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As I Was Carrying my Bane

As I was carrying my Bane
On ice in springtime, -
The ice gave way - my soul lost hold,
Like a stone it fell underwater, -
But Bane - even though ponderous,
grasped sharp edges and managed to stay afloat.
 
And Bane since that day
Relentlessly seeks me everywhere, -
Rumours and echoes of Rumours -
Are Bane's companions.
And that I had not died -
Only the bare willow tree knew
As well as the various quails
 
I wonder who spoke
To my Lord, -
Which creature - gave me away, did not keep my secret, -
And not himself because of the passion he felt,
He followed me,
But with him came both Bane and Rumour.
 
He overtook me, reached for me -
Embraced me, carried me in his arms, -
Beside him, upon the saddle, Bane smiled.
But my beloved could not stay -
All in all it was just one day,
But Bane - for all eternity remained...
 
Oryginalne teksty (piosenek)

Я несла свою беду...

Kliknij, by zobaczyć oryginalny tekst piosenki (rosyjski)

Komentarze
BratBrat    wt., 10/04/2018 - 17:25

A nice translation, but a few corrections:

S1L1 I bore my sorrow - > Here the Past Continuous, or even the PP Cont. is needed. Like "I'd been carrying my bane..."
S1L2 In icy Springtime -> on ice in springtime
S1L3 my soul was torn -> my soul lost hold (and thus fell)
S1L6 Was caught and brought to a standstill by sharp edges. -> I don't think using the passive voice is a good idea here, because the girl's Bane is spelled starting with a capital letter, as if it was a person's name, so it's supposed to act on its own. So it would be better to say that Bane grasped the sharp edges and managed to stay afloat.

S3L1 Which of them -> Whoever (that's shorter) ;)
S3L3 They only -> But they (someone of them)

netokornetokor
   wt., 10/04/2018 - 22:09

Thank you very much for proofreading. Very kind of you. I'll get to it in a little bit, as soon as life leaves me alone for a short while!

netokornetokor
   wt., 10/04/2018 - 23:34

Done, my friend! (I like "affliction" more than "bane.") Much obliged! If it had not been for your corrections I would have missed the personification of her affliction. This makes the song all the more powerful and poetic. Thank you again!

P.S. I have found that in order to understand Russian, it really helps if you are Russian! :)

BratBrat    śr., 11/04/2018 - 14:27

Gosh! I haven't even noticed the lapse because I didn't even read the lyrics remembering it by heart.

BratBrat    śr., 11/04/2018 - 14:40
petit élève написал(а):

I agree past continuous is appropriate there, but not past perfect continuous : "[as] I was carrying my misfortune [the ice gave way]"

It depends on what a translator may wish to emphasize. The variant with the P.Continuous is the very first to cross the mind.

petit élève написал(а):

Беда с Молвой -> both misfortune and rumour are personified here. I suppose "Rumour" is the embodiment of the gossiping noises that follow Misfortune everywhere (Слухи ходят - вместе с ней - с кривотолками)

That's a good note. *thumbs_up*

petit élève написал(а):

Кто ж из них сказал ему,
Господину моему, -
Только - выдали меня, проболталися, -> I understand that as "One of them must have let my Lord know [about my survival]. At any rate, [someone's] careless talk gave me away"
i.e. "them" refers to the willow and the quails perched on it, and "только " rather means "anyway", "all I know is..."

What do you think?

Well, this line is a little bit 'compressed', because it should have something at the beginning to be grammatically complete. Like this: Не знаю, кто ж из них сказал ему...
At the original view the line could be also interpreted as a rhethoric question. ;) That's why I suggested the "whoever" construction: "who ever""whoever". :)
As for the "Bane" I completely agree with Igeethecat. It's a kinda ill luck that was meant by the author. And the main plot is about how the girl danced away a chance of getting rid of her Bane. And as it often happens, Love was the only one to blame. ;)

IgeethecatIgeethecat    czw., 12/04/2018 - 03:46

I don’t think she tried to “run away” from him, rather she was under his spell, she knew that it was a bad love and she’s been “walking on thin ice” in this relationship until something bad happened. Her heart is broken, but she still badly loves him. This curse follows her, so do the rumors. ‘The tree and the birds’ who know about her feelings, spread the word. Someone (not necessarily tree or birds) tells it to her Lord, the rest you got right.

