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Тень над тропой

Так сказал Дух Великих Равнин:
Пусть народ мой пребудет един!
И связал он любовным огнëм
Две души из враждебных племëн.
Помнишь тот сон наяву?
Мы упали нагие в траву.
И сплетались, как травы, тела,
И луна над равниной плыла.
Зря мы дразнили судьбу.
Тень легла на бизонью тропу.
Посмеялись над нами вожди
И раздули кострища вражды.
Перья из милых волос
Ветер вырвал и в пламя унëс...
И теперь, Дух Великих Равнин,
Я стою пред тобою один.

The Shadow Over the Track

Thus spoke the Spirit of the Great Plains:
Let my people be united!
And he joined by the fire of love
Two souls from hostile tribes.
Remember that dream awake?
We fell naked on the grass.
And like grass our bodies intertwined
And the moon floated above the plain.
Taunting destiny was a bad idea.
A shadow fell on the bison track.
The chiefs laughed at us
And fanned the fires of hostility.
The wind tore feathers out of lovely hair
And carried them into the flame.
And now, Spirit of the Great Plains,
I stand before you alone.
Dr_IgorDr_Igor    Salı, 02/04/2024 - 17:52

Hi, Kevin
a couple of points.
The verb "пребудет" is an old/literary way of saying "(it) will be" - будет. You won't hear it on the street - only as a joke.
In any case, it talks about the future but it does not imply anything about the present, so I questioned your "remain" the moment I saw it, and
in the next couple of lines, my doubts were confirmed - he wants them to (first) become united, they are not united now

I also had doubts about "laughed over us" - never heard this preposition in this context and it looks like it is not common - https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/248660/to-laugh-over-vs-about
In Russian the preposition "над" in the construction "смеяться над (кем-то)" is as common as "at" in "to laugh at(somebody)" in English and the meanings are identical. I wonder if you were influenced by the other common (but unrelated) usage of the preposition "над" - над землей, над головой...

Kevin RainbowKevin Rainbow
   Salı, 02/04/2024 - 20:25

it talks about the future but it does not imply anything about the present

I agree. I don't think either meaning is necessarily ruled out though. "Let my people (be and) remain united (after this event). "

I see what you mean about "laugh over". But to me "over" in these expressions sort of creates an image of someone standing "over" you and looking down and laughing (at your expense). The enemies don't seem to be just laughing at them, but looming over them (in one way or another) and laughing, so "over" and a meaning more along the Russian one seem more appropriate than "at" here.

Dr_IgorDr_Igor    Salı, 02/04/2024 - 22:13

Well, if you wanted to add the connotation of "looming over" to "laughing at" then I guess I understand. My point mostly was in the Russian
"посмеялись над нами" "над" does not add any connotation and is as vanilla as it gets. I just noticed one more thing. Did you read "вожди" as "враги"?

Dr_IgorDr_Igor    Salı, 02/04/2024 - 22:22

And one more thing.
"зря" in "зря мы дразнили судьбу" is different from "in vain". It means "taunting destiny was wrong/harmful/bad idea"

Kevin RainbowKevin Rainbow
   Çarş, 03/04/2024 - 00:01

OK. Thanks for pointing those things out, Igor. I've made some amendments.

GrandipachusGrandipachus    Çarş, 03/04/2024 - 00:22

Мне еще кажется, что "Feathers of lovely hair" звучит странно. Может быть что-то вроде "Feathers out of lovely hair"? Ведь имеются в виду перья, вплетенные в волосы.

Dr_IgorDr_Igor    Çarş, 03/04/2024 - 00:44

как раз out of будет означать, что они сделаны из волос. Предлог of сам по себе имеет широчайший диапазон значений/применений
в том числе - принадлежности, т.е. перья из прически - hair часто означает именно прическу...

Kevin RainbowKevin Rainbow
   Çarş, 03/04/2024 - 15:33

Yes, "of" has a lot of meanings, - but in the context of the verbs "tore" and "carried" the options are narrowed: we say "tore...out of", "carried ... out of" but not really "tore ...of", "carried ...of" My mistake.

Dr_IgorDr_Igor    Çarş, 03/04/2024 - 16:31

My bad. I haven't read the previous line now, so totally missed the context of tearing and carrying.
But how about moving "out" closer to "tore" to avoid misperceptions like I had? Like this

The wind tore out and carried into the flame
Feathers of lovely hair.

I guess what I'm also not comfortable with is that one "out" belonging to both tearing and carrying, while it really should belong only to tearing... I guess I'm really getting into the weeds...

Kevin RainbowKevin Rainbow
   Çarş, 03/04/2024 - 17:17

I guess I was thinking of "out" as applying to both verbs: the wind tore and carried feathers out of the hair and into the flame.


The wind tore feathers out of lovely hair
And carried them into the flame.

"Feathers of lovely hair" doesn't seem correct in consideration of из being verb oriented here (вырвал из) .

Dr_IgorDr_Igor    Çarş, 03/04/2024 - 17:57

Yes, sure. It is clearer this way.

As for "Feathers of lovely hair" I meant "of" here as totally separate from "out" that takes care of "из" and only indicating that the feathers were part of her hair(do). Moot point now as the latest version seems perfect.

Kevin RainbowKevin Rainbow
   Çarş, 03/04/2024 - 15:33

Thanks Pinchus.
I agree. "Out of" seems much better, considering the context of the verbs "tore" and "carried".