take a break from rulebook-thumping every now and then, to look at the bigger picture. Not everything is set in stone when it comes to a living language. I mean, I've seen a bilingual translator ask her non-native colleagues to stop teaching her how to speak English. Yep, sometimes rulebook-thumping is that bad.

sandringsandring    水, 20/11/2019 - 09:50

I don't see why "I can't take my eyes off you/I can't take my eyes off of you" should cause such controversy. Either is grammatically acceptable. The latter smells American though. Regular smile

JadisJadis    水, 20/11/2019 - 12:37

If either is acceptable, then shouldn't we preferably choose the less inharmonious one ? Especially if we can easily find examples for this solution.

Phil AmbroPhil Ambro    火, 03/12/2019 - 03:07

LOL It smells American. Love that. Regular smile
We often use double prepositions commonly.

I went on to become a pilot. Is just one of numerous examples.

I can't take my eyes off you. Sounds strange.
I can't take my eyes off of you. Sounds normal. I don't know why.
BUT! Perhaps it is an American thing. I don't know.

In America we say, "I'm going to get some exercise." I have heard people from England say "I'm going to take some exercise." So, yeah, maybe it is just a country difference.

But, in all honesty, it's just for euphony. "I can't take my eyes off of you" just sounds better than "I can't take my eyes off you"
I can't explain why.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    水, 20/11/2019 - 17:35

Guys, to sum up the "off of " thingy:
1. There "to take eyes off of" is legit, since it is used in number of the original titles.
2. It sounds "inharmonious", that's why it is often dropped in the lyrics of the above mentioned titles
3. I'm keeping it for now since I've convinced myself this is the way it's supposed to be from the grammatical point of view, but I will have to evaluate it one more time. I'm simply too busy now.

Further reading:
https://www.grammarphobia.com/blog/2009/12/is-off-of-so-awful.html
https://grammarist.com/usage/off-of/
https://itknowledgeexchange.techtarget.com/writing-for-business/off-vs-o...

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    木, 21/11/2019 - 08:06

Thanks [ @Phil Ambro ]
It seems like a beautiful poem. Is it about someone who died, and the singer is missing them?
=== I guess you need to answer this question yourself. One user thinks it is about a meeting with God. I don't share his opinion.

Anyway, a few minor problems that I think you can easily correct and make it understandable to the English reader.
Silence is outside me > It's (quiet/silent) outside me
Silence I have inside > but (silent/quiet) inside. {Use "quiet" in one, and "silent" in the other. It works well in English poetry.}
===I have changed the word order in the 2nd line to SVO, but I'm keeping "silence", since "silence" should be the subject.

But inside me is trying to surface An inaudible to everyone tune >
===This line has a fubar word order. It will be fixed, but not right away.

I was born in the North To longer preserve myself > ??? {Makes no sense, sorry. You have to fix this.}
I don't have friends who can sway me aiming well > {I don't understand what you're trying to say here, sorry.}
===IMHO "to longer preserve myself" is pretty much literal translation of the original. Is it completely understandable in Russian? I don't think so.
"to preserve" = to maintain (something) in its original or existing state.
He was born in the North (where it is probably colder, so he would stay preserved longer, at least that's how I understand his humor, his half-jokes)
===2nd line a literal translation would be "I don't have friends, so there is no one who could negatively affect my aiming through the sights".
I did my best to make this line short. You're the judge if it carries over the meaning and is understandable or not.

Yielded to the fire I brew > yielding to the heat from my brew.
{You can't "brew" a "fire", you "brew" liquids like coffee. "A brew" is a hot liquid.}
===IMHO, if we're talking about super-powers and their manifestations, especially in poetry, "brewing of fire" is o.k.

And inside all hands went off-scale > And inside me, {the world fell apart} ["the hands went off scale" means nothing in English.]
===that's one of two lines I've been struggling most. Some idioms were suggested, but they are not proper equivalents. I will think more.

I was born with an erased memory > {Although it's understandable, this sounds weird in English, ...}
=== This line is indeed understandable, grammatically correct and carries absolutely the same meaning as the original lyrics [which could be weird]

where every stone remembers your stride > where every stone reminds me of your stride. {if it's your memory}
{or} > where every stone CAN remember your stride. {if the stones metaphorically have memory}
[What you wrote is OK, but I had to read it over and over again trying to figure out what you meant.]
===stones do not "remind of" in the original, they "remember". I understand that your variant is fine, although it is a bit different from the original line.
I think that my version "where every stone remembers your stride" is grammatically correct and is closer to the original meaning than the one you've suggested. Expressions "every room/house/etc remembers you/your presence" are common.

But I could never missed out on you > {I don't understand what you mean}
Just as I wouldn't fail to see the sunrise.
===Thank you for your numerous suggestions there, but IMHO all your versions do not carry over the original meaning.
I was struggling most with those closing lines, which are following:
1) Но я не мог бы упустить тебя
2) Как я не мог бы не увидеть рассвет.
My literal translation would be:
1) "But I would never missed out on seeing/meeting you".
Imho Russian verb "упустить" should be translated there as "to miss out on", but it seems that this structure is possible only when you "miss out on something", and not "on someone".
2) "But it would be impossible for me not to see the sunrise" (It is a double negative line in the original).
I will think tomorrow on how to fix sense and meter of the closing lines.

Big thanks for your effort. Even if I'm fighting your suggestions off, it helps a lot!

Phil AmbroPhil Ambro    火, 03/12/2019 - 03:22

But inside me is trying to surface
An inaudible to everyone tune > "to everyone else an inaudible tune."

