A good one, indeed!
I just have a few words to say:
there's no humps. -> Is it an idiom? I don't know, besides. Maybe "there're no humps"?
For the other winter bloom - > Is it a typo? Because "loom" fits perfectly instead. ;)
Wooden hunger - > it's not "голод дровяной". Because "голод дровяной" would rather mean "lack of fuel". You may want to revise the whole line, and maybe there'll be a better rhyme for that. ;)
Like the future's silent steps. - > I think "traipse" at the end of the line would fit the rhyme better. :)
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Никого не будет в доме... → traducere în Engleză
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Corectură cerută
Versuri originale
Никого не будет в доме...
Никого не будет в доме,
Кроме сумерек. Один
Зимний день в сквозном проеме
Незадернутых гардин.
Только белых мокрых комьев
Быстрый промельк моховой,
Только крыши, снег, и, кроме
Крыш и снега, никого.
И опять зачертит иней,
И опять завертит мной
Прошлогоднее унынье
И дела зимы иной.
И опять кольнут доныне
Неотпущенной виной,
И окно по крестовине
Сдавит голод дровяной.
Но нежданно по портьере
Пробежит сомненья дрожь,-
Тишину шагами меря.
Ты, как будущность, войдешь.
Ты появишься из двери
В чем-то белом, без причуд,
В чем-то, впрямь из тех материй,
Из которых хлопья шьют.
Traducere
No One Will Be In The House...
No one will be in the house -
Only twilight's random shapes.
Wintry day will calmly browse
Through half-open window drapes.
Only fleeting mossy flicker
Of the falling wet white clumps,
Only roofs and snow the tricker,
And except them there's no one.
And again the hoarfrost drawings,
And again the last year's gloom
Will arouse my somber longings
For the other winter bloom.
And again they'll spark my heartache
With yet unforgiven guilt,
Lack of firewood at daybreak'll
Squeeze the cross of window sill.
But, completely unexpected,
Drapes will shake from anxious doubt, -
You will enter, unsuspected,
Like the Future's silent sprout.
In the doorway you'll appear,
Wearing simply something white,
Just like white cloth, cold, austere,
From which snowflakes're sewn in flight.
Mulțumesc! ❤ | ||
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Postat de St. Sol la 2018-04-12
Ultima oară editat de St. Sol în data 2018-04-14
Comentariile autorului:
[ER-p] Equirhythmic rhymed translation of the timeless classic.
.
The running meter:
[ ^- ^- ^- ^- ]
[ ^- ^- ^- ^ ]
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Banned User Ironic Iron ֍ The Black Sun
Contribuţie: 1497 traduceri, 8 transliterații, 2107 cântece, 1 collection, i s-a mulţumit de 7755 de ori, a rezolvat 107 cereri, a ajutat 55 membri, a transcris 35 cântece, a adăugat 819 expresii, a explicat 2490 expresii, a lăsat 1666 comentarii, added 75 annotations
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Limbi: nativ Rusă, fluent Engleză, beginner Spaniolă
1931.