Jokes/Aνέκδοτα

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Эксперт
<a href="/ru/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1387945">Jadis </a>
Регистрация: 01.07.2018

The European hunter in Africa :
- Tell me, Mamadou, what's that game I just hit ?
- Dunno, boss, he says he's called Perkins.

The same hunter came in front of a lion. In panic, he fell on his knees and exclaimed :
- For God's sake, please behave in a Christian manner !
So the lion joined his paws, looked up at the sky, and said :
- Oh Lord, please bless the meal I'm going to have.

Эксперт Ἐλέῳ Θεοῦ Βασιλεὺς Ῥωμανίας
<a href="/ru/translator/padim7gr" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1391611">padim7gr </a>
Регистрация: 01.08.2018

True story

My brother lives in R. Croatia and we were out with a Croat friend of his. Our conversation reached the point where we were discussing about soft drinks and my brother remembered the regionally famous "Cockta", but he didn't pronounce it as "kokta", but rather... in Croatian (as "tsotskta") and the poor girl burst into laughter :D

Эксперт
<a href="/ru/translator/evipar" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1356668">Evi_Par </a>
Регистрация: 03.10.2017
Эксперт Ἐλέῳ Θεοῦ Βασιλεὺς Ῥωμανίας
<a href="/ru/translator/padim7gr" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1391611">padim7gr </a>
Регистрация: 01.08.2018

Buona serata! :)

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<a href="/ru/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1208934">makis17 </a>
Регистрация: 31.05.2014
The Bride wrote:

Βλακειες...

Ποιό;
Αυτό που έγραψα;

Эксперт Ἐλέῳ Θεοῦ Βασιλεὺς Ῥωμανίας
<a href="/ru/translator/padim7gr" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1391611">padim7gr </a>
Регистрация: 01.08.2018

Chillax...

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<a href="/ru/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1208934">makis17 </a>
Регистрация: 31.05.2014

Αυτό που είπα για το google+;
Γιατί δεν έκανες παράθεση να είναι αντιληπτό;
Και γιατί κάνεις like αφού διαφωνείς;

Эксперт
<a href="/ru/translator/evipar" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1356668">Evi_Par </a>
Регистрация: 03.10.2017

χιλια συγγνωμη δεν το ειδα καν.... :(

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<a href="/ru/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1208934">makis17 </a>
Регистрация: 31.05.2014
The Bride wrote:

Ετσι. *give_rose*

Καλά Mary M.

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<a href="/ru/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1208934">makis17 </a>
Регистрация: 31.05.2014

Μια γυναίκα βρίσκει ένα λυχνάρι, στο οποίο φυσικά υπήρχε το γνωστό τζίνι. Της είπε λοιπόν, ότι μπορεί να κάνει τρεις ευχές, τις οποίες θα πραγματοποιούσε αμέσως. Από αυτά που θα ευχόταν όμως, το τζίνι θα έδινε στον σύζυγό της τα δεκαπλάσια. Πρώτη ευχή της γυναίκας, να γίνει κούκλα, πανέμορφη, να μην γεράσει ποτέ, έτσι κι έγινε. Το τζίνι όμως έδωσε και στον άντρα της, δέκα κουκλάρες γυναίκες. Δεύτερη ευχή, να γίνει πάμπλουτη, να αποκτήσει τεράστια περιουσία. Το τζίνι όμως έδωσε δεκαπλάσια περιουσία στον άντρα της. Σκέφτεται λοιπόν την τρίτη ευχή της και λέει στο τζίνι: "θέλω να μου δώσεις, ένα μικρούλι εγκεφαλικό!"

