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  • BlackSea4ever

    A world away

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A world away versuri

Morning
My thoughts to you begin to stray -
"It's silly" to myself I say.
Work's finally a world away.
The storm is on its way.
 
Afternoon
I'm checking messages at midday,
Just sad songs I no longer play.
New project is firmly stowed away.
The storm hits islands on its way.
 
Midnight
Going insane as I sleepless lay,
Annoyed that work creeps in to play.
You are asleep a world away.
The storm will crush all in its way.
 

 

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Comentarii
BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever
   Luni, 02/09/2019 - 17:42

Anna, [@Anna gül]
"The free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it"
Thanks

Anna gülAnna gül    Marţi, 03/09/2019 - 07:50

Sorry for late reply , It's all my pleasure , thank you too for sharing and hope you have a wonderful day *kiss*

LizzzardLizzzard    Marţi, 03/09/2019 - 14:35

D, this is a revenge XD
I'm likely too fanciful so author may well call me out! (c)

Sorry, the distance and storm have greatly decreased)
And everything turned into a "frivolous story", so I am publishing this to you in a comment

К тебе дрейфую налегке
Я в глупых мыслях, уж прости.
Работа где-то вдалеке,
Гроза давно уже в пути

А в полдень сообщений рой,
Закрыт проект удачно в срок,
Забыт печальных песен строй.
Гроза уж полнит водосток

Часы бессонницей полны,
Из дум гоню работу прочь.
Ты где-то спишь и видишь сны
Гроза ворвется в нашу ночь

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever
   Marţi, 03/09/2019 - 14:42

There is a hurricane Dorian - storm on its way here. Although, I can see how you may interprete "дрейфую налегке" - here, it is simply looking forward to those comments that frequently make me smile. And unfortunately, no matter how hard I try to stow work, it is pretty much always in my head - simply because I can control its outcome.

Thanks for making me smile.

LizzzardLizzzard    Marţi, 03/09/2019 - 14:50

Yes, I suspected that I was very mistaken with a storm XD. In our area this does not happen, so I read a verse like, something about the heavy-rain outside the window which unites)

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever
   Marţi, 03/09/2019 - 14:55

Hurray, I was ambiguous enough to qualify onto the "no good poet" list! Lol. And revenge is sweet? Or is it a cold dish served?

LizzzardLizzzard    Marţi, 03/09/2019 - 15:13

It was enlightening!
At first I thought, why did a storm hit the island? if in our region a storm hits the islands, nothing terrible will happen. (we have islands in the river delta)
Maybe this is an allegory of feelings? maybe you just live by the lake)
Or is it your sadness of parting/distance?
Then, when I still decided that it was about feelings, I realized that I wrote a translation in the masculine gender. But you have no gender in the verse. and a woman can also work hard and love at a distance. therefore I removed the gender reference.)
And then I realized that it turned out very far from the original. so I just decided to amuse you)

JadisJadis    Marţi, 03/09/2019 - 15:37

Yes, that's what I thought too (well, that you sometimes were ambiguous - I wouldn't risk an opinion about your conclusion), that's why I hesitate to try a French translation. But what I would suggest is to polish a little the rhythm, because you nearly caught it :
It is silly to myself I say > It's silly to myself I say
Just the sad songs I no longer play > Just sad songs I no longer play
Going crazy as I sleepless lay > Going crazy I sleepless lay (but this is not quite in the rhythm, perhaps rather "going insane" ? Or what would you think of "Annoyed and sore I sleepless lay / Upset that work creeps in to play" ? - simple suggestion, I don't know what it is worth).
 
And please don't get mad and erase the whole thing! It's NOT bad! Actually, I think you're improving! Hurray! :)
 

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever
   Marţi, 03/09/2019 - 23:11

See, Philippe, you are mistaken that I try to improve.
Edit: took 3 of 4 suggestions. Thanks.

silencedsilenced    Marţi, 03/09/2019 - 15:33

As a punishment for blowing my cover yet again, you'll be the victim of my first nitpicking session in months.

Nice collection of "~ay"s, well worth the slightly Yoda-ish feel IMO ;)

stray to you -> AFAIK you would either stray from (a path, as in "deviate from a route"), or stray away from/toward (something, as in "wander").

It is silly to myself I say
Work finally a world away -> rhymes aside, I suppose the idea is "I say to myself that ending up working a world away is silly". I feel like you're missing something. "[it is silly] "*to* work..." or "work*ing*", maybe?

midday -> I'd rather say "at midday" (12AM) or "mid-day" ("mid-" as "in the middle of something" : mid-sentence, mid-flight...)

creeps in to play -> typo on "into" I guess?

New project firmly stowed away -> "The/A new project" or "New project*s*" all sound fine, but a single project with no article feels like something we're supposed to already know about. I might be wrong though.

Also the last "crash" sounds a bit odd. I'd rather expect "crush", or did I miss something?

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever
   Marţi, 03/09/2019 - 15:47

Ah, feels familiar!
Crash = crush (of course) - merci and mercy, hey?
A/The - who cares - it's just another project that's in my way
Creeps in TO play - methinketh it can stay
And at mid-day as you say 😄 Along with punctuation.

Per se

silencedsilenced    Marţi, 03/09/2019 - 16:29

about "creeps in to play", it feels to me like the project slips into the room to try and get you to play with it, like a kind of cat, only creepier :D
"creeps into play" would mean that the project manages to creep back into your mind and interfere with your other thoughts, or maybe into your life at large and upset some other plans of yours.

That would better be confirmed by a native though.

And btw. "lay" would be the past of "lie" ("as I was lying sleepless") or the present of "lay" (which would require an object complement, assuming you could find one that would make sense)