Meetings and goodbyes
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| thanked 2 times | ||
annabellanna on 2015-08-07annabellanna on 2022-01-25| 1. | Gracias a la vida |
| 2. | Todo cambia |
| 3. | Alfonsina y el mar |
annabellanna
Mon, 10/08/2015 - 21:24
Thank you for your suggestions. I' m going to work on it, later I will change something...
annabellanna
Tue, 11/08/2015 - 08:55
Dear Andrzej, I read carefully your notes.Before to make changes, I want to explain you the why of some "strange" choices I did. Then I'm going to correct the mistakes of my text.
1)"(…)As Imperativo “do” is wrong (…)
I added “Please” at the beginning(…)"
I used “do” to emphatize and give a better rythm to the phrase, as you did with “please”
2)“To the ones keeping here” has no meaning in English."
Has no meaning(?)Ok, I’m going to change it.
3)I don’t like “now” at the end - though I think it’s a question of style…)
I put it there to respect the rythm.
4) Predicate is missing and the whole line sounds weird - it should be: “Now it’s better to be able to come back(…)
I used”better” as an adversative adverb, the verb (it is or it would be) is understood. I want to hear if it fit well with the rythm before deciding what to do.
5)" Sounds not good - I think “there are some people who come to stay” would be much better."
I did it for the rythm.
6)" Not “some else”. (…) you cannot say “for nevermore”(…)"
It’s true.I’m going to change, (maybe”someone else”); for which concern “nevermore”, it’s literal: ”…se van para nunca màs(volver)”. I translate”…leaving to nevermore (come back)
7)"Stanza 4 has to be translated once again right from scratch. Try to find another solution on your own and I will comment it."
The most important for me is that it doesn’t scratch with the rythm of the song, that here is very pressing.Please, tell me only if it is sintactically wrong.
8)"Stanza 5 last verse: “…train that is leaving”.
I disagree: the train is not leaving, it left before!(It’s the same that’s coming...) I wrote”leaving” in the sense of “departure”
9)"Stanza 6: You cannot say: “hour of meeting is… a farewell”. You can say “is (also) an hour of a farewell”.
I know. Neither in Spanish you can do it. But it’s written in this way and I translate it literally. It’s like a class of a synestesia…Let’s make place to poetical licences without correct them!
Aldefina
Thu, 13/08/2015 - 14:08
Anna, let me explain once again. I commented these parts that I wouldn’t have translated the way you did it. I’m not an expert in English, so please treat my comments and suggestions only as my subjective point of view. When I translate I use only expressions that I believe would be those used by a native speaker. Some parts you have translated the way that I have never heard in my life, so I’m not sure whether they are correct. If you’re sure you don’t have to change them.
Remember that what we do is very tricky. We try to be “poets” in the language that is not our native. I can be 100% sure how a translation sounds in Polish, but in English I can only base on that what I have learned and I avoid experiments with using new words and expressions that I find in some dictionaries.
In ideal case it would be good to keep the rhythm and rhymes (if there are any) to make the translated song singable. The problem is that you need some poetical talents (that I don’t have) and that approach means too many compromises, so the result usually hardly can be called a translation. As I learn Spanish I concentrate on the meaning. The most important thing for me is to understand correctly and Spanish is much more complicated than any other of the languages that I’ve learned so far. When I started learning I had no idea that things that were so easy in other languages can be so tricky and difficult.
One advice: When I’m not sure I google the phrase and check whether (and how often) it is used by native speakers and also if it is used having the same meaning. E.g.: https://www.google.pl/search?q=%22people+remain%22&oq=%22people+remain%2...
This example shows that “remain” doesn’t seem to be the best word in case of “Hay gente que viene para quedar”.
Finally, it’s your translation and it’s up to you do decide how it should look like. I don’t want to destroy your rendition.
After you made some corrections it’s better now. Just some comments about stanza 4:
You can say “somebody is eager to come back”, but not “…is coming eager to come…”. Because of the next verse (and also original Spanish lyrics) “…is coming…” should remain, so you need to change the following part of this verse. In my opinion “eager” doesn’t fit here, I would say “somebody is coming wanting to return” or “somebody is coming, ‘cause he wants to return”.
The same in the next verse: “somebody is going away wanting to fight” or “somebody is going away, ‘cause he wants to fight”.
In the last verse you have twice “otros”, so I would advice you to say: “somebody” twice. You can use “someone” in the first verse.
As for "leaving to nevermore" - look:
https://www.google.pl/search?q=%22leaving+to+nevermore%22&oq=%22leaving+...
You are the only one who used this expression, so think it over.
And something else - the grammar: I would advise you to change Present Continuous to Present Simple in stanza 3 and 4. It’s because it happens “every day”.
annabellanna
Thu, 13/08/2015 - 14:33
Well, when I have more time I will revise this translation ...
About"leaving for nevermore":did you try to search how many times you find the expression"se van para nunca màs" on Google?
Anyway, thanks! :)
Aldefina
Thu, 13/08/2015 - 15:00
Only now. I agree that the word "volver" should have been added at the end of this verse, as in most examples that I found, but at least here it was easy to understand what was meant. I'm only afraid the the same does not apply to English, but here only a native speaker can tell.
ϕιλομαθής annabellanna
Tue, 24/11/2015 - 16:31
Thanks, my dear!
Anna, some thoughts:
My problem is Spanish and I’m not always sure whether I was able to understand correctly the lyrics. You don’t have this problem, but it looks like your problem is how to express yourself in English.
I generally try to express the meaning and not the words - that’s my style. Usually I don’t interpret the expressions that after literal translation sound fine for me, though - no rule without exception, even in this translation.
These are my suggestions, but remember that I’m not an expert - neither in English, nor (especially) in Spanish:
Stanza 1:
“Manden” could be Subjuntivo or Imperativo. If you think it’s Subjuntivo (I don’t), then it would be “Would you sent…?”. As Imperativo “do” is wrong - just “Send…”.
I added “Please” at the beginning, because, as I intentionally didn’t translate “mundo”, I wanted to make this verse longer.
“To the ones keeping here” has no meaning in English.
Stanza 2:
V. 2: I don’t like “now” at the end - though I think it’s a question of style. “Ya” can also mean “at once” and I think it makes more sense. You can also say “already without fear” - it’s literal, for sure correct and for me it sounds better.
V.3: Predicate is missing and the whole line sounds weird - it should be: “Now it’s better to be able to come back”. I dropped “now” because it’s not needed and sounds strange.
Stanza 3:
V.1: “Like a coming and going” is fine. I interpreted it, so it’s different. Both translations are possible in my opinion.
V.3: Sounds not good - I think “there are some people who come to stay” would be much better.
V.4: Not “some else”. You can say “others”. Also you cannot say “for nevermore”. You can say, e.g., “others who go away forever”.
Stanza 4 has to be translated once again right from scratch. Try to find another solution on your own and I will comment it.
Stanza 5 last verse: “…train that is leaving”.
Stanza 6: You cannot say: “hour of meeting is… a farewell”. You can say “is (also) an hour of a farewell”.