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Jokes/Aνέκδοτα

367 сообщений / 0 новых
Super Member
Регистрация: 16.12.2017

Просто не могу удержаться

Учительница математики спрашивает Вовочку:
— Вовочка, представь себе: у тебя есть двести долларов. Пятьдесят ты отдашь Машеньке, пятьдесят — Леночке, и еще пятьдесят — Танечке. Что у тебя будет?
Вовочка, мечтательно глядя в потолок: — У меня будет такая оргия...

Насчёт оргии, конечно!

Регистрация: 01.02.2018

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date

Black Mamba
Регистрация: 03.10.2015

I say it for the last time: only in english!

Editor .
Регистрация: 09.10.2018
Igeethecat a écrit :

Просто не могу удержаться

Учительница математики спрашивает Вовочку:
— Вовочка, представь себе: у тебя есть двести долларов. Пятьдесят ты отдашь Машеньке, пятьдесят — Леночке, и еще пятьдесят — Танечке. Что у тебя будет?
Вовочка, мечтательно глядя в потолок: — У меня будет такая оргия...!

A math teacher asks John: "Johnny, picture this: you've got $200. You give $50 to Kathy, then $50 to Betty, and then $50 to Daisy. What have you got in the end?"
Johnny, gazing dreamingly at the ceiling: "A hell of an orgy..."

Black Mamba
Регистрация: 03.10.2015

That was clever. I will say the rule for the last time: only in english for now on, ok? It's the international language. Thanks, sweeties! Kiss
Regular smile

Editor .
Регистрация: 09.10.2018

Так точно, товарищ лейтенант!1

  • 1. Yes, sir, yes, sirree!
Keep To Yourself
Регистрация: 31.05.2014
The Bride a écrit :

I say it for the last time: only in english!

www.newsbeast.gr/files/1/2013/02/01/helen1.jpg

Moderator — I need to watch you go!
Регистрация: 10.07.2011
The Bride a écrit :

That was clever. I will say the rule for the last time: only in english for now on, ok? It's the international language. Thanks, sweeties! Kiss
Regular smile

Funny when the topic has its first page totally in Greek.

Super Member
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

Guys, stay out of trouble or queen Bride will banish us. Board was opened for Greek jokes until I tagged along.
I love it here so use jokes in any language and translate into English or Greek. So it was ordained...lol

Super Member
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

And given you are French, please translate this song I added - Opium

Editor .
Регистрация: 09.10.2018
BlackSea4ever a écrit :

And given you are French, please translate this song I added - Opium

Так точ... Err.. Yes, ma'am!

I'm afraid of my earthenware dreams
that burn in silence in my head
on endless fields of stone.
And I'm thinking [of]
The body extatic in his1 body
The dark prayers of the dead
I use my mind by way of scenery
and I sleep.
And the wind carries me into the wool
of African fabric and dresses.
I'm sliding on a Bohemia carpet.
Farewell
to the glass shards under my feet.
[they] will never be able to reflect
the sound of enchanted violins. Dreaming

  • 1. or "its", it's either about her lover or the body itself. "dans" really means "inside", which doesn't make much sense either way, but I suppose it could be understood as two lovers embraced
Keep To Yourself
Регистрация: 31.05.2014

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

Editor .
Регистрация: 09.10.2018

A little boy peers through his sister's window and sees her rubbing her bosom in front of her mirror, moaning "I need a man! I need a man!".
And shortly after, there is a knock on the door and, to the boy's great amazement, a man enters the room and hurries to draw the curtains.
The little boy rushes to his own room, stands in front of his mirror and rubs his chest moaning "I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Soldier of Love
Регистрация: 12.03.2017

Okay - let's see if this joke works in English:

Barack Obama, George W. Bush and Donald Trump have died and gone to heaven.
God asks Obama: „What do you believe in?“
Obama answers: „I believe in democracy, helping the poor and peace for everybody!“
God says: „Very well, sit to my left. So tell me, George – what do you believe in?“
Bush answers: „I believe in free trade, my people and a strong America!“
God says: „So come to my right. And Donald, what’s your belief?“
Trump answers: „I believe, that you’re sitting in my chair!“

Super Member
Регистрация: 16.12.2017

Никто не задумывался, почему в русском языке х@ево — это очень плохо, а п@здато — очень хорошо, при том, что ох@енно — лучше чем п@здато, а хуже чем х@ево может быть только п%%%%ц?

Have anyone thought why in Russian @evo - is very bad, but #ato - is very good, giving that o@enno - is better than #ato, and worse than @evo can be only complete ##ets?

