A Poison Tree (Fransızca çevirisi)


A Poison Tree

I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
And I watered it in fears
Night and morning with my tears,
And I sunned it with smiles
And with soft deceitful wiles.
And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright,
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine –
And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole;
In the morning, glad, I see
My foe outstretched beneath the tree.
tsitpirctsitpirc tarafından Cmt, 10/01/2015 - 07:04 tarihinde eklendi
Fransızca çevirisiFransızca (şiirsel)
Paragrafları hizala

L'Arbre au poison

Moi, fâché contre un ami,
Le lui disant, je m'apaisai.
Monté contre un ennemi,
Le taisant, moi, je m'emportai
Jusqu’à le tremper d’horreur
Par mes larmes à toute heure,
Sourire pour un peu de lueur,
Manigancer en douceur.
Le germe poussait si bien
Qu’il donna une pomme enfin
Brillante et exquise aux yeux
De mon rival trop envieux.
Malgré mes avertissements,
On m’en priva discrètement
À la faveur de la nuit.
Le mort sous l’arbre me ravit.
11 teşekkür aldı
Bu bir şiirsel çeviridir - Sözlerin anlamında sapmalar olabilir (eklenmiş kelimeler, eklenmiş veya çıkarılmış bilgiler, birbiri yerine kullanılmış kavramlar gibi).
benevolistebenevoliste tarafından Perş, 01/11/2018 - 11:27 tarihinde eklendi
benevolistebenevoliste tarafından en son Perş, 03/12/2020 - 08:48 tarihinde düzenlendi
silencedsilenced    Pzr, 29/11/2020 - 19:55

That's remarkably good French for a non-native, in my opinion.

je m'apaisais / emportais -> sounds good, but you'd need the simple past there (losing the ending "s")

However, I think the metaphor of a growing plant is lost there: "my wrath did grow. And I watered it in fears night and morning with my tears, and I sunned it with smiles, and with soft deceitful wiles."
You catch up in the next stanza, but the bit in between is hard to get.
I like the inventive way you rendered the first stanza very much, but that makes connecting the wrath with the next stanza difficult.
Just to suggest a way out:

Moi, fâché contre un ami
Le lui disant, je m'assagis
Monté contre un ennemi
Le taisant, moi, je fus pris
D'une rage que...
(now you can nurture the wrath Regular smile )

On m’en priva discrètement -> "on" might be ironic (some unknown person, knowing very well it was him) but "il" would work too and might be easier to get
L’auteur -> I suppose the idea is "l'auteur du vol/méfait", but that's a bit hard to get too. Also "tué" is not quite right, it would be like "slain", something odd to say for someone being poisoned.
The English talks about a foe, you could just use something similar like "l'ennemi mort", or maybe "le coupable mort", to keep this idea of "auteur". I suppose you could also use "vaincu" in this context, though the idea is different.

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