Ангелы военного времени | Angely voennogo vremeni (프랑스어 번역)

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Ангелы военного времени | Angely voennogo vremeni

Хранитель-ангел мой в потрепанной шинели
Привычно сложит крылья за спиной.
Проверь свою тетрадь, все сделать ли успели?
Опять окончен день – мы покидаем строй.
 
И каждый день война. День каждый как последний,
Когда никто не ждет, привычно грянет бой.
Хранитель-ангел мой, так выпьем за спасенье,
Дай боже всем нам сил, и я вернусь домой…
 
И ангелы кружат
В жару, да и в стужу
И перья как пепел ложатся на нас.
 
Мой ангел уставший,
Пожаром пропахший
Был ранен в сраженьи, но вновь меня спас…
 
투고자: LizzzardLizzzard, 金, 06/09/2019 - 19:00
투고자 코멘트:

безумно старый стих)
будто кто-то другой писал)

프랑스어 번역프랑스어
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Les anges en temps de guerre

Dans son trenchcoat râpé, mon ange gardien
replie machinalement ses ailes.
Il sort son calepin et vérifie qu'il n'a rien oublié.1
Encore une journée de passée. Fin du service.
 
Et tous les jours c'est la guerre. Chaque jour semble le dernier
C'est en général quand on s'y attend le moins que le combat reprend.
Allez, mon ange gardien, buvons au salut,
que Dieu nous prête main-forte et je m'en sortirai...
 
Et les anges tournoient
qu'il pleuve ou qu'il vente2,
et les plumes tombent du ciel3 comme des cendres.
 
Mon ange est épuisé,
il sent le roussi.
Il a été blessé, mais il m'a encore une fois sauvé la mise...
 
  • 1. le russe utilise l'impératif (sors ton calepin et vérifie"...), mais je préfère laisser le paragraphe au discours indirect
  • 2. sous la canicule ou dans le froid glacial
  • 3. sur nous
Do whatever you want with my translations.
They no more belong to me than the air I breathe.
투고자: silencedsilenced, 火, 17/09/2019 - 21:29
최종 수정: silencedsilenced, 日, 22/09/2019 - 13:47
작성자 코멘트:

[@lizzzard]
The initial surreal idea is quite good and you've already got the right touch of humour. With a bit of tuning this could become a great poem. I would love to see you try.

The author of translation requested proofreading.
It means that he/she will be happy to receive corrections, suggestions etc about the translation.
If you are proficient in both languages of the language pair, you are welcome to leave your comments.
코멘트
wisigothwisigoth    土, 21/09/2019 - 22:43
Vote has been deleted.

День каждый как последний has to be, "dernier", then.
Проверь свою тетрадь is imperative. You wrote: il sort..he opens..merci bcp

Alexander FreiAlexander Frei    日, 22/09/2019 - 09:43

Это довольно по-взрослому: человек занижает работу аж до 1 звезды, другому, конечно, не понравится и он мстит. Потом остальные взрослые вместо объективной оценки конфликта занимают исключительно одну сторону, а другую сторону всячески осуждают.

Ребёнок на эту ерунду плюнет, забудет и чем-нибудь займётся интересным. Надо бы у детей кой-чему поучиться взрослым

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    日, 22/09/2019 - 09:46

Alex, you know I love you, but it's unfair. While there are constructive remarks that were made here, the one-star entry that caused the payback is not a translation - it's a good poem NOT even distantly related to the source. And you and I know that both young and old need attention.

A.S.MA.S.M    日, 22/09/2019 - 09:46

А мне вот оценки безразличны. Ну ставят мне 5 звёздочек, ну приятно и что. Даже, если одну звезду поставят, я лишь скажу "Покорно вас благодарю"

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    日, 22/09/2019 - 09:53

Exactly, Sasha. Thanks and likes are pleasant, but not essential. Here, I thought, regardless of the person's age, it is immature to put a low-star rating because you were given one. And as a parent, I disagree that a child should not be told how to behave. That child could be 30 and still needs the rebuke if he misbehaves. Lol.

