Хожу по прошлому | Khozhu po proshlomu (превод на енглески)

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Хожу по прошлому | Khozhu po proshlomu

Хожу по прошлому, брожу, как археолог.
Наклейку, марку нахожу, стекла осколок. ...
Тебя нетронутой, живой, вполне реальной,
весь полон музыкою той вполне печальной.
 
И проплывают облака, и скоро вечер,
и тянется твоя рука моей навстречу.
Растворяются во мгле дворы и зданья.
И ты бледнеешь в темноте — мое созданье,
 
то, кем я жил и кем я жив в эпохе дальней.
И все печальнее мотив, и все печальней.
 
Поставио/ла: BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever У: Петак, 13/12/2019 - 15:04
Last edited by FloppylouFloppylou on Четвртак, 26/12/2019 - 08:16
Коментари подносиоца:

музыка: А.Крамаренко
стихи: Борис Рыжий

превод на енглескиенглески
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Roving in the past [ˈrəʊvɪŋ in ði: pɑːst]

Верзије: #1#2#3
Walk through the past,
Rove like a treasure hunter.
A sticker, stamp I find, a piece of glass…
 
You're .....untouched… alive, quite real.
All full of melody… that… quite sad.
 
And float clouds…and soon the evening.
And stretches your palm to mine…. for touching.
 
And melting in the dark the bridges and towers.
And you grow pale, my creature.
 
With whom I lived, and with whom I live in era-long-ago.
And more sorrowful the tune, more sorrowful.
 
Хвала!
захваљено 2 пута
Поставио/ла: Vera AlxVera Alx У: Четвртак, 26/12/2019 - 12:19
Last edited by Vera AlxVera Alx on Субота, 11/01/2020 - 17:57
Коментари
BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Субота, 28/12/2019 - 08:50

Vera, thanks for the translation. Welcome to LT!
Few suggestions to consider:
V1L1 and 4 -- need verbs: I am or I'm; V2L1 -- are floating; evening will come soon.
about real -- almost real or quite real or just about real
Melody -- is sorrowful or full of sorrow
Lend your palm -- stretch your hand towards mine
You grow pale like shade. You're creation mine. -- like? Maybe, in the shade? And I think he addresses her so: My creation, ... look how the next sentence isn't capitalized. Anyhow, this is just my understanding.
And melody is sad and fade up tune -- And melody is sad and fadeS the tune

Vera AlxVera Alx    Недеља, 05/01/2020 - 00:58

Спасибо навсегда, Чёрное море..
Спасибо за поправки. Я учту.

I miss a, the, am, are and so on ...as they add more vowel in the line. English native speaking always correct these mistakes.

I roving in the past..
I did not use am to have 6 vowels in the line. Instead of 7 with am

Lend a hand. Протянуть руку помощи.
Palm sounds nice and soft. Hand ..is rude.

Some lines are not the same as original text because in Russian translation they sound like a report, like an instruction to a sewing machine.
So, I use free style in translating.

More thanks for pepositions.

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Недеља, 05/01/2020 - 01:13

It is always a struggle for the number of syllables so I understand.
However, incorrect grammar on purpose isn't considered a good technique.
I roving -- I'm roving -- same count, but one is just bad grammar
You lend your palm towards mine -- you don't lend a palm, only hand. Palms can touch, palms can be raised.
Haha. I'm not proficient in sewing machine instructions, but you may want to consider instructions that lead to better translations, no?

Vera AlxVera Alx    Недеља, 05/01/2020 - 06:28

Regular smile Спасибо Море!!! Спасибо Чёрное! Спасибо, спасибо,спасибо, спасибо! Regular smile
First, I want to show feelings ..
​​Second.... to find words for a good  rhyme.
I can not be good yet in number 3 and 4.
Ха, ха...
АЙ Эм рОУвИн 5 vowels
АЙ ......рОУвИн. 4. .
​​​​​Later on  о ладонях.. 
Пока, пока.

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Недеља, 05/01/2020 - 07:54

Oh, that is not how syllables are counted. You may need to use a tool to help you:
rov·ing /ˈrōviNG/

I am roving - 4
I'm roving - 3

Vera AlxVera Alx    Недеља, 05/01/2020 - 10:26

OK! I ll see.
I changed. ...
- I am roving
- I' ll take your hand in mine... ( took from Internet! I like it. )
I've read about stretch ..looks like stretch part of your body, to be I'll. )

Thank you so much!
BlackSea4ever !!!

-

George.GGeorge.G    Недеља, 05/01/2020 - 12:57

Vera, I don't think that  Present continuous in the first line is what you need. Я хожу is not the same as Я иду.
If I were you I would say like this,
I stroll the past, walk like a treasure hunter,
A tag, a letter stamp I find, a peace of cotton.

Vera AlxVera Alx    Недеља, 05/01/2020 - 16:52

__Thank you, George!
Imagine... The guy is ..strolling..walkng..looking g ...He is in proses.

Step, by step..in a proses. First step .. stamp, Second - sticker.....It's a progress. So, I choose ......progress Tense.

