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Трава у дома

Земля в иллюминаторе, Земля в иллюминаторе
Земля в иллюминаторе видна
Как сын грустит о матери, как сын грустит о матери
Грустим мы о Земле, она одна
А звёзды, тем не менее, а звёзды, тем не менее
Чуть ближе, но всё так же холодны
И как в часы затмения, и как в часы затмения
Ждём света и земные видим сны
 
И снится нам не рокот космодрома
Не эта ледяная синева
А снится нам трава, трава у дома
Зелёная, зелёная трава
 
А мы летим орбитами, путями не избитыми
Прошит метеоритами простор
Оправдан риск и мужество, космическая музыка
Вплывает в деловой наш разговор
В какой-то дымке матовой Земля в иллюминаторе
Вечерняя и ранняя заря
А сын грустит о матери, а сын грустит о матери
Ждёт сына мать, а сыновей - Земля
 
И снится нам не рокот космодрома
Не эта ледяная синева
А снится нам трава, трава у дома
Зелёная, зелёная трава
 
И снится нам не рокот космодрома
Не эта ледяная синева
А снится нам трава, трава у дома
Зелёная, зелёная трава
И снится нам не рокот космодрома
Не эта ледяная синева
А снится нам трава, трава у дома
Зелёная, зелёная трава
 
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Angol
Fordítás12345#6789

Homely Place

Through the porthole Earth’s visible
Through the porthole Earth’s visible
To us it’s like a mother to a son,
Our souls are not invincible
Our souls are not invincible
We miss the Earth, it is the only one!
 
The stars are enigmatic still
The stars are enigmatic still
They’re closer, but as cold as they have been.
And through the orbit nights we will,
And through the orbit nights we will,
Will have the same, amazing earthly dream.
 
This dream is not about the rumbling spaceships,
It’s not about the boundless deep blue space.
We dream about green meadows, fields and land strips
With green, green grass, a grassy homely place.
 
We’re firmly in the orbit now
We will fly forward, we will plough
Right through the space, just like a shooting star.
We don’t regret and we don’t bow,
The cosmic symphony somehow
Will play its tunes to earthlings from afar.
 
The orbit starts its morning phase,
Earth’s covered with a morning haze,
And grass is covered with bright pearls of dew.
We trust our mother Earth awaits,
We trust our mother Earth awaits,
Awaits her sons just like all mothers do.
 
Our dreams are not about the rumbling spaceships,
They’re not about the boundless deep blue space.
We dream about green meadows, fields and land strips
With green, green grass, a grassy homely place.
 
✕
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Angol
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mekhtiemmekhtiem
   Hétfő, 25/11/2019 - 01:02

Hi Schnurrbrat ,
Thanks for your comments, I will think about improving it. I called it equirhythmic becase of the same meter (the number of syllables is identical with the original), however the stresses are not always matching the original, I agree. Perhaps, I have not undestood the meaning of "equirhythmic', which I gather, needs to have the same stresses as well! Sure, I wil call it rhymic. Nevertheless, the translation is singable, though the same meter appears to be a bit too long (perhaps due to the wrong stresses).
1) mother .., who misses her adoring soul. "Who" applies to "son", not to "mother", I probably need to change the idiom and replace "a son" with "the son". Would it make a difference?
4) We’ll make space furrows, we will plough. Space furrows sounds funky. This is a translation from Russian and in Russian "brazdy, borozdit' prostranstva" sounds very poetic. I just tried to introduce a bit of Russian flavour.
And, yes, I will put the Poetic lable as well, as the original does not seem to me very poetic!

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Hétfő, 25/11/2019 - 01:04

Take your time. I meant that you could have more than one tag (if you want). To me it is (E?, P, R)
imho, "poetic" on this website indicates deviations from the original, so it is not a positive thing. Strictly speaking, any metered and rhymed translation will likely have deviations.
Re: "space furrows" - it's my personal opinion, but it looks too literal to my ears. Something like "we plough through space" is more understandable.
I looked up your stihi page and I hope you will publish The Girl from Nagasaki, it looks pretty good to me and LT Vysostsky's page will benefit from your translation for sure.

mekhtiemmekhtiem
   Szerda, 27/11/2019 - 02:39

Hi Schnurrbrat,

I have tryied to make the new version more equirhythmic. But I think I managed to make E only the first stanza, where the stresses are identical with the original.The second one is almost E (I think it's called spondee foot in "nights we will"). The meter is equimetered with the original. (what is "metered" means here anyway: the same meter with the original or a consistent meter throughout the translation?) Strangely enough, a simple Russian text turned to be quite difficult for translating into English! Would be greatful if you could have another look! Thanks.

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Szerda, 27/11/2019 - 02:53

Sure, I'll read in few minutes But please make your own judgement, it just my personal opinion on your translation.

Most folks do not use tags, but they help to find metered-rhymed translations among the regular kind.
Tomorrow I'll try to find some pages where we had discussions on tags and where the author of tag system explained it.
But you could follow faq 3.14 (if i'm not mistaken)
"metered" - is the most forgiven under current definition. The meter should not necessarily be equal to the one in source. [I use it when I've tried to do E, but failed, but my meter is similar to the source]. R - rhymes present, not necessarily everywhere or in the same order.
Poetic - deviations of the original meaning are present. E - basically the same stress pattern and # of syllables. C - when you explain in the comments something, but it is outdated since we have footnotes now.
Singable - there are several opinions on this, but it should be below E+R combo.

mekhtiemmekhtiem
   Hétfő, 25/11/2019 - 01:07

Thanks,
I have already published them on Lyricstranslate

mekhtiemmekhtiem
   Hétfő, 25/11/2019 - 01:17

Maybe, I have only one translation of Vysotsky and there are so many translations of that particular piece!

SchnurrbratSchnurrbrat    Szerda, 27/11/2019 - 03:42

I think you improved it, although I (again, it's only my personal opinion) would not be happy with the 2nd verse. This "we will Be having" is something I would not use, but I saw other translators breaking their lines in a similar way. Hopefully, you will get 2nd opinion sooner or later ;)
PS. and a small suggestion: To us it’s like a mother to a son, > maybe "to her sons"?

Mohamed ZakiMohamed Zaki
   Péntek, 11/04/2025 - 14:19

Lyrics have been updated. Please review your translation

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