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<a href="/ru/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1208934">makis17 </a>
Регистрация: 31.05.2014

Είναι η πρώτη σου φορά. Καθώς ξαπλώνεις πίσω οι μύες σου σφίγγουν. Προσπαθείς να τον κάνεις να καθυστερήσει ψάχνοντας για δικαιολογία, αλλά αυτός δεν πτοείται καθώς σε πλησιάζει. Ρωτάει αν φοβάσαι κι εσύ κουνάς το κεφάλι αρνητικά. Έχει μεγαλύτερη εμπειρία, αλλά είναι η πρώτη φορά που το δάχτυλό του βρίσκει το σωστό μέρος. Το βάζει πιο βαθιά κι εσύ ανατριχιάζεις. Το σώμα σου τεντώνεται, αλλά αυτός είναι ευγενικός όπως ακριβώς υποσχέθηκε! Σε κοιτάει βαθιά στα μάτια και σου ζητάει να τον εμπιστευτείς - το έχει ξανακάνει πολλές φορές. Το ψύχραιμο χαμόγελό του σε ηρεμεί καθώς ανοίγεις διάπλατα για να του δώσεις περισσότερο χώρο για ευκολότερη είσοδο. Αρχίζεις να τον παρακαλάς να βιαστεί, αλλά αυτός προχωράει πολύ αργά, θέλοντας να σου προκαλέσει όσο το δυνατόν λιγότερο πόνο. Καθώς πιέζει κοντύτερα, προχωρώντας βαθύτερα, αισθάνεσαι τον ιστό να υποχωρεί. Ο πόνος διαπερνάει ολόκληρο το σώμα σου και αισθάνεσαι λίγο αίμα να τρέχει καθώς εκείνος συνεχίζει. Δείχνει ανήσυχος και σε ρωτάει αν πονάει πολύ... Τα μάτια σου γεμίζουν δάκρυα καθώς κουνάς το κεφάλι αρνητικά και τον παροτρύνεις να συνεχίσει. Αρχίζει να μπαινοβγαίνει με τέχνη αλλά το μούδιασμα σε κάνει να μην τον αισθάνεσαι μέσα σου. Μετά από μερικές ξέφρενες στιγμές, αισθάνεσαι μια έκρηξη μέσα σου καθώς εκείνος το τραβάει έξω. Ακόμα ανάσκελα, αναπνέεις λαχανιασμένα, όλο χαρά που τελείωσε. Σε κοιτάει και με ένα ζεστό χαμόγελο σε ρωτάει αν αισθάνεσαι καλά και σε διαβεβαιώνει ότι τώρα θα είναι πολύ καλύτερα από πριν. Εσύ τον ευχαριστείς λέγοντάς του πόσο καλός οδοντογιατρός είναι. Ήταν, βλέπεις, η πρώτη φορά που σου έκαναν εξαγωγή δοντιού!

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<a href="/ru/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1208934">makis17 </a>
Регистрация: 31.05.2014
Evi_Par wrote:

χιλια συγγνωμη δεν το ειδα καν.... :(

Aσυγχώρητη.. :P

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<a href="/ru/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1208934">makis17 </a>
Регистрация: 31.05.2014

-Αγάπη μου, η κόρη μας έχασε το πρώτο της δόντι!!
-Το ξέρω, δεν θα αγγίξει το playstation μου ξανά.

Эксперт
<a href="/ru/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1387945">Jadis </a>
Регистрация: 01.07.2018

What's black, dangerous, and sits on a branch ?
A raven holding a machine-gun.

Мастер
<a href="/ru/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

Or
Trump. His soul is black, his actions are dangerous, and he sits in the executive branch.

But I imagine that will reduce the joking part...

Мастер
<a href="/ru/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

A man in a supermarket noticed an attractive woman who suddenly waved her hand to him ...
She approached him and said: "Hello!"
In front of him stood an attractive brown-haired woman with long hair and green eyes. He was just taken aback because he could not remember where he saw her.
Therefore, he asked: "Do you know me?"
To which the woman answered him: “Yes! You are the father of one of my children! ”
The man mentally went to the only time when he cheated on his wife.
"Oh my God! I remembered! You are the same stripper with whom I had sex on the billiard table, and all my buddies watched as your partner whipped me on the buttocks with raw celery and waved it in front of the cue? ”
She looked at him and calmly replied: "No, I am your son's class teacher."
Happy New Year !!!

Мастер
<a href="/ru/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

My birthday (not personally mine. Lol)
I awoke joyfully and hurried to shower. Smiling I walked into the kitchen wondering what gift my wife has for me.
She did not even remember to wish me a happy birthday.
Well, I thought to myself, children will remember. But children also forgot.

You can imagine how I felt when I drove to work.
But when I entered my office, my assistant Julia tenderly said:
- good morning, chief. Happy birthday!

