Солнце на блюдце (Solntse na blyudtse) (tłumaczenie na angielski)

Proszę o korektę
tłumaczenie na angielskiangielski
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Sun on a Silver Platter

...йокоп - иинеживд в атнирибал йеревд ялетинарх сьлуП1
 
The shroud of twilight fog hangs over,
With only light marking our way.
How many trinkets are in your pocket,
And how many trinkets are in your heart.
Give me a bedtime story, one of fate,
[One]That pulls me into terror,
[One]That takes me into a dark place,
And then carry me through this place in your arms
 
[Cary me to]Where there is light.
Where above us is a large sky,
And shinning over the world,
A ball of fire.
The first ray of which,
The Herald of Victory,
And when a spark touches down,
It does so in my palms.
 
Liquid sun in a silver platter,
Turning shadows into smoke,
Oh how grey they were.
I didn't have a second to look back,
Behind me a raging blizzard,
Dancing circles around me, the centuries go by.
And all I could touch, just barely,
Felt like snow
 
From what bloodlines does its shine comes from,
From what peaks does its love comes from,
And from what winds does its fire come from,
And should I be shielded from it or not?
 
Show me the faithful brotherhood of the night,
Who were blinded during the battle for brightness
Be their guide and lead them,
If I was you, I'd take it at face value. That's the entire story story. 2
 
[Cary me to]Where there is light.
Where above us is a large sky,
And shinning over the world,
A ball of fire.
The first ray of which,
The Herald of Victory,
And when a spark touches down,
It does so in my palms.
 
Liquid sun in a silver platter,
Turning shadows into smoke,
Oh how grey they were.
I didn't have a second to look back,
Behind me a raging blizzard,
Dancing circles around me, the centuries go by.
And all I could touch, just barely,
Felt like snow
 
  • 1. Пуль хранителя дверей лабиринта в движени - покой Translated : The bullets of the gate-keeper lay peacefully.
  • 2. Okay this one has something. You want a story about the Herald of Victory, brotherhood of night, and whatever this song is about I'll give it to you.
Dzięki!

Open to suggestions to improve the translation

Udostępniono przez Vladimir4757Vladimir4757 dnia śr., 15/09/2021 - 19:26
Ostatnio edytowano przez Vladimir4757Vladimir4757 dnia pon., 20/09/2021 - 16:05
Komentarz autora:

You're getting a story about this. I lied about the last one, but this time I promise you, you're getting a fun story. A gothic tale of sorts.

Autor tłumaczenia oczekuje korekty.
To znaczy, że on będzie szczęśliwy/ona będzie szczęśliwa gdy dostarczysz poprawek, sugestii itp. dotyczących tłumaczenia.
Jeżeli jesteś biegły w obu językach z pary, będzie mile widziane byś pozostaw swój komentarz.

Солнце на блюдце (Solntse na blyudtse)

Moje komentarze
PinchusPinchus    pt., 17/09/2021 - 13:15

Мамусь, слабоват мой английский такое переводить, тем более, что я местами и русский текст не понимаю. Однако, в английском ошибок хватает, причем даже там, где все довольно понятно. Но лучше [@St. Sol]'а попросить помочь - он специалист по Алисе.

Бубенцы, думаю, взялись от "птицы-тройки". Что такое "принять на грудь" - все мы знаем. Но принять на грудь "бубенцы" - уже довольно загадочно.

IgeethecatIgeethecat    pt., 17/09/2021 - 22:16

Спасибо и на том
А то ща как приму на грудь -- мало не покажется

IgeethecatIgeethecat    pt., 17/09/2021 - 22:32

Ну да, это ж очевидно

PinchusPinchus    pt., 17/09/2021 - 22:51

Ух ты, сколько синонимов!

Kevin RainbowKevin Rainbow    pt., 17/09/2021 - 23:33

Definitely a liberal translation, I think.

Quote:

Время отмечать пройденный путь

"Time to celebrate the path travelled" (?)

Not sure how you interpret this as "With only the light of time lighting the way"

Quote:

" Искрой лёг
В мою ладонь."

Should be in the past tense (лёг), I believe.

As a spark touched down
In my palm"

Quote:

From what bloodlines does its shine comes from,
From what peaks does its love comes from

Since it is used with "does", "comes" should be "come" in these lines.

PinchusPinchus    pt., 17/09/2021 - 23:32

>"Time to celebrate the path travelled" (?)
А может быть "Time to mark the path travelled" (on the map, for example)?

Vladimir4757Vladimir4757    pon., 20/09/2021 - 14:47

I'm going over your suggestions. I'm not ignoring y'all

Vladimir4757Vladimir4757    pon., 20/09/2021 - 14:48

I'm glad to see a discussion over this song as I want to better translate it. I'll mark it for proofreading

Vladimir4757Vladimir4757    pon., 20/09/2021 - 15:52

Alright I've gone over everyone's opinions and will begin to attempt a retranslation of the song. Alisa's lyrics can be quite challenging for me, but I try. I'm glad you have all given me feedback and I hope I can make this translation better

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