Озарение
In the Stars
1. | Әлия (Aliya) |
2. | Атамекен (Аtаmeken ) |
3. | Любовь настала (Lyubov' nastala) |
Hi Oleg! Nice translation. Just a bit of nitpicking for old time's sake, if you don't mind?
We have never met each other -> you can safely delete "each other" for a lighter sentence
never heard my voice yet -> People can say that, but "never" and "yet" are redundant, so that sounds a bit unrefined, like casual spoken English.
"you haven't heard my voice yet" maybe?
"you are yet to hear my voice" could work too, but that might sound unnatural or over the top.
Thunder will strike in my destiny -> I agree with Maria, this does not sound as good as the Russian.
Thunder is just a noise, it would rather "clap" when lighting strikes, and then "rumble". So the equivalent of a "lightning strike" would be a "clap of thunder"
"a clap of thunder over my destiny"... This sounds over the top to me. Maybe one case of Russian being more able to express emotional metaphors?
"A strike of lightning in my life" or "lightning striking my very life", maybe?
The kind sun -> rather "a kind sun", as in "an imaginary instance of the real sun"
lit up in the stars -> sounds a bit like the houses are hanging in the cosmos.
"lit up by the stars" or "basking in starlight" for something more poetic, as if the houses were surrounded by light?
My love doesn't sleep -> I suppose the idea is similar to Okudzhava's beautiful "Часовые любви у Никитских не спят..."?
I don't think the English conveys the same feeling.
"My love is ever watchful" or something like that, maybe?
Only Pierre has time to nitpick so precisely :)
Totally agree, but I wanted to be nice and don’t disturb Oleg too much
А он даже молнию не страйкнул
Всё, умываю руки, пока Франция нам тут революцию не устроила :)
I would just go with “lightning bolt stroke my destiny”
Beat my stubborn Russian, dah.
struck?
Ну да, stupid iPad
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Oleg, this is an English translation, not Russian :)
Nice one :)
Я только к грому попридираюсь
Thunder will strike — thunder thunders, the lightening strikes, гром гремит здесь, конечно, в переносном смысле, как образное выражение, но вы же всё равно не сказали бы «гром сверкает» или «молния гремит», правда?