And I felt much better. In the afternoon, Julia knocked on my door and said:
- chief, let's have dinner together - after all, it's your birthday!
After the third martini, Julia said:
— Chief, let's go to my place. We don't have much on our plate at work and after all, it's your birthday!

When we got there, Julia said:
— Chief, why don't you sit on the sofa while I change into something more comfortable.
In five minutes the door opened again and Julia walked in with a candlelit cake.

She was followed by my wife, kids, mother-in-law, colleagues, and friends.
I was sitting naked on the sofa with a single thought running through my brain -
I will fire the bitch!

Эксперт
<a href="/ru/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1387945">Jadis </a>
Регистрация: 01.07.2018

"According to statistics, one people out of five is mentally disturbed.. If there are four people around you and they look normal, that's not good."
(Jean-Claude Van Damme, actor, producer and philosopher)

Мастер
<a href="/ru/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

Jean-Claude is a philosopher? Learn something new every day.

Мастер
<a href="/ru/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

I know. I saved it and will translate - it is too long to do it now. I should have saved it in draft but I forgot it isn't an option here.

Модератор в отставке
<a href="/ru/translator/aldefina" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1152070">Aldefina </a>
Регистрация: 16.01.2013

Some do understand, I'm afraid it's a different story with jokes in Greek. ;)

Мастер
<a href="/ru/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

Darling Bride, tis for you:

Practice is when everything works, but it is not clear how.
Theory is when everything is clear, but nothing works.
But still, sometimes theory and practice are combined: nothing works and nothing is clear.

Супер Участник Keep To Yourself
<a href="/ru/translator/makis17" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1208934">makis17 </a>
Регистрация: 31.05.2014

What does an owl with attitude have?
A scowl!

Эксперт
<a href="/ru/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1387945">Jadis </a>
Регистрация: 01.07.2018

Kind of.

Мастер
<a href="/ru/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

Lol, because you were strict about your rule and this joke popped into my head. It is how my mind works... I loved your poems. Fix electricity - tiny typo

Banned User
<a href="/ru/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat </a>
Регистрация: 16.12.2017

LOL, guys, you might consider to split this thread to “Ελληνικά ανέκδοτα”, “Анекдоты русскоговорящих”, “English jokes”, “Translated to predefined list of languages, but still remaining funny in all of them” and “All genders appropriate phrases” :)

Мастер
<a href="/ru/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

Eh - NO! I like it here. I asked for permission to do English jokes and queen Maria (the other one) granted it. Russians know their jokes, but I got another brain exercise to find a joke in Russian and translate it. Soo, don't ruin a good thing for me. Lol

Banned User
<a href="/ru/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat </a>
Регистрация: 16.12.2017

Haha, Deanna, we do:
— Почему сперма в банке спермы стоит дороже, чем кровь в банке крови? — Ручная работа...
— Why sperm in the sperm bank is more expensive than blood in the blood bank? — Because it is hand made...

Мастер
<a href="/ru/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

Because I was born and raised in Odessa. Black Sea is in my soul. I used to sing to it when I was small. I used to save money so I could go on a ferry almost every day taking people from the port to several beaches and never tire of it. Some of my best memories are of my father and I swimming to the wave breakers, diving for crabs. We used to have a summer place on one of those beaches and I grew up with many wonderful people who loved sea, loved art and music and gifted me with the ability to see and hear even though I possess neither musical nor painting skills. Some were famous people that nobody would picture sitting listening to a girl who loved to sing but was awful at it. Since you want to teach, this is the best you could do in the future: support and nurture so your students can find their way. Oh, yes, as I said before, people in Odessa love jokes and so there were tons of anecdotes: politically incorrect, risqué, self-deprecating...

And because BRIDE was already taken?

Эксперт
<a href="/ru/translator/jadis" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1387945">Jadis </a>
Регистрация: 01.07.2018

Two Hungarian mathematicians decide to make a contest : which one will find the greatest number ?
The first one thinks, thinks, and finally says: Three!
The second one thinks, thinks, and, exhausted, declares: OK, you won.

(If you're Hungarian, just change the nationality of the mathematicians).

