Khochu y zerkala gde mut'(Хочу у зеркала где муть) ( Tradução para Inglês)

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Khochu y zerkala gde mut'(Хочу у зеркала где муть)

Хочу у зеркала, где муть
И сон туманящий,
Я выпытать — куда Вам путь
И где пристанище.
 
Я вижу: мачта корабля,
И Вы — на палубе...
Вы — в дыме поезда... Поля
В вечерней жалобе —
 
Вечерние поля в росе,
Над ними — вороны...
— Благословляю Вас на все
Четыре стороны!
 
Adicionado por Татьяна ОрдоньесТатьяна Ордоньес em Sábado, 13/07/2019 - 06:56
Tradução para InglêsInglês
Alinhar parágrafos
A A

By the mirror

Versões: #1#2#3#4#5
From the mirror's murky depth and
Dream's foggy haziness,
I pry to learn where you would head
And where your refuge allays.
 
I see a mast of a ship and
You're on the deck of it...
You're in the smoke of a train... Fields,
Fields in the evening plea -
 
The evening fields aswim in dew,
Above them - Ravens...
My blessings, may they carry you
To the world's four corners.
 
Feedback is appreciated. If you like or dislike something, leave a note...
The objective is to further human understanding so my feeble attempts are not copyrighted.
Adicionado por BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever em Segunda-feira, 09/09/2019 - 23:37
Última edição feita por BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever em Quinta-feira, 12/09/2019 - 00:31
Comentários
EquirythmysticaEquirythmystica    Quarta-feira, 11/09/2019 - 22:23

Нормальный перевод. Я бы в четвертой строчке добавил вместо артикля А - your.

На счет рифмы - у Цветаевой она тоже не везде точная, поэтому вполне можно зарифмовать dew/off.

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Quarta-feira, 11/09/2019 - 22:34

Thanks. Changing to your gave me a better line.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Quarta-feira, 11/09/2019 - 22:42

Deanna, a great poetry choice, but I will bug you about your translation:
I think you need to introduce the subject-verb combo much sooner in the 1st stanza to correct the word order.
Why not to start this poem with "I ask/pry/want ", just as in the original?
imho, the current structure "from [long description of the location] I ask" means that the questioner is in the mirror's murky depth him/herself. I also think it is necessary to repeat "and from the" before the "dream's foggy haziness".
I do not like how you end not one but two lines on "and"
2nd stanza of the original looks like an exercise in the use of articles. I would never get it correctly Sad smile I hope you did though Wink smile
Finally, why not to use "four corners of the world"? world over earth will bring some consonance into this stanza.
Cheers.

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Quarta-feira, 11/09/2019 - 22:53

I thought you were busy...lol
- I had world vs earth and to me earth was better. Probably, cause I'm tone deaf.
- articles, articles... Who cares
- I'm still trying to improve so lines ending in "and" are prime targets
- I like 1st stanza - for me, I get an image of looking into a crystal ball and there is a curling foggy haze while she is conjuring an image of her beloved. But, I'll think more on it.
Thanks

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Quarta-feira, 11/09/2019 - 23:09

Ok, but please consider reviewing "from".
imho it sounds like "from the tall tree I could see really far" / "from the mirror I pry to learn"
imho, when we use "ask/pry" we don't really need to use "from". You can use it; but with this reverse word order, the meaning is a different one.

to me "depth/head" sounds better than "depth and/head" and "ship/plea" sounds better than "ship and/plea"
set off to all four corners of the world vs. set off to all four corners of the earth

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Quarta-feira, 11/09/2019 - 23:16

Maybe I'm too tired - I will return to it as it definitely could be improved - daunting task in face of such talent.
Thanks.

Pinchus ZelenogorskyPinchus Zelenogorsky    Quarta-feira, 11/09/2019 - 23:29

В последнем четверостишии, мне кажется, напрашиваются рифмы
dew - you (спасибо Дикинсон)
Ravens - winds (to the 4 winds)

Pinchus ZelenogorskyPinchus Zelenogorsky    Quinta-feira, 12/09/2019 - 01:40

И я попробовал перевести. Даже вроде про артикли подумал, как завещал 42. Но не знаю, насколько это на английский язык похоже.