Super Member
Регистрация: 16.12.2017

— Маша, а давай уже по взрослому?!
— Давай, Петя.
— Мария Петровна!!!
— Петр Сергеевич!!!

— Cindy, let’s do it like adults do!
— Ok, John, let’s do.
— Miss Cindy!!!
— Mister John!!!

Editor .
Регистрация: 09.10.2018

I know no other language where d@ck and c@nt have been derived into a dozen adjectives and adverbs whose meanings range from "very bad" to "very good" Teeth smile

Super Member
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

It took me forever to reconstruct the words, but ох@енно

Super Member
Регистрация: 16.12.2017

No sh#t Teeth smile

Super Member
Регистрация: 26.06.2017

Ioane, i find you guilty of crime ! ...You killed the wife of yours when you catched her in the bed with ya neighbour ..
I though have a question for you : "Why her, and not the bastard of a neighbour !?
Well , your honor , i better kill only one woman , one time , than killin' a man every week

Two ex class coleagues talkin : "my husband died after 3 weeks after marryin me "
Well...at least he didn't had lonlgy time to suffer :)))

What difference is between my mother in law and my dog !>?
Well , my dog only barks at strangers

Super Member
Регистрация: 26.06.2017
anna gül a écrit :

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date

What a shitty day i had , My ex wife got runned by the buss
And where to say more , that my driving licence was taken , and also i got fired by the Drivin Company

Not sayin that my wife , would be some insatiable fatty , but at night She's using the fridge light as a night-light

When i see names of lovers , curved on trees , it doesn't seem though so romantic to me ...
I find it strange, that so many peeps are goin on the date with the knife on them

wanna hear an old Chinesse sayin!? "A dog that barks ///.....is a dog that isn't fried enough

Регистрация: 01.02.2018

mdrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr *lol* *lol*

Radu Robert a écrit :
anna gül a écrit :

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date

What a shitty day i had , My ex wife got runned by the buss
And where to say more , that my driving licence was taken , and also i got fired by the Drivin Company

Not sayin that my wife , would be some insatiable fatty , but at night She's using the fridge light as a night-light

When i see names of lovers , curved on trees , it doesn't seem though so romantic to me ...
I find it strange, that so many peeps are goin on the date with the knife on them

wanna hear an old Chinesse sayin!? "A dog that barks ///.....is a dog that isn't fried enough

i just find this one now Regular smile
Police: Where do you live?
Me: I live with my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: They live with me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: It is next to my neighbours‘ house.
Police: Where is your neighbours‘ house?
Me: I‘ll tell you but you won‘t believe me.
Police: Tell me…
Me: It is next to my house…

Super Member
Регистрация: 26.06.2017
anna gül a écrit :

mdrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr *lol* *lol*

Radu Robert a écrit :
anna gül a écrit :

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date

What a shitty day i had , My ex wife got runned by the buss
And where to say more , that my driving licence was taken , and also i got fired by the Drivin Company

Not sayin that my wife , would be some insatiable fatty , but at night She's using the fridge light as a night-light

When i see names of lovers , curved on trees , it doesn't seem though so romantic to me ...
I find it strange, that so many peeps are goin on the date with the knife on them

wanna hear an old Chinesse sayin!? "A dog that barks ///.....is a dog that isn't fried enough

i just find this one now Regular smile
Police: Where do you live?
Me: I live with my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: They live with me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: It is next to my neighbours‘ house.
Police: Where is your neighbours‘ house?
Me: I‘ll tell you but you won‘t believe me.
Police: Tell me…
Me: It is next to my house…

Lmaooo

And where would your house be !?
It is next to my neighbour , neighbours
And where is your neighbour neighbours house ... :)))))))))

A priest , stops seeing a prostitute he says
"My dear girl, you're on the wrong "path"
How comes so !? ?Isn't this the centure of Bucharest!?

Today the priest from our church oficiated the midnight christmas mass ...
FRom such a long time i didn't felt anymore so good ..Prolly 'cause i didn't participated

After it marries them , the priest face the groom and says: God's with you , The lady's (goes) with me !

Super Member
Регистрация: 01.07.2018

I can't guess why I should mailto ох@енно not what I should tell him (or her). I hardly know that person.

Black Mamba
Регистрация: 03.10.2015

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”
-"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

Super Member
Регистрация: 16.12.2017

- Циля! Шо ж ви не спрашиваете, как я живу?
- Роза, как ви живете?
- Ой, Циля, и не спрашивайте!

- John, why haven’t you asked me how am I doing?
- How are you doing, Cindy?
- Oh, John, don’t even ask!

