...или просто я вспомнил... | ...ili prosto ya vspomnil... (영어 번역)

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...или просто я вспомнил... | ...ili prosto ya vspomnil...

...или просто я вспомнил: Давно.
И зима в полнолуние звездна.
А душа в обстановке иной
не узнала себя и сама себе не известна.
 
Близорукий, надевший монокль,
был бы в радости менее пресной:
все в начале темно,
а затем - неизменно прелестно.
 
투고자: Pinchus ZelenogorskyPinchus Zelenogorsky, 金, 20/09/2019 - 22:25
투고자 코멘트:

1994 год

영어 번역영어 (metered, 시적, 운율)
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...or I've just remembered...

Versions: #1#2
…or I’ve just remembered: a long time ago.
A full moon in winter, the star-dotted night.
My soul, in this yet unfamiliar setting1
Did not recognize—didn’t know itself right.2
 
Nearsighted, wearing a monocle,
I’d feel happiness that tastes less stale:
At night, all’s dark in the beginning
And then - it's lovely, without fail.3
 
  • 1. On the first go this line as "And my soul, in this different setting". Not sure if that's better or worse for rhythm. Second go was "My soul, in this different setting"...
  • 2. Emphasis needs to be on "recogNIZE", not "REcognize", or the meter doesn't work and it sucks.
  • 3. If only English had more usable rhymes to "lovely"..."And then, without fail, it is lovely" or "And then - it's unfailingly lovely." would have been so much stronger if only I could rhyme it.
고마워요!
감사 5회 받음
If you'd like a more in-depth translation with more annotations, or have any questions/suggestions, please leave a comment!
투고자: kyucatkyucat, 火, 18/02/2020 - 22:16
작성자 코멘트:

First (or maybe second) attempt. Feedback and suggestions very much appreciated!

The author of translation requested proofreading.
It means that he/she will be happy to receive corrections, suggestions etc about the translation.
If you are proficient in both languages of the language pair, you are welcome to leave your comments.
"...или просто я ..."의 다른 번역
영어 M, P, Rkyucat
Idioms from "...или просто я ..."
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kyucatkyucat    火, 18/02/2020 - 23:30

@Pinchus Zelenogorsky Wah I don't even actually know how to tag people on this site yet, but I tried my hand (very poorly) at another one)

Pinchus ZelenogorskyPinchus Zelenogorsky    水, 19/02/2020 - 00:26

Круто! Спасибо огромное!
Вы совершенно правильно вызвали мой дух, я тоже не сразу узнал этот секретный метод.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    水, 19/02/2020 - 19:04

Kyu, I'm glad you are staying faithful to the original meaning.
It is a tough vocabulary for a rhymed translation.
I would like to see some consistency in the stress pattern on the end of the lines, since they are most important for declaration, etc.
PZ's original is anapest with odd lines ending on stressed syllables, and unstressed syllables in case for even lines.
ago =^. setting ^=. Maybe "so ancient" "that's ancient"?
I have no idea what to do with "monocle" other than to change word order.

kyucatkyucat    水, 19/02/2020 - 21:59

Wah, so strict. I'll think about it! ^^ Might take some time before inspiration strikes, though...

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    水, 19/02/2020 - 23:41

bu-ha-ha. that's not strict. Regular smile
I was once eaten alive by our friendly consortium for using "cheeky - repeating" rhyme.
Good luck with rhymes and meter.
IMHO, many of our rhyming translators cherry pick what they're translating. This text is difficult.
And lots of LT poets do translate mostly in prose in their native language.
So any M,R translations with preserving of the original meaning are welcomed.
Cheers.

kyucatkyucat    木, 20/02/2020 - 00:08

;;;; I just clicked the first thing I saw...should I have been more selective?) I'll keep that in mind! Not really planning on doing more M/R ones, though, because I am impatient and it tilts me to not be able to carry across meaning well enough. Thankfully we do have many other talented people here :'')