My dear Maja, this is my 100th translation. You know what I mean 8). Now seriosly, there is a mistake in the source lyrics. The second verse should be as I've translated it. The way written now: плачи...плачи...и се моли...
За нас умирам аз... means "Cry, cry and pray. I'm dying for us" which make sense if you sacrifice your life to help someone else, but here the protagonist is dying from desease.
Cry*
1. | Сен Тропе (Sen Trope) |
2. | Хабиби (Habibi) |
3. | Кажи честно (Kaji chestno) |
1. | Жив и здрав! |
Thanks so much for translating this beautiful song! Here are my comments:
I would prefer 'because' instead of 'cause', because the language in the song seems too formal and too folkloric/archaic for 'cause,' which is for casual, informal speech.
"But now is defeated by terrible desease" sounds awkward. How about "But now he's defeated by a dread disease and he's withering"? 'Dread' is just put in because it sounds a little better. The spelling of 'disease' is corrected. 'Defeated by terrible/dread disease' without an article (a/the) sounds too general. It's a particular disease he's defeated by (AIDS, I'm guessing), not the existence of disease in the world.
"Save me from the death" sounds bad in English. "Save me from death."
"In the temple light a candle" is an unusual word order in English and would be a little clearer with a comma: "In the temple, light a candle"
Isn't "you light a candle" the right way? Because in my very humble opinion it's not an imperative. "In the temple you light a candle" would be clear without the comma.
A more archaic/poetic way to say "The blood inside me" would be "The blood within me."
You have a spelling error on the last 'gorgeous.'
Well, point taken. Corrections will be made. About the line "In the temple light a candle!" actually he doesn't give order to his beloved, but rather he's begging her. First time when I translated the song I wrote this line "In the temple you light a candle" but it doesn't sound good to me. That's why I asked you for oppinion.
* I hope the imperative form is translated understandible enough, not only in the title but also in other parts of the lyrics.