I choose P.Simple when he found stamp. That's a fact, not. Progress.

BlackSee4ever. I insert am (first line) and ...
Sorry, it's not comfotable to sing .....I'm roving.... now.

Am.. Like a stone on a narrow road. One may hurt his feet passing by.

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Недеља, 05/01/2020 - 17:21

Lol. I know the feeling. It's like a pebble in the shoe. I'm just advising you to strive for using proper grammar rather than just observe the number of syllables. Use your imagination, change line order, convey the message without sacrificing language. I'm making more and more mistakes every day because my brain is faltering, but I wouldn't make mistakes on purpose (ok, okay, I might drop or insert an article on purpose...sometimes.☺️)
I wish you the best,
Deanna

Vera AlxVera Alx    Недеља, 05/01/2020 - 17:33

Little by little I'll find proper words fit to gramme.
,_(Не сразу Москва строиась. Русская пословица.)
Thanks, friends for your good comments.
I used them and changed the text. It seems is better now.

Have interesting ideas in the time of translating!
.

George.GGeorge.G    Среда, 08/01/2020 - 12:20

In Russian "археолог" and "осколок" rhyme, in English "hunter" and "find" do not rhyme. And so long. It does not worry you?

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Среда, 08/01/2020 - 23:41

observing meter and rhyming are lovely, but translations don't have to have them unless tagged so. Most important is to correctly translate. Then, one can offer poetic, rhyming, metered versions.

George.GGeorge.G    Четвртак, 09/01/2020 - 06:08

As this version is neither rhyming nor metered I guess it is the one you call "poetic". Dreaming clouds make me think so🙂. That's OK, I like it.
Songs are harder to translate than verses.

Vera AlxVera Alx    Четвртак, 09/01/2020 - 09:33

George.G !!!! "poetic".   Heart Heart Heart .
..
BlackSea4ever I tried to use meter and rhyming and so on. To translate lyrics is not the same as translate a SONG and Songsinging ( Песнопение церковное).
..
Now I will use the simultaneous translation. Devil smile The Song ...to Sing Devil smile , not just read lyric without music. I changed the text. Waiting for your comments.
...
Thank you!
..
Please, try to sing my new text.... I did it! Text is singing......

Vera AlxVera Alx    Субота, 11/01/2020 - 12:56

Yandex back to Russian translation...

Прогулка по прошлому,
Бродит, как охотник за сокровищами.

Наклейка, штамп, который я нахожу, кусок стекла…
Ты.....нетронутая... живая, вполне реальная.

Все наполнено мелодией ... это ... довольно грустно.

И плывут (свои) облака...и скоро вечер.
И протягивает свою ладонь к моей ... за прикосновения.

И тают в темноте мосты и башни.
И ты бледнеешь, Мое создание.

С кем я жил, и с кем я живу в прошлом до сих пор.
И еще более печальная мелодия, и еще более печальная.

-------------
Нашла в синонимах sorrowful , long-ago-era. I changed the text.

George.GGeorge.G    Субота, 11/01/2020 - 12:41

Vera, it should be you who are the strictest judge for youself   Regular smile

Walk through the past,
Rove like a treasure hunter.
A sticker, stamp I find, a piece of glass.
And you, who're intact, alive, pretty real.
Sad music whithin me I now hear.

 

Vera AlxVera Alx    Субота, 11/01/2020 - 12:23

Thank you. Gorge!.
.Intack - неповрежденный, нетронутый, целый intactile — неосязаемый, неощутимый .
...
Intack or untouched…. .
..
And stretches your palm to mine…. for touching.
You're .....untouched… alive, quite real.
...
. Touch – касаться, прикоснуться. Звучит мягко…..
....
В песнях о чувствах я люблю слова с мягкими согласными. T CH – soft sounds.
.....
. intack https://context.reverso.net/%D0%BF%D0%B5%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%B2%D0%BE%D0%B4/%...
....
Untouched/ Examples https://context.reverso.net/%D0%BF%D0%B5%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%B2%D0%BE%D0%B4/%...
.....
what is the difference…. https://hinative.com/ru/questions/2331771
.....
The last line? I agree? toooo long and coward.
But I choose Горестней, а не SAD./ потому что музыка звучит также долго как эти слова

George.GGeorge.G    Субота, 11/01/2020 - 16:27

You're .....untouched… alive, quite real.
 All full of melody… that… quite sad.

 Весь полон....... is about a "treasure hunter" and not about "You". He is full of melody.

Vera AlxVera Alx    Субота, 11/01/2020 - 18:16

You are right!
But. I read this way.
...
1. И проплывают облака, и скоро вечер,
2. Весь полон музыкою той вполне печальной.
...
3. Тебя нетронутой, живой, вполне реальной,
...
1.. 2 make us ready to feel sorrow.
So. not exactly He feels. But feelings are all around.
....
=======
changed back ........float clouds.
I dont like clouds swim......It's.like a sport swiming/. .