Thanks to Azalia for reporting my mistakes!
Astro del Ciel
Astre du ciel
고마워요! ❤ | ||
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I like to challenge myself with difficult dares, and(shame on me!), I allow myself to publish this translation: rhymed, homorhythmic and singable (I hope it also makes sense) of this (ugly) text that the priest Angelo Mieli wrote in 1937 as an Italian version of Stille Nacht. I hope that someone who knows French well can tell me if my translation is somehow credible and what can I do in order to improve it without losing rymes and rythm. Thanks in advance!
1. | Jingle Bells |
2. | Carol Of The Bells |
3. | Stille Nacht |
- le fleur sacré > la fleur sacrée
- doux Agneaux > doux Agneau
- Éclaire donc nos pensées > C'est correct, mais j'aurais plutôt dit "Eclaire donc nos esprits"
- tu es venu pour purger notre erreur > ça ne sonne pas très bien. Peut-être "Tu es venu pour la rémission de nos fautes [ou : péchés]" ? (ceci correspond à peu près au vocabulaire liturgique ; mais je ne connais pas de verbe qui corresponde à "rémission", qui signifie "pardon"). "Tu es venu nous pardonner nos erreurs" ?
- tu es né pour nous apprendre à s’aimer > la formule correcte serait "pour nous apprendre à nous aimer", mais c'est long, comparé à l'original. Peut-être simplement "pour nous parler d'amour", ou "pour nous apprendre l'amour" ?
Coraggio, Anna! :)
Thanks to everyone for your right and useful suggestions! Actually, before I had written correctly "toi","la fleur"...and then I changed, I don't know why ("Agneaux" is a typing error).
I turned "esprit" to "penseés" for the ryme. For the same reason I correct "pour nous parler d'amour tu es né". I hope that the postposition of the predicate "tu es né" could be accepted.
And thanks also for your encouragements. I do need them! ;)
Hi Anna!
"pour nous parler d'amour tu es né" would sound OK, but
"tu es venu pour remettre nos pechés" is a little strange. First it should be "nos péchés", and then the verb "remettre", although it might have been used in that sense earlier, nowadays has another meaning "(= to put back, to put again). But one could say "pour pardonner nos péchés", or "pour effacer nos péchés"' (the last one perhaps better).
As to "agneaux", the rule is simple : we write "agneaux" when there are more than one "agneau". And the same for "chevaux" : we say "chevaux" when there are more than one "cheval". :)
Yes, "agneaux" was a typo, I know the rule: maybe is one of the few rules I know... ;)
Could I write something like "Tu es venu effacer nos pechés"? I try :)
For me the most important is the singability here. And also in Italian "rimettere" is used in liturgical and ancient speech, but nowadays it means "to put again", or "to vomit" too... :D
Astre du ciel > Étoile du ciel
I translated "astre" that is an existing word in French , that have the same meaning, and is a little desuete as the italian word "astro".
Good 👍👍👍
italian version of 'Holy night, silent night'