Hi Schnurrbrat,
1) I agree there should be a comma after "unshut". I'm not sure I agree that the referent (the "you"/Death) of "simple and wonderous one" is unclear or likely to be misinterpreted. A misunderstanding is possible, but it doesn't seem likely for most readers.
2) Sure. "Use" indeed seems more accurate.
3) Double "that' isn't that uncommon in English. It is that (as a demonstrative pronoun) followed by that (a relative pronoun). Here is an example from Shakespeare's Twelfth Night:
"'Od's lifelings, here he is! You broke my head for
nothing; and that that I did, I was set on to do't
by Sir Toby."
I may change it to "which".
4) Keep in mind that initial trochaic inversion is very traditional and common in English iambic meter. The poetic beats here are "ALL the same NOW" (although "ALL the SAME NOW" is perhaps more likely). Likewise in "SIMPle and WOND-" You'll find examples of this in almost ALL iambic verse in English. The target language is English so it is the conventions of English iambic meter that I am prioritizing.
5) Good point. It should be capitalized.
Your point about the difference in the metrical count is valid. Although these lines are still iambic pentameter aren't they (shorter than the other odd-numbered lines)?
"Иль сказочкой, придуманной тобой"
"И синий блеск возлюбленных очей"
I am less clumsy at scanning/interpreting Russian meter now, so I can recognize what you are talking about. I will change the tag "e" to "m".
Thanks for taking the time to look at my translation and share your thoughts.
"My road to success is always under construction" I appreciate all kinds of feedback, especially corrections, constructive criticism and suggestions for improvement.