This is my free interpretation of the story

BratBrat    czw., 12/04/2018 - 15:17

Look, the 'icy' metaphor is about the girl's life. ;) She'd been living (not very well) with her Bane as if she was walking on a very thin spring ice, and when, all on a sudden, but yet unsurprising, some 'accidental' Disaster happened (a huge one, as she almost died), she thought: "That's it, enough! The Disaster fordid my Bane, from now on I'll live much better. But hell no, her Bane survived, and returned accompanying her beloved man.
That's why I tend to use the "bane" word to describe the spot. Because they often say "a (the) bane of my (whole) life" in English. :)
Then about birds and trees. Well, it comes as an exclamation, frankly. Look at the "ж" particle, it gives such an exclamatory hue to the phrase. I won't read tea leaves trying to ponder on how it would be better to say in English, because it is impossible to make the exact translation due to the word order restrictions present in English. The only thing that comes to my mind is to ask [@Gavin] to tell us what his wife would exclaim when speaking about which kind of devil that was who put an idea to marry her husband into her head. :) Then we could derive some stuff from there, I guess. ;)

GavinGavin
   pt., 13/04/2018 - 13:43

"Walking on thin ice" is indeed a well established metaphor and seems to work well.

I agree though that 'bane' is a challenging choice. You are quite right we do talk about things being the 'bane of my life" (or my existence) but that is pretty much the only time the word survives in modern English. "Affliction" or "burden" would be more common - a quite nice one is "cross" - "that will be my cross (to bear)" for example. Don't know if you would find that preferable?

sandringsandring    pt., 13/04/2018 - 13:46

Quite the opposite, Gavin. It's really "bane" That's the right touch, I was surprised at such an exact match.

GavinGavin
   pt., 13/04/2018 - 13:51

Fair enough - that's why I say 'challenging' as it's not very common in contemporary English but sure, the meaning is good. The fact that it can be interpreted as a name too is fortuitous. :)

BratBrat    pt., 13/04/2018 - 14:04

It's not that common in Russian too to say as the poet did.
And the original word "беда" is not common itself, either. It's much more idiomatic nowadays.
It comes from the same Indo-European roots from which the English "bad" comes.
And thus "bane" looks to be closer than anything.
BTW, in my Russian eye the line looks like as if the girl carried her mischievous pet named "Bane" (a nice name, though) and then the ice cracked... :)

netokornetokor
   śr., 11/04/2018 - 03:30

Excellent! Thanks so much! It will be polished soon! :)

netokornetokor
   śr., 11/04/2018 - 03:38

I'll wait, but your suggestions make so much sense. The message becomes more focused. Thank you both for taking the time to proofread. Also this is a wonderful learning experience.

IgeethecatIgeethecat    śr., 11/04/2018 - 04:59

I agree with Brat - carrying my bane sounds better in this context, than bearing affliction. Нести - in this context closer to English ‘to carry’.
И беда здесь - is stronger word, than affliction, misfortune or sorrow.

Below is the link to some Russian idioms about беда if you are interested:
http://sbornik-mudrosti.ru/poslovicy-i-pogovorki-pro-bedu/

А Беда - хоть тяжела - maybe ‘But’, not ‘And’?

netokornetokor
   czw., 12/04/2018 - 14:29

Always interested in idiomatic expressions Thanks very much!

netokornetokor
   czw., 12/04/2018 - 14:24

OK, I'm back. Thank you all so, so, so much! I'll study all of these suggestions (fascinating reading for language freaks like us!) and edit accordingly. Warmest regards!

netokornetokor
   czw., 12/04/2018 - 14:50

Done, my friends! Any other corrections or suggestions are always welcome. :)

sandringsandring    pt., 13/04/2018 - 12:26

I think the translation looks quite impressive now, many thanks to all the contributors. Good job! My two cents. See the footnote to the original lyrics. My option for the translation refers to the twister "Queen Quail is Quiet".

