Непогода в горах (Nepogoda v gorah) [Узункол] (tłumaczenie na angielski)

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Непогода в горах (Nepogoda v gorah) [Узункол]

Свечка темно горит,
Дождик в окно стучит,
Лето - сплошной обман,
В соснах висит туман.
 
Припев:
Непогода в горах, непогода,
В эту смену с погодой прокол,
Будто плачет о ком-то природа
В нашем лагере Узункол.
Нам-то что? Мы в тепле и в уюте
И весь вечер гоняем чаи,
Лишь бы те, кто сейчас на маршруте,
Завтра в лагерь спуститься б смогли.
 
Врут все мои друзья,
Что, мол, придет рассвет,
Что,дескать, есть края,
Где непогоды нет.
 
Припев
 
И не пробьет тех туч
Солнца густая кровь,
Их лишь разгонит луч,
Луч тот - твоя любовь.
 
Припев
 
Udostępniono przez SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat dnia wt., 18/06/2019 - 03:07
Ostatnio edytowano przez SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat dnia pt., 02/08/2019 - 00:07
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1978.

tłumaczenie na angielskiangielski (zachowujące rytm, rymowane)
Wyrówna akapity
A A

Heavy Weather [Uzunkol]

The candle is dimly lit;
Rain to begin its beat;
Summer deceived all minds;
Fog hangs amidst the pines.
 
REFRAIN:
Heavy weather today, heavy weather;
In this season we aren’t lucky at all,
As if Nature and skies cry together
In the alpinist’s camp Uzunkól1.
And so what? It is warm in the building;
All day long we are drinking hot tea.
We just wish that those teams that are climbing,
Would be able to descend from the peaks.
 
All of my friends tell lies,
That soon the sun will rise,
That you can find on earth
Lands, where no rain is heard.
 
REFRAIN
 
Blood of the sun is hot,
Pierce through the clouds it won’t;
Only the one beam does –
This beam is your true love.
 
REFRAIN
 
  • 1. Uzunkol is a mountaineering camp in the Caucasus Mountains, located in the Republic of Karachay-Cherkessia, Russia
© Schnurrbrat
Critique is always welcomed (proof-read or not, negative too).
Udostępniono przez SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat dnia czw., 19/09/2019 - 21:07
Ostatnio edytowano przez SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat dnia niedz., 13/10/2019 - 04:56
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Moje komentarze
silencedsilenced    czw., 19/09/2019 - 21:25

Fog in the pines befalls -> sounds like an uncommon use of "befall". "over the pines falls" maybe?

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    czw., 19/09/2019 - 21:41

I'm glad that you're not alarmed by my yogaspeak there. Wink smile
"Befalls" appeared there after my multi-day struggle with this stanza.
Befall is an old-fashioned or literary way of saying something happened by chance.
I googled up a number of lines with "fog befalls (on/to something)":As the German guns fall silent and an impenetrable fog befalls no-man's land, the final days of the war become...

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    czw., 19/09/2019 - 21:54

I liked it. But if you might consider:
Fog in the pines befalls. -- fog over the pines falls

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    czw., 19/09/2019 - 22:00

Deanna, I would gladly change it to anything that will carry the original meaning and will fit this pattern ^==^=^
I had at least ten versions of L3 and L4, so I considered the current version satisfactory for a publication, but I will change it, if anything better will come to mind or will be suggested.
Pierre btw said the same thing Regular smile

silencedsilenced    pt., 20/09/2019 - 01:54

Google gives this one example of "fog befalls" plus a couple others. Dictionaries vary quite a bit:
Cambridge -> If something bad or dangerous befalls you, it happens to you [giving "betide" as a synonym]
Oxford -> (especially of something bad) happen to (someone) [they only define the "befall to" variant]
Merriam Webster -> to happen especially as if by fate
Only Oxford labels it literary.

I think that might work here, since the fog is a bad thing. It will probably sound a bit melodramatic, but that could be a good trade-off for the stress pattern.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    pt., 20/09/2019 - 02:59

Pierre, I think you're right, "befall" brings some negativity, which is not present in the original. I will change this line to the one suggested by PZ and will think more when I will have a clear mind and zeal to fix it Regular smile
Thank you.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    czw., 19/09/2019 - 22:27

That's an interesting suggestion, especially the L4. (although "inside" the pines means imho "in the trunks", but i can use "amidst the pines")
I had a number of similar L3s, but I avoid the contraction of "IS" with nouns. Imho, they are all confusing.
I worked (a lot!) along this line: Summer's a total scam/fraud/ruse, etc. But decided to get rid of it.
PS. Deanna @BlackSea4ever, please don't be sorry. If two proof-readers said the same thing, i should pay attention.