The word "whores" does not exist in this song. It is not in the lyric "Wait for the rain to fall on you, whores." It is "Wait for the rain to fall on you, as a debt/repayment"

Your translation is misaligned with the original: this is somewhat understandable, as the original lacked the introduction, but in this case you should have asked the uploader of the original lyrics to fix this.

There are phrases you translated literally in a clunky way, e.g., ‘tfay’ with no footnote explaining it’s onomatopoeia for spitting, ‘every dog’s day will come’ instead of ‘each dog has its day’, making it very confusing for readers who can’t understand the original.

You also missed some bits: רוֹשְׁמִים שֵׂמוֹת עַל הַפְּגָזִים \ לְיֶלֶד בְּעוֹטֵף עַזָּה should have been, ‘Writing names on the munition shells / For the kid in the Gaza Envelope’, but you wrote, ‘Writing names of Israeli children on the bombs / And send it [sīc—those are munition shells, there are more than one so it should be ‘they’, and ‘send’ should be ‘sending’] to Gaza’. The point kinda-sorta gets across but it’s still jumbled. (And yes, I did see the previous version, in which you basically said that the bombs were aimed at Gazan children. That’s practically a blood libel and it’s a good thing you’ve fixed it since.)

Worst of all you simply mistranslated things pretty wrong in a way that just makes no sense, like חַבָּלָה as ‘sabotage’ instead of bomb squad. This is like translating בְּאֵר־שֶׁבַע as ‘Well no. 7’ instead of ‘Be’er-Sheva’ or ‘Well of the Oath’.

In conclusion: the point mostly gets across, but this is still really sloppy work.