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À tout jamais (traducere în Engleză)

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Franceză
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À tout jamais

Quand nous aurons fermé les yeux
À tout jamais, à tout jamais
À l'instant du dernier adieu
J'en aurai encore du regret
J'en aurai encore du remords
Et partirai avec ma peine
Et pour peu que je me souvienne
Ce mal n'en sera que plus fort
Car nous avons fermé nos cœurs
À tout jamais, à tout jamais
Pour remplacer tant de bonheur
Par du chagrin et des regrets
 
Lorsque les siècles bout à bout
À tout jamais, à tout jamais
Aurons mis le passé sur nous
Et que l'oubli sera complet
S'il reste encore une lueur
S'il reste encore un rien de flamme
Sous la cendre tiède de l'âme
 
Qui paraît-il jamais ne meurt
Pour trouver le calme infini
À tout jamais, à tout jamais
Tout comme au temps de notre vie
Mon amour je te chercherai
T'appellerai
Te trouverai
Te garderai
À tout jamais
 
Postat de arc-en-cielarc-en-ciel la Joi, 20/08/2020 - 13:16
traducere în EnglezăEngleză
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Forevermore

Versiuni: #1#2
After we close our eyes
forever and evermore,
how full of regrets
and remorse I shall still be
at the moment of the last goodbye
and shall be gone with my sorrow.
And should I bring up memories,
they will only kindle the pain,
for we locked down our hearts
forever and evermore
and replaced so much happiness
with sorrow and regrets.
 
When century after century has
forever and evermore
laid the past down upon us
until complete oblivion,
should a glow
or the merest flame remain
under the cooling ashes1
 
of my supposedly-immortal soul,
in order to achieve
forever and evermore
the serenity we enjoyed in life,
my love, I'll seek you out,
call your name,
find you
and keep you
forevermore.
 
  • 1. lit. "under the lukewarm ash of the soul / which never dies, or so they say"
Mulțumesc!
thanked 5 times

Do whatever you want with my translations.
They no more belong to me than the air I breathe.

Postat de silencedsilenced la Sâmbătă, 26/09/2020 - 13:59
Ultima oară editat de silencedsilenced în data Luni, 28/09/2020 - 07:36
Comentariile autorului:

The last two stanzas form a single sentence. I tried to preserve the structure in English, but that might sound stilted to a native ear. I'd be grateful for second opinions.

The author of translation requested proofreading.
It means that he/she will be happy to receive corrections, suggestions etc about the translation.
If you are proficient in both languages of the language pair, you are welcome to Lasă comentariile tale.
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Comentarii
silencedsilenced    Sâmbătă, 26/09/2020 - 14:13

[@Sarah Rose] I'd be glad for a bit of proofreading on this one. It's nice poetic French, I think it deserves some extra care.

Sarah RoseSarah Rose    Sâmbătă, 26/09/2020 - 20:09

Sure, no problem.

First I'll just list a few minor corrections to get those out of the way:

an shall be gone with my sorrow --> and shall be gone with my sorrow
(an to and)

of my supposedly immortal soul --> of my supposedly-immortal soul
(hyphenated because it's a compound adjective)

forever more --> forevermore
(last line only, all one word)

For the first sentence, it's hard to know how to punctuate it without knowing what's there in French. Right now there are two ways to interpret it because of the placement of 'at the moment of the last goodbye.'

I'll rephrase part of it two different ways and you can tell me which one better matches the French:

1. We close our eyes forever and evermore at the moment of the last goodbye.
2. I shall still be full of regrets and remorse at the moment of the last goodbye.

For the next two sentences, I think they should be all one sentence and I moved 'down' closer to the verb, it's a little more poetic this way:
And should I bring up memories,
they will only kindle the pain,
for we locked down our hearts
forever and evermore

Regarding your note about the last two stanzas, they do form a nice sentence in English. I think the first part could be clarified a little bit though. One way to say something similar to the meaning you describe would be 'century after century,' but since the sentence already starts with 'after,' that wouldn't work. Is that a really important part, or could it be changed?

Also, I think it would be better not to use the words 'down' and 'up' so close together since my first inclination was to put them together as directions.

Here's an idea:

When century after century has
forever and evermore
laid the past down upon us
until complete oblivion,

If that changes the meaning of anything too much, let me know and we can tweak it.

Everything else looks great, it's very beautiful!

silencedsilenced    Duminică, 27/09/2020 - 19:07

Thanks again for a very helpful and comprehensive proofreading.

About the location of the time complement, it's closer to your second rephrasing. I did change the commas a bit, but I don't really understand how they work in English so you'll probably have to correct them anyway.

"when" is exactly what the French says and it allows to avoid the repetition of "after", so "century after century" is just fine. I feared that would sound confusing, what with English and French often going their separate ways when expressing time and duration. But apparently I worried for nothing. I'll go for your suggestion then.

Sarah RoseSarah Rose    Duminică, 27/09/2020 - 21:12

The commas are correct now, but since there are two prepositional phrases there, I would recommend moving that line down a little further so there's no ambiguity:

After we close our eyes
forever and evermore,
how full of regrets
and remorse I shall still be
at the moment of the last goodbye
and shall be gone with my sorrow.

silencedsilenced    Duminică, 27/09/2020 - 21:20

The rule being (in layman's terms): the time complement should be moved at the end of the context it applies to. Am I right?

almondcroissant56almondcroissant56    Duminică, 27/09/2020 - 01:38

This is a great translation, and it shows you understood the song/poem well, since you're a native speaker of French. After the things that Sarah Rose suggested, all I would suggest is for the last 3 verbs in the third verse (t'appelerai, te trouverai, te garderai) to be expressed a little briefer in this translation because that's how they are in the original. So as an example: "call out your name --> call for you/call you". But if you don't agree then that's fine, it's still a very pretty and well formed translation!

silencedsilenced    Duminică, 27/09/2020 - 01:45

Thank you very much.
I agree it would be better to shorten the end. I'll see what I can do.

silencedsilenced    Duminică, 27/09/2020 - 19:10

I fixed most of it. How does it look now?

Sarah RoseSarah Rose    Duminică, 27/09/2020 - 21:17

It looks great, the only thing I see is that there's still a sentence fragment in the first stanza.

I would combine the lines like this unless that's not what's there in French:

And should I bring up memories,
they will only kindle the pain,
for we locked down our hearts
forever and evermore

silencedsilenced    Luni, 28/09/2020 - 07:48

Good idea. It's hard to tell how the French was originally written, but both variants are quite possible. A little break can also sound nice, depending on how it's sung. But when reading it, I prefer something more flowing.

Sarah RoseSarah Rose    Luni, 28/09/2020 - 18:07

I see. It isn't possible in English to leave them separated (or at least it's not grammatically correct) so it would detract from the quality of the poetic writing.

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