Мой дар убог, и голос мой не громок... (Moy dar ubog, i golos moy ne gromok...) (영어 번역)

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Мой дар убог, и голос мой не громок...

Мой дар убог, и голос мой не громок,
Но я живу, и на земли мое
Кому-нибудь любезно бытие:
Его найдет далекий мой потомок
В моих стихах; как знать? душа моя
Окажется с душой его в сношенье,
И как нашел я друга в поколенье,
Читателя найду в потомстве я.
 
투고자: St. SolSt. Sol, 日, 28/05/2017 - 03:24
투고자 코멘트:

1828.

영어 번역영어 (metered, 시적, 운율)
문단 정렬

My gift is poor, my voice is low

Versions: #1#2
My gift is poor, my voice is low,
but I'm alive, my living on the earth
could bring somebody just a bit of mirth;
my distant scion may find it, who knows,
in my poems? Accordingly, my mind
with his or hers will manage to engage.
And as I found a friend here in this age
I'll find a reader in the scion of mine.
 
고마워요!
감사 5회 받음
This is a poetic translation - deviations from the meaning of the original are present (extra words, extra or omitted information, substituted concepts).
투고자: PinchusPinchus, 日, 25/07/2021 - 01:09
최종 수정: PinchusPinchus, 木, 12/08/2021 - 17:17
작성자 코멘트:

Many thanks to co-authors Kevin, Blacksea4ever and Almitra for proofreading!

The author of translation requested proofreading.
It means that he/she will be happy to receive corrections, suggestions etc about the translation.
If you are proficient in both languages of the language pair, you are welcome to leave your comments.
"Мой дар убог, и ..."의 번역
영어 M,P,RPinchus
코멘트
BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    日, 25/07/2021 - 10:54

You may want to change scion to scions - it will let you use “their” ILO of the awkward his/hers.
You made good corrections to it, too.
Thanks.

PinchusPinchus    日, 25/07/2021 - 14:03

Спасибо, Диана! ILO это "вместо"?

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    日, 25/07/2021 - 14:08

Yes, “In lieu of" is an idiom meaning: in place of; instead of

AlmitraAlmitra    日, 25/07/2021 - 14:30

Выскажу свои предложения:

> bring to someone
bring someone

> may it find
may find it
В английском важен порядок слов, и так едва ли можно сказать, если только не имеется в виду пожелание, например: May you find love and peace.

> in some my poems
in some of my poems

> In that way
That way

> my mind with his one
Звучит как-то странно по-английски. Лучше что-то типа my mind and his. Я уже говорил про порядок слов, поэтому, если использовать with, то более естественным был бы порядок: My mind will be in close connection with his.

> in the close connection
in close connection
Может, даже лучше что-то другое подыскать, но как минимум стоит убрать артикль.

PinchusPinchus    日, 25/07/2021 - 14:51

Спасибо, Александр, исправлю, что смогу. А как Вам кажется, можно ли использовать breed вместо scion в последней строке (для улучшения ритма и аллитерации), или это изменит смысл?

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    日, 25/07/2021 - 14:56

Definitely not “breed”
Maybe, you meant “brood?”

Kevin RainbowKevin Rainbow    木, 12/08/2021 - 14:43

Mirth, like happiness, normally isn't used with an article (a/the). I would change it to "some mirth" or 'a bit of mirth"

On the other hand, when talking about a "generation" in the sense used here there should be an article or demonstrative: "this generation" instead "present generation' would be better

"with his or her" should be "with his or hers". We use "hers" when the noun is omitted. "Is that her book?" "Yes, it is hers"

Generation and connection aren't a very good rhyme though. The stressed syllable "AT" of generation and 'EC" of connection are completely different sounds. Consider perhaps something like this:

with his or hers will manage to engage.
And as I found a friend here in this age
I'll find a reader in the scion of mine.

PinchusPinchus    木, 12/08/2021 - 17:06

Спасибо, Кевин, прекрасные советы. С благодарностью принимаю. Получился коллективный перевод.

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