Thanks for the comment, inedito.

On word order, I used to be told not to invert verb and subject in spanish because I did it too often, so now I tend not to do it when would be right to do it (as here) so I will repair that.

The perfect instead of imperfect was just me being thick - forgetting that -ea is just -eva with the v lenited down to nonexistence (it was originally a b before being lenited down to v anyway). So I will fix that too. Clearly I've let my Italian get too rusty, and forgotten things I used to know.

Some of your word choices I agree with, they are obviously right (tembloroso, lánguidas). Some seem very wrong to me - huerto usually means frutteto rather than orto, lucir means apparire or sembrare, not lucire. Others seem not to matter (like esfumarse versus desaparecer) or to be a bit dubius although not obviously wrong (instante instead of hora, volar instead of irse - but that made me think harder about fugire and huir seems to fit better than either my original choice or your suggestion).

So as a reult of your suggestions my translation has changed quite a lot, but has not ended up adopting all your suggestions.