=========

— Ты лгала мне!
— Скажем так - я экономила правду.

— You were lying to me!
— Let’s put it this way - I was saving the truth.

Super Member
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

It was ascertained that most vitamins can be found in... Pharmacy.

М,
Found this accidentally, took me a while to get jokes. E.g.: Есть и пить.
Once I got it, could not stop laughing.
To watch it, you need both Russian and Ukrainian https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=h-8_k0ppgSU

Soldier of Love
Регистрация: 12.03.2017

This joke is nothing for folks that get offended easily - just don't read if you're prude.

Two men got lost in the woods and it’s already dark. Finally they see a light and find a house. They knock on the door. An old lady opens. One of the men says: “We are lost, thirsty, hungry and tired.” The old lady starts grinning and says: “Well, well, the two of you can have something to eat and I have a stable, where you can sleep in the hay, but first of all one of you has to have sex with me.” The two start discussing and decide to draw lots. So, one of the men goes with the old lady into her bedroom while the other one is waiting outside. In the corner of the bedroom there is a dried flower arrangement with some corn cobs in it. He grabs one of those and pretends having sex with her. After she’s satisfied, he throws the corn cob out of the window. The old lady prepares them something to eat. He comes out with the food and says to his friend: “I’m good and look what I’ve got here!” His friend answers: “Yeah, you might be good, but I’m not that hungry anymore. While I was sitting beneath the window there came a corn on the knob flying out there – and there was even butter on it.”

Super Member
Регистрация: 26.06.2017

My wife accidentally runned over a cat with the car ...
Poor little cat, she was sleeping on the couch m in the kitchen :))

My mother in law got upset , cause i was too quiet when i last seen her , ...AS if there would exist any naive fool , planning a strangulation , voiced out loud

Girls what you plan to do for Hallowen !? YOu'll remove ya make up!?

The experts says that the most beautiful smile in the world is the one of Mona Lisa ..
It is clear they didn't see mine , when my mother in law died

Alinuta , watch out the hat of your little sys not to fall ...
Alinuta:" Nahh , not a chance , i nailed it

Super Member
Регистрация: 26.06.2017

What a Cop says to a condom !?
"Cover me , i'm going in! "

Q What it means for a kid , 2 cops and a dog ?
A 2 Fools and an inteligent being

What's the difference between a friend and an enemy !?
A A friend is hardly earned , while enemyes you create without will

What's the difference between an old man that had taken the Viagra and one that hasn't got it yet!?
The one that got it , he hopes to still live , and the one that will get it , Lives in hope :)))))

Super Member
Регистрация: 01.07.2018

A poor beggar goes from farm to farm, asking for food. To incite the farmer wives to pity, he holds in his hand a piece of old bread spread with dried dung.
- Oh my poor fellow, that's all you got to eat?
- Alas, Madam, so do I...
(The farmer wife, opening the door of the barn):
- Now my good man, there you will find plenty of fresh one.

Super Member
Регистрация: 19.02.2017

Two dogs are pasing by a butcher's shop with a sign at the door "Dogs are not admitted".
Dog 1: Butcher's shop! Lets drop in!
Dog 2: Don't you see there is a sign "Dogs are not admitted"?
Dog 1: Common, how would they know that we can read?

I know, it was a silly one... Teeth smile

Black Mamba
Регистрация: 03.10.2015

Blonde: What does IDK stand for?
Brunette: I don’t know
Blonde: Why doesn’t anyone know!

Soldier of Love
Регистрация: 12.03.2017

Do you know why Stevie Wonder loves bagles with poopy seeds on them?
He always likes those funny stories...

An elephant asks a camel: "Why do you have your tits on your back?"
"What stupid question is this for someone having his dick on his face!"

Being younger I hated going to weddings. Both of my grandmas and my aunts always poked me with their fingers, laughing and saying: "You're next! You're next!" They only stoped after I did the same to them at funerals.

Super Member
Регистрация: 03.10.2017

Πάει τώρα ο Ζαν-Κλωντ Βαν-Νταμ, που έμεινε από λάστιχο σε ένα συνεργείο αυτοκινήτων που βρίσκει. Όμως είναι κλειστό, καθώς είναι μεσάνυχτα, οπότε αναγκάζεται να χτυπήσει την πόρτα. Χτυπάει λοιπόν την πόρτα, οπότε ακούει ένα τύπο να ρωτάει:
-Ποιος είναι;
-Ζαν-Κλωντ Βαν-Νταμ, απαντάει ο Ζαν-Κλωντ.
-Ησυχία μην κατέβω κάτω και σας πλακώσω και τους τέσσερις,του απαντά...

