I have just one minor comment, if I may.

I admit, I had to look it up first, but the word "בחובי" (first verse, 5th line) is a very flowery way of saying "within" / "inside" / "the interior (of someone or something)".

It can be found in the Book of Job, chapter 31:33: "אִם-כִּסִּיתִי כְאָדָם פְּשָׁעָי--לִטְמוֹן בְּחֻבִּי עֲוֺנִי"
Examples of English translations:

• "If after the manner of men I covered my transgressions, by hiding mine iniquity in my bosom--"
• "If I have concealed my sin as men do, by hiding my guilt in my heart..."

So basically he's saying she's in his heart.

Hey, the translation is mostly good, but:
1. You missed the capitalization—I don’t think it makes much of a difference in the beginning of lines, but ‘I’ is left uncapitalized a few times.
2. You mistranslated שִמעו ‘hear! masc. pl.’ as שָמעו ‘[they] heard’.
3. In prescriptivist English, we don’t use ‘will’ in the condition, only the result—thus, ‘if you hear’, or ‘should you hear’, not ‘if you will hear’.
4. You missed the word גדול in כסיל גדול—‘he is a great fool’, hah.
5. In general, the lyrics are fairly literary in their vibe, so the language could be made a bit fancier, e.g., ‘he knew not’ rather than ‘he didn’t know’.
Also, the song’s name is פתאום עכשיו, פתאום היום, not אהבתיה, although it is commonly known as such.