Два Корабля (Dva karablya) (英語 の翻訳)

英語 の翻訳英語 (詩的な, rhyming, 歌いやすい)
A A

Two Ships

バージョン: #1#2
The captain of the ship is dead, he trails behind him his pink thread
That’s the only trace he leaves, he goes into the sea.
He was crushed and crucified, two ships standing side by side
And the waving of their hands is enough to go to sea.
But the captain is forgotten on the ships he led to war
In oblivion, forgetting both the channel and the shore
And the one thing in their brains is their patience, is their pain.
They don’t understand their freedom, and it tightens within them
It’s not clear what’s the best option, it's to sink or it's to swim
For the ship has lost her captain and the captain lost his ship
Still we need to find a purpose and life’s meaning reinvent
What the shit?
 
The captain of the ship is dead, dried up land is on the left
On the right a dark blue snake, and nothing lies ahead.
Dead men in their coffins lie, two ships standing side by side,
And the waving of their hands is enough to live, be free.
They forgot the “I” in ship on those ships that went to war
In oblivion, forgetting both the channel and the shore
And the one thing in their brains is their patience, is their pain.
They don’t understand their freedom, and it tightens within them
It’s not clear what’s the best option, it's to sink or it's to swim
For the ship has lost her captain and the captain lost his ship
Still we need to find a purpose and life’s meaning reinvent
What the shit?
 
ありがとう!
thanked 4 times
This is a poetic translation - deviations from the meaning of the original are present (extra words, extra or omitted information, substituted concepts).

Feel free to send suggestions!

月, 21/09/2020 - 01:58にTinyparrotTinyparrotさんによって投稿されました。
火, 29/09/2020 - 15:58にTinyparrotTinyparrotさんによって最終編集されました。
著者コメント:

I'm trying to make it singable, at least. I'm new here so any advice or criticism would be greatly appreciated Regular smile

Два Корабля (Dva karablya)

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"Два Корабля (Dva ..."の翻訳
英語 R,S,PTinyparrot
Два Корабля のコレクション
コメント
TinyparrotTinyparrot    月, 21/09/2020 - 02:28

Thanks! I wasn't familiar with the word, my dictionary translated it as "what the hell for" but "how to live" would also work with the rhyme scheme, that's pretty cool. I'm about to go to bed now but I might edit it in the morning Regular smile

Pinchus ZelenogorskyPinchus Zelenogorsky    月, 21/09/2020 - 02:41

"Фиг" is very polysemantic object
фига = fig
ни фига себе (фига себе) - выражение удивления, восхищения
фиг тебе - выражение несогласия
нафига - зачем?
дофига - очень много
пофигу - мне все равно
и т.д.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    月, 21/09/2020 - 02:46

Interesting translation, thanks. A good song choice too.
I like this line of yours: "They forgot the “I” in ship"

The captain of the ship is dead, on the left the land is dry
On the right a dark blue snake, and nothing lies ahead

Minor suggestions to improve rhyming / assonance:
it tightens within them > it tightens them within (next line ends with "swim")
The captain of the ship is dead, on the left the land is dry >> the captain is gone?, the land is dead (in the original it rhymes with "snake")
and nothing lies ahead >> and the path is blocked ahead (or something similar)
and life’s meaning reinvent = this line stands out during reading, I would suggest to think a tad more and to change it to something more close to the sound of "ship". Since it it the last one, this impression is magnified.

Good work anyway!

TinyparrotTinyparrot    月, 21/09/2020 - 13:44

Thanks! Yeah, it stuck out to me too, I'll see if I can think of something better

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