seriöserspinner
Среда, 11/01/2023 - 21:48
I like your poetic translation a lot. It's just that: poetic.
A few minor things:
Whenever you wrote "the time", it should be simply "time". Same with eternity. It's just eternity, without the.
I think it should be "Trapped in the passing of time" and "Soon, this moment will be history" (the latter's clearly just a typo).
There are a few liberties you took that deviate too far from the original for my taste. Perhaps most significantly, you added a religious component that isn't as present in the original by talking about God and the Reaper. ("From dust to dust", while being a Bible quote, I take no issue with, since the idea is by no means exclusive to religion and fits well into the text.)
I would translate the line as, "We keep on dying until we live". To me, that's one of the most powerful ideas in the whole song, and I wouldn't change that personally, or at least add an annotation to explain what it actually says.
I'd suggest, "Everybody knows when it's time to go" and, "When our time has come // It's time to go".
You could also translate the idiom "Aufhören, wenn's am schönsten ist" to "Always leave them wanting more" or "End on a high note", but I think maybe your translation is more poetic than that.
These last points are purely a matter of taste.
Great work, and thanks for introducing me to this song!
Aldefina
Lithium
Flopsi 