A.S.MA.S.M    日, 22/09/2019 - 09:56

мне вот больше интересны "Thanks', чем звёздочки.

silencedsilenced    日, 22/09/2019 - 02:00

I asked for proofreading, so all constructive remarks are welcome.

However, your revenge vote is not.
I suggest you remove it and ponder the difference between a translation and a rewrite.
This, for instance, is an insult to Jacques Brel.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    日, 22/09/2019 - 04:57
silenced wrote:

This, for instance, is an insult to Jacques Brel.

The problem is that a lot of Russian sub-forum's members do not care about the original meaning, especially if they are unfamiliar with the source language. As long as the rhymes are strong, you are allowed to write pretty much everything in your translation. It has long become stihi.ru instead of lyricstranslate.com.

silencedsilenced    日, 22/09/2019 - 05:59

The unquiet sail

A lonely white sail glides on the mist-covered sea.
It seeks new hope abroad and yet it didn't flee.
As the mast creaks and bends, it might as well be blind.
It thinks of happiness, that proved so hard to find.
It glides on the quiet waves as peaceful clouds drift past
Longing for the tempest that will bring peace at last.

Michael "silenced" Lermontov.

LizzzardLizzzard    土, 21/09/2019 - 22:28

I suffer from the fact that I do not speak French XD
Thank you so much, Silenced! Of course I use "translators" to read, but it seems to me that translation turned out pretty close)
I'm certainly not a specialist in details, but I really liked it)) ♥♥♥
And thank you for the kind comment!

JadisJadis    日, 22/09/2019 - 06:24

Il y a un "calepein" en note, c'est "calepin" (comme "lapin"). Wink smile
C'est "main-forte" aussi, je pense, plutôt que "main forte".
Pour "Tous les jours sont comme le dernier", j'aurais plutôt dit, comme en russe : chaque jour est comme le dernier.
Pour "sauvée", je n'ai pas vérifié, je suppose que l'auteur ou l'interprète est féminin ?
Sinon, texte pas mal...
 

silencedsilenced    日, 22/09/2019 - 07:00

Merci, c'est corrigé.
Oui a priori l'auteur est une fille Regular smile
Je ne vois pas trop comment éviter de préciser le genre, avec ces fichus participes passés.
"mon ange a été mon sauveur" c'est un peu lourd, non ?

Et oui, je trouve qu'elle a du talent. Son histoire de dragon est vraiment drôle et bien mise en scène, par exemple.

JadisJadis    日, 22/09/2019 - 12:57

Bon, ça ne gêne pas vraiment que "sauvée" soit au féminin, c'était juste histoire de vérifier.
Le texte original est remarquablement musical (rimes + rythme et balancement des vers + sonorités et allitérations), mais pas évident de fournir un équivalent en français...

LizzzardLizzzard    日, 22/09/2019 - 13:31

if no one is against, I will say that gender is not mentioned in the verse)
it's just two battered persons, a human and an angel. They both do their job and do not want wars.
(I could not resist and translated some dialogs with GT, sorry to interfere))

silencedsilenced    日, 22/09/2019 - 13:50

Our past participles have the nasty habit of disclosing the gender of direct object complements.
Even a sentence as simple as "I saw you" looks like "I you have seen", where "seen" would agree with "you" Regular smile
This makes writing gender-neutral French difficult.
However, I think I found a way to work around this pesky last line. It's a bit longer, but instead of "the angel saved me" it says "the angel saved my life" in an idiomatic way.

LizzzardLizzzard    日, 22/09/2019 - 14:39

>Our past participles have the nasty habit of disclosing the gender of direct object complements.
Wow, the more you live, the more you learn))
I didn’t even suspect such nuances)) thank you very much for enlightening me! It's so interesting.
And I think "the angel saved my life" is just a great solution! ♥