And Bane since that day
Has relentlessly been seeking me everywhere, -
Accompanied by Gossips
And loose talk
The fact that I had not died -
Only the bare willow tree knew
As well as all kinds of unquiet queen quails

netokornetokor
   pt., 13/04/2018 - 15:36

¡Esperanza! ¡Gracias, amiga! :)

netokornetokor
   sob., 14/04/2018 - 16:00

Esperancita querida, I don't like the word "Gossips." I don't know why. It doesn't sound poetic to me. Do you think "Whispers" would work? The overall tone of the poem would imply that these are sinister whispers by people who are gossiping about this unfortunate love affair. Let me know. Saludos afectuosos, e

IgeethecatIgeethecat    sob., 14/04/2018 - 16:23

IMHO, whispers worked fine, I didn’t know why you changed them to rumors, but both do the job
Your translation is beautiful, just let it be

netokornetokor
   sob., 14/04/2018 - 16:31

Thank you! I'll do it! :) You are so kind!

BratBrat    sob., 14/04/2018 - 16:24

Oh, there is a pretty lot of synonyms in English: "claver" (the one I like best), "slander", "tittle-tattle"...

BratBrat    sob., 14/04/2018 - 17:34
petit élève написал(а):

However, "claver" is not even in the Oxford dictionary. Apparently that's a Scottish thing.

It's a Celtic one. ;) I got it from one of my Scottish friends, who often says "clish ma claver" when he's on his booze. :D
And "tittle-tattling" seems to look like the gerund.
But nevertheless it's more like a mere chatter...

BratBrat    sob., 14/04/2018 - 18:22

That's interesting having in mind that the Russian "слухи" come from "слухать (слушать)" as well as "кривотолки" come from "толковать"... Though we don't have the true gerund in Russian, some derivatives are still possible, you know.. ;)

IgeethecatIgeethecat    sob., 14/04/2018 - 18:27

Толковать, но криво - О, богатый и могучий русский язык !

netokornetokor
   pon., 16/04/2018 - 14:14

О, невозможный русский язык!
-Эрнэсто :)

GavinGavin
   pon., 16/04/2018 - 08:13

I've certainly never heard of claver - one for the celtic gossips that one!

The scottish "haver" is fairly well known in English, probably via The Proclaimers song 500 miles. We do have blather - but these both mean to talk incessantly and pointlessly rather than "gossip"
per se.

Gossip and tittle-tattle are more or less identical and can both be verbs or nouns -
That's quite enough gossiping, I won't hear any more of your tittle-tattle! :)

In fact tittle-tattling as a verb although quite possible is a little awkward -

Stop tittle-tattling! (hmmm)
Don't tittle-tattle! (not bad)
That's quite enough tittle-tattle! (better)

netokornetokor
   sob., 14/04/2018 - 16:30

Merci mon ami. Vous avez raison. Nous devrions être en charge du monde, pas des politiciens fous. Vous êtes très aimable! (I think that's right!) :)

IgeethecatIgeethecat    sob., 14/04/2018 - 16:46

I agree, your translation is beautiful!
Me encanta mucho

netokornetokor
   sob., 14/04/2018 - 18:23

¡Gracias! A mí también me encantan tus traducciones. Algunas están en mi lista de favoritas y las estudio para continuar aprendiendo tu lengua tan fascinante para mí.

IgeethecatIgeethecat    sob., 14/04/2018 - 21:37

Yo no hablo español buen, pero i am trying
¡Gracias for what you said about my translations! (That is what you meant , right?)

My Spanish sucks
correct my Spanish, I don’t mind

netokornetokor
   niedz., 15/04/2018 - 13:28

Believe me. Your Spanish is infinitely better than my Russian!

"No hablo español bien." "Bien" is an adverb. "Buen" is an adjective that has dropped the normal "o" when placed before a singular masculine noun: "buen libro" "buen amigo."

"Bien" never changes.

The adjective forms agree with their nouns:

Amigo bueno, Amiga Buena, amigos Buenos, amigas buenas.

Now I feel free to pester you with Russian grammar questions! :)

IgeethecatIgeethecat    niedz., 15/04/2018 - 16:35

No problema. Siempre quiero ayudarte
Всегда поможем, чем можем

netokornetokor
   niedz., 15/04/2018 - 22:45

Я тоже всегда буду тебя помогать! :)

netokornetokor
   niedz., 15/04/2018 - 23:24

Got it, my friend!

Я тоже всегда буду тебе помогать!