Медлительной чредой нисходит день осенний... (Medlitelʹnoy chredoy niskhodit denʹ osenniy...) (İngilizce çevirisi)

Медлительной чредой нисходит день осенний...

Медлительной чредой нисходит день осенний,
Медлительно крути́тся желтый лист,
И день прозрачно свеж, и воздух дивно чист -
Душа не избежит невидимого тленья.
 
Так, каждый день стареется она,
И каждый год, как желтый лист кружится,
Всё кажется, и помнится, и мнится,
Что осень прошлых лет была не так грустна.
 
St. SolSt. Sol tarafından Salı, 05/09/2017 - 19:53 tarihinde eklendi
ltlt tarafından en son Perş, 21/05/2020 - 12:09 tarihinde düzenlendi
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5 января 1900.

İngilizce çevirisiİngilizce (metered, rhyming)
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So slowly wanes away another autumn day

So slowly wanes away another autumn day,
So slowly whirls t’ward the ground a lonely yellow leaf,
The day is clear and fresh, the air is cool and crisp -
The soul would not escape the still unseen decay.
 
Thus, every single day she grows older yet.
And every year she twirls just like a yellow leaf,
But still, naively so, she harbors this belief
That autumn of last years was not as gloomy sad.
 
Teşekkürler!
3 teşekkür aldı

© Irula 🌿

IrulaIrula tarafından Pzt, 30/11/2020 - 03:02 tarihinde eklendi
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SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Pzt, 30/11/2020 - 05:57

I like it, minor suggestions as usual:
to get rid of the third "So" = with every day she grows older
imho "autumn's day" is not necessary, autumn day will do.
I would also add a couple of articles before Ground and Decay.

IrulaIrula    Pzt, 30/11/2020 - 06:27

I agree with “autumn day”, but the additional articles would change the meter. And I still need a one-syllable word for the second stanza. I can use “thus”. Thank you!

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Pzt, 30/11/2020 - 06:26

I was only against your 3rd "so" and you've changed it. In the first two lines I think you did well by repeating first two words.

IrulaIrula    Pzt, 30/11/2020 - 06:28

I changed my reply but you were faster lol :-)
Yes, I agree, “thus” sounds better!

BratBrat    Pzt, 30/11/2020 - 07:53

Hey there, the invisible decay ruins the rhythm. What about 'the still [yet] unseen decay' instead?
And it would be better to replace 'so drearily sad' with 'that drearily sad' for it is closer to what was meant in Russian.

BlackSea4everBlackSea4ever    Pzt, 30/11/2020 - 09:18

I think 'so drearily sad“ is more accurate, B.

I really like how you translated this poem, Irul!

BratBrat    Pzt, 30/11/2020 - 13:11

Well, you see, 'so drearily sad' means 'так уныло грустна', while 'that drearily sad' means 'такая уныло грустная'. That differs not much, but it does.

IrulaIrula    Pzt, 30/11/2020 - 14:05

“The” ruins the rhythm. I had to add it after 42 pointed out that it was, indeed, needed here. “The still unseen” - I like it. I will think about it.
I also agree with subtle differences between “so” and “that”. I will think about it also. Thank you!

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