While I do believe that this translation is better than the former, there are a couple of mistakes.
"Von jeder nur das schönste Teil" means "each part will be only the most beautiful ones".
For "Ich bin meines Glückes Schmied", you translated it "I am the architect of my own fortune" and the other translator with "I am my own happiness".
It translates literally to "I am my happiness smith." (or: the smith of my own happiness). Personally, I like the literal translation the most, "I am the smith of my own happiness". But "I am my own happiness" sounds better and makes more sense than your translation, in my opinion.
Fixed a few mistakes in the previous, nothing major.