I was born in the North
To longer preserve myself > "to best preserve myself"
I don't have friends
Who could thwart me at aiming well > "thwart me FROM aiming well"

And inside all hands went off-scale > {You really need to find some English idiom for this. It makes no sense.}

My home is somewhere far > My home is somewhere far (out of reach)
I recall learning to walk
Without touching the floor > without touching the floor (beneath)

"far" does not rhyme with "floor"
"of reach" and "beneath" do rhyme. Just a suggestion.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    火, 03/12/2019 - 03:33

Thanks, Phil.
Yes, i need a better expression for this idiom; I don't have one at the moment. I will get back to this translation some time in the future.
I will do some changes you've suggested, but Im not ready for this rhyming change; I better remove this rhyming tag.
Best, S.

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    火, 03/12/2019 - 03:37

Off-scale, off-charts are completely understandable
My home somewhere far does not have to mean "out of reach"

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    火, 03/12/2019 - 03:46

I will side with Phil on that. Off-scale is fine, but not when it is coupled with "hands went off-scale". WWW shows it is just yours truly using this expression.
BTW, D, what is your impression of the song? It is on my playlist for few years now.

Phil AmbroPhil Ambro    水, 04/12/2019 - 17:25

LOL Believe me, he doesn't always side with me. Oh yeah, I just used that "reach" thing to try to make it rhyme.

Phil AmbroPhil Ambro    水, 04/12/2019 - 17:24

Black Sea, "off the chart" is that what this means?! OK then, yeah! Use that!!! Sounds great, but probably not with ("clock" or "human") hands.
An idea... "And my (emotions) went off the chart" ???

Phil AmbroPhil Ambro    水, 04/12/2019 - 17:58

OK, after thinking about this "off of you" thing for WAYYYYY too long, I think I know why it sounds weird.

If you say, "I can't take my eyes off you" it sounds like "I can't take my eyes off view"
That is why I think (at least we Americans) add the additional "of" to it, and say "I can't take my eyes off of you". Because of euphony. It just sounds better. That's my best explanation.

Examples:

"I can't see him, he's out of view."

{There's a horrible smell in the room, and you think someone farted, so you say to him...}
"Did that come out of you?"

{Pistol target practice}
"Keep your eyes on view." (In this case, because "on view" does NOT sound like "on you" there is no confusion}
{Same meaning as}
"Keep your eyes on the target."

However, in this specific case: "I can't keep my eyes off you" sounds exactly the same as "I can't keep my eyes off view." The meaning could be "I can't stop staring at (whatever I'm looking at)." To make clear that you are NOT saying that, and are saying "you", we add the additional "of" at the end. Because "I can't take my eyes off of you" is grammatically correct, but you would have to say "I can't take my eyes off of THE view" if you wanted to say the other variant.

I can only guess that Russian has similar things that you add here and there to clarify meanings when things sound similar but could have different meanings. Not knowing Russian well, I can only give the obvious euphonic changes I know of...

к - ко
с - со
тебя - тобой

You must understand that English is NOT spelled phonetically (as I'm sure you know), so we don't change the spelling of a word just because it doesn't sound the way it's spelled. But, sometimes, in speech when we say some things, we do add prepositions here and there to make the meanings more clear.

That is my best explanation of this. It's really NOT a grammar thing, but a matter of euphony - what sounds best for clarity.

Phil AmbroPhil Ambro    水, 04/12/2019 - 19:38

I absolutely adore Pink Floyd's music. It's very German. Or, is German music very Pink Floyd-ish? I don't know what came first - the chicken or the egg? Well, "inside out" isn't really a double preposition as much as it's the only way we have to say turning something so the inside shows outward. But, yeah... We have a LOT of double prepositions. AND because of English's Germanic roots, we have a lot of compound verbs using prepositions too (unlike Russian that exclusively uses prefixes, although we do too sometimes). English is a mess! LOL
Here's an example of the mess that is English grammar from a few lines in a song I wrote:

"...And you want me to walk far from here,
leave you there weeping your tears,
so you can pile the blame ONTO me,
and believe it's my fault as I leave.
But, love won't last if we don't hang on.
Days will pass but our love will be gone.
In the end you'll see that I'm right.
So hang ON TO me, at least one more night."

The difference between "ONTO" and "ON TO".

I never even noticed this. We just do it because it's our language. I only noticed it, when a German asked about it.
LOL.

I don't envy anyone trying to learn English. I hope you Russians have a little bit of empathy for me as I try to learn your dreadfully complicated language. :p

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    水, 04/12/2019 - 19:57

Believe it or not, I like Pink Floyd many times more than The Doors, and listen to them almost daily. My path on LT started from PF translations.
I did Learning to Fly, Nobody Home, Hey You and Goodbye Blue Sky. Then I've acquired the taste of metered-rhymed translations and I've found out that PF lyrics are tough to translate accordingly into Russian while preserving the original meter (and meaning). So I'm not doing them any more. But their lyrics (and music) are very appealing to me. But it is a general consensus for the last 50? years.
PS. onto/ on to - I've read a similar grammarian page on this few days ago, it's tricky, has something to do with physical movement of the subject. I will never remember this one right.

Michael DidenkoMichael Didenko    木, 05/12/2019 - 03:06

Dear Phil, the pronoun “тебя” does not change in “тобой” for euphony. These are two different grammatical cases (“тебя” is the form of the pronoun “ты” in the genitive and accusative cases, and “тобой” is the form of the pronoun “ты” in the instrumental case). However, the word “тобой” sometimes may take the form “тобою” for euphony.