Banned User
<a href="/ru/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat </a>
Регистрация: 16.12.2017

Прости, прощай Одесса-мама
This was not a joke, but a touchy moment

Мастер
<a href="/ru/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

Forgive me for Russian but this is untranslatable.

- Слушай, мне сейчас одна пишет: "Щас лифчик".
Спрашиваю: что - купила, потеряла, мал?
Оказалось, что "щаслифчик"- это я.

Редактор
<a href="/ru/translator/andrew-parfen" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1328416">Andrew Parfen <div class="editor_icon" title="Éditeur" ></div></a>
Регистрация: 19.02.2017

The first lines sounds to me exactly like the begining of the movie "The Prince of Tides" based on the novel by Pat Conroy, which I LOVE!

Мастер
<a href="/ru/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

Одесса.
- Мадам, мне нужно от Вас лишь выпить, переспать и обсудить Достоевского.
- Боже, я как за Достоевского услышала… подумала… грех не переспать с таким интеллигентным человеком.

Odessa.
- Madam, what I want from you is drink, sleep with you, and discuss Dostoyevsky
- my god, when I heard Dostoyevsky...I thought...it is a sin not to sleep with such an intellectual

Мастер
<a href="/ru/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

Pure original by yours truly

Гуру
<a href="/ru/translator/polinask" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1252626">polina_sk </a>
Регистрация: 10.07.2015

Вы и сейчас там? Тогда привет Одессе!

Мастер
<a href="/ru/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

After the robbery of the Odessa bank, 2 million were missing from the safe.
Banks director tells reporters: Write that 3 million were stolen from the bank. Let the bastard explain THAT at home!

Banned User
<a href="/ru/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat </a>
Регистрация: 16.12.2017

Real life “not” joke for ones who understand English and Russian (sorry Greeks) :
My daughter thought that лифчик (a bra) is «листик» = a little leaf

Модератор and Incorrigable
<a href="/ru/translator/ww-ww" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1294288">Ww Ww <div class="moderator_icon" title="Moderator/in" ></div></a>
Регистрация: 03.06.2016

:D

Редактор / Francophony
<a href="/ru/translator/gavin" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1222803">Gavin <div class="editor_icon" title="Editor" ></div></a>
Регистрация: 14.10.2014

I don't remember that gospel. I really should have paid more attention in Sunday school ;)

Banned User
<a href="/ru/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat </a>
Регистрация: 16.12.2017

Whatever Bible, it was a child speaking :)

Редактор / Francophony
<a href="/ru/translator/gavin" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1222803">Gavin <div class="editor_icon" title="Editor" ></div></a>
Регистрация: 14.10.2014

Culottée !

Модератор and Incorrigable
<a href="/ru/translator/ww-ww" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1294288">Ww Ww <div class="moderator_icon" title="Moderator/in" ></div></a>
Регистрация: 03.06.2016

:D

Мастер
<a href="/ru/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

Do you recall the lecture explaining male mentality by practicing the following suggestions?
- darling, if you are cold, come closer, I will embrace you
- darling, if you are hot, just take off your clothes

Banned User
<a href="/ru/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat </a>
Регистрация: 16.12.2017

Oh, well men, it is not about the leaf to cover your parts ;)

Banned User
<a href="/ru/translator/igeethecat" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1365086">Igeethecat </a>
Регистрация: 16.12.2017

And if you would translate Gavin’s French, please

Мастер
<a href="/ru/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

Oh, you can guess? Impertinently? Lol

Редактор / Francophony
<a href="/ru/translator/gavin" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1222803">Gavin <div class="editor_icon" title="Editor" ></div></a>
Регистрация: 14.10.2014

Oh I'm just messing about. Culotte means knickers/panties, but culotté means cheeky. So I was calling The Bride 'Cheeky'. ;)

Редактор / Francophony
<a href="/ru/translator/gavin" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1222803">Gavin <div class="editor_icon" title="Editor" ></div></a>
Регистрация: 14.10.2014

Naughty rather than bad :)

Мастер
<a href="/ru/translator/blacksea4ever" class="userpopupinfo" rel="user1390089">BlackSea4ever </a>
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

Yes, sir!

Salt of life is that it is not sugar

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