Super Member
Регистрация: 03.10.2017

-Έναν ελληνικό σκέτο παρακαλώ.

-Τι εννοείτε σκέτο;

-Εννοώ χωρίς φλιτζάνι, ρίξτο κατευθείαν στο στόμα μου απ' το μπρίκι.

Super Member
Регистрация: 26.06.2017

Q: Why at top of a blonde bed is written big an "A"!?
A: for her to not forget his sayin, when makin sex

What is big but also lil' , and what is solid but also soft!? the doughnut it'll be (know you think afar ' :))

You have little hearts , engraved with "For my one and only love " ?
Yes we have !
Nice , give me 15 of them!

Black Mamba
Регистрация: 03.10.2015

What is red, thin and you put it in your mouth?

A lipstick Tongue smile

Black Mamba
Регистрация: 03.10.2015

I write the number 3259908644226800874312, you dismiss it and you didn't even notice that l have write a letter among the numbers...

I didn't but you got back and checked. Tongue smile

Super Member
Регистрация: 26.06.2017

What's the difference between a mother in law and a flea?

The flea is gettin on your nerves only in Summer time !

Santa Claus in visit to Alinuta:
-If you give me a lil kiss i give you one doll
Alinuta - But if i give ya a blo*job , ya give me all the sack?

Super Member
Регистрация: 26.06.2017
The Bride a écrit :

I write the number 3259908644226800874312, you dismiss it and you didn't even notice that l have write a letter among the numbers...

I didn't but you got back and checked. Tongue smile

I know i did :))

Editor .
Регистрация: 09.10.2018
Andrew Parfen a écrit :

Two dogs are pasing by a butcher's shop with a sign at the door "Dogs are not admitted".
Dog 1: Butcher's shop! Lets drop in!
Dog 2: Don't you see there is a sign "Dogs are not admitted"?
Dog 1: Common, how would they know that we can read?

I know, it was a silly one... Teeth smile

Not at all! Best joke of the day, in my opinion. Like my favourite:

A guy sees a buddy of his playing poker with a dog
- Wow, your dog can play poker, that's amazing!
- Pah, each time he gets a good hand, the idiot can't help but wag his tail...

Super Member
Регистрация: 01.07.2018

Can't remember the last time I put a lipstick into my mouth.

Soldier of Love
Регистрация: 12.03.2017

I rarely listen to the radio - but I really liked what I heard this morning:

"The Germans top role model is Barak Obama. I can relate to that - to retire after working 8 years..."

Super Member
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

Joke is on us...
Like the typical American, the president of the United States is on salary. Unlike the typical American worker, who brings in about $44,564 a year, the president is paid $400,000 a year, plus an extra expense allowance of $50,000 a year, a $100,000 non-taxable travel account and $19,000 for entertainment.

And
Former presidents receive a pension equal to the pay that the head of an executive department (Executive Level I) would be paid, as of 2017, $207,800 per year. The pension begins immediately after a president's departure from office.

--- obviously, this post does not account for Trump stealing millions in other ways like security for him and his, traveling to Florida, charging government for security personnel using his golf carts... The scale of thievery is grand.
Russians had a great joke: if to steal - a million (old currency, lol), if to kiss (without permission) - then, a queen

Editor .
Регистрация: 09.10.2018

Don't get me started on this, or else...

And when the good times return and Georges gets his bonus back, the taxes he pays will help fund the public services that the rest of you scroungers depend on...

Moderator and Incorrigable
Регистрация: 03.06.2016

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yq7FKO5DlV0&start_radio=1&list=RDYq7FKO5...
Genesis - Land of Confusion (dated, but still humorous.)

Super Member
Регистрация: 19.07.2018

Haha! It would be even funnier if we just didn't give a humaaangous tax give away to top 2% of scrounges, but it is entirely possible Georges didn't get any - it went to their bosses.

Black Mamba
Регистрация: 03.10.2015

What's big, you put it between your legs and play with it?

- A cello. Tongue smile

Soldier of Love
Регистрация: 12.03.2017

A man was asked how he managed to stay married for 50 years now. This is what he told:
“After our wedding we went for our honeymoon to Mexico. We were riding donkeys. But my wife had a stubborn donkey and it stopped in the middle of the road. She got off the donkey and said: “One” – “Two” – pulled out a gun, said “three” and shot it.
I said: “Don’t you think you’ve overreacted?”
She answered: “One”!
I said: “Come on, you’re kidding!”
She said: “Two